Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
On a plane in a sea blue May sky,
With Persephone breathing soft breezes so high,
Ten hopefuls on the plane with jitters and worry,
Nine of them at the end would be so sorry.
A scholarship that would turn rags to riches,
and the other would probably hurt them and tear their britches.
From all around the states to New York,
eating on the plane, Salisbury Steaks with knives and a fork.
Watching their competition with such envy and disgust,
(10)The pilot was relieved that the plane didn’t bust.
Now it is time to tell you all of teenagers big and small,
With some of talents, dreams, evils, and how they fall.
Now I shall start with the blonde drama star,
Living in slum in San Francisco California so far.
Live in the slums with diseases untold,
and was talented in weapons and was very bold.
Wearing bright sequined clothes that hid her flaws,
of bruises, and scabs that she use ice that had begun to thaw.
Dreams of Juliard, and Broadway,
(20)It was usually her way or the highway.
Some say that she was raped by exes,
then kicked them all the way to Texas.
On the plane, she was sitting on in C5,
flirting with the pilot, and looking alive.
Now in back of the plane in seat J2,
Number 1 high school football player wasn’t interested in anyone except his hairdo.
I-phone in his hand, and ear buds in ears,
Music pumping loud for all to hear.
He was from Omaha, a farmer’s boy,
(30)Dreams of playing in NFL, but was forced to go to Troy.
Didn’t care of going to school,
Playing football was the way of being cool.
Teachers despised him, and he was feared by most.
He was definitely vulgar when he boast.
Dark as shadow on new moon night,
Silent as the mouse and gave everyone a fright.
Everyone just call him the Goth.
Judging by his IQ of 159, he was not that sloth.
Haunted by bullies who picked on him day by day,
(40)All because he loved guys and was very gay.
The bullies spread rumors and many tales,
that he acted like a woman, and sang like a nightingale.
He wore all black from head to toe,
Trying to hide from many a foe.
In seat 4C, he sat with many thoughts,
Of his schizophrenic mother, who he fought.
Wanting to be a doctor in order to heal,
Many of the wounds, that he made him like steel.
Next we have the Airhead in D1
(50)Some say that she was a lot of fun.
Want to design many things,
From houses, rooms, clothes, and diamond rings.
But has a dark secret so black and cruel,
Of revenge of her exes with many a power tool.
Dress in all pink from her shirt to her shirt,
Hiding the feeling of pain and hurt.
Dreaming of winning the money was all she could take,
If she didn’t win, her parents would surely burn her at the stake.
Ten had board the plane,
(60)But one was half sane.
The Outcast was in the bathroom,
hiding from the competition that she assume were a bunches of buffoon.
Her secret was that her twin brother sister,
were really her children from an affair with an old mister.
Her skin was burned, from a fire they assume,
that her lover, the scorching fires consume.
Her black XXXL jacket hung from her body
That didn’t show the bruises from the boys that were naughty.
The money if she won, would pave the way,
(70)for her to have a new bright day.
All around the row A,
Diagrams of algorithms, trigonometry, and math ways.
The Nerd was studying many a confusing thing.
Having a 4.0 that could make a money jars go cling.
But his secret as that he sold himself,
For many hungry people, who wanted fill themselves
He wanted love, so he got from others,
but he want his parents to know or bother.
Judging from slim figure, and nerdy glasses,
(80)He must be catching all those lady basses.
Dark ring around his eyes,
From those long night making his clients sigh.
Woe to the person who is down right dumb
By thinking he can get away with the sticky stuff on his thumb.
Right across from the nerd,
was definitely the one who was the most absurd.
The Republican Intern from Dallas, Texas,
was definitely energetic and just a mess.
A head of red, and eyes of blue,
(90)could make a masterpiece with paper, and glue.
But deep inside of double D breast,
a secret that would astonished the rest.
She was involved with a sexual affair,
with three men and two women on just a dare.
Secrets was what she was the best,
And she definitely could drink like men at Oktoberfest.
Why I wonder why she left the campaign,
or maybe the campaign manager thought in bed, that she was insane.
Purest of all, strictest of strict, the Church Boy was such a snitch
(100)His face was holy, shining as bright as a star, with no stitch.
He was virgin, the vow he took,
Even the movie that had sex, he forsook.
Draped in a suit of white,
and a gold watch, that shine oh so bright.
In his lap was his biblical sword,
that helped him slay the demonic horde.
He sang like a canary, the hymns of fame,
Every five seconds, the others would tremble, and glare with shame.
That was the judge of fall,
(110)While the others were waiting for him to fall.
Second to last, was a rebel to fear,
The Hippy from Manitou Spring, Colorado was here.
Smoking his weed in the airplane bathroom,
He was mumbling something about some flying broom.
The only thing the Hippy liked was smoking weed
Ashes would pepper his tye-dye shirt made of tweed.
He hated his descendants, of crazy hippies
That went topsy turvy, and got a little tippy.
The Hippy was quiet as mouse,
(120)He could probably get away with burning a house.
Last of all is the Teacher’s Pet,
Wrapping the teachers around her finger gave her a sweat.
Oh the glorious secret that I have devour!
This secret is juicy and rich as a Mustang 2004.
Her belly is from the fat that she says,
It is actually from the sperm that she made with a guy and a bunch of kegs.
Her rich parents discovered that well kept secret,
and now she has to work at a school so private.
The wedding ring is from her boyfriend,
(130)Why in the world would you marry that fiend?
She talks with a nasally drawl
She is so clumsy when she fall.
All the ten on a plane headed for New York City,
The girls are glare and get a little shitty.
I the pilot am interested in story
but have to drink coffee to stay awake until Morning.
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Hey there!
Since Pheonix there has done most of the work with the grammatical errors, I'll just add in my input.
Sometimes your rhyming seems to be a little forced, perhaps it stems from inexperience. But I know that when I used to force rhymes it would be when I wanted to add a particular sentence at one particular time. What I didn't think of was whether or not I needed to add the sentence there at that particular time.
For Example: "and the other would probably hurt them and tear their britches."
This one in the beginning seemed a little forced.
I find sentences like these quite often, try go through it again and you'll see. It doesn't quite roll off the tounge.
Other than that it seems ship shape, it's a very relatable for a lot of people. People going for scholarships can and are very intimidating considering they are applying to be the best. So Kudos on aking it clear how everyone is uniquely intimidating.
Keep practising and good luck!
Hey there! XxPheonixKittenxX here for a review! (yes I know I spelled "Phoenix wrong. It's on purpose) There were a few things I noticed. There was only like One misspelled word, but I'll get to that in a moment. I wanna point a few other things. Just to make this a little interesting.
"A scholarship that would turn rags to riches"
It just sounds a little cliches. Maybe try something like,
"A scholarship that would enrich a persons life"
or something you can come up with.
"(10)The pilot was relieved that the plane didn’t bust."
By any chance could you make this have a more active voice? It has a more passive voice to it.
"With some of talents, dreams, evils, and how they fall."
All you really need to do here is add 'the' after "some of".
"and was talented in weapons and was very bold."
Again, this has a passive voice. Please try to make it have a more active voice.
"Dreams of Juliard, and Broadway,"
The word "Juliard" is actually spelled "Julliard", unless you spelled it that way for a reason, just thought to say that.
"Some say that she was raped by exes,:
"was raped by exes" is passive. and maybe add "by her exes"
"(30)Dreams of playing in NFL, but was forced to go to Troy."
",but was forced to go to Troy."
it has a passive voice. Could you possibly make it more active?
"Wanting to be a doctor in order to heal,"
So this actually has two things going for it.
it has a passive voice, then goes on to have a Complex expression.
"Her skin was burned, from a fire they assume,"
maybe make that, turn into something more dramatic? Like:
"Her skin, burnt from a fire? To what everyone assumed."
"a secret that would astonished the rest."
this can go two ways actually.
"a secret that would be astonished by the rest."
or
"a secret that would astonish the rest."
",the Church Boy was such a snitch"
maybe change "snitch" to something like "fink" (it's a British word)
"That went topsy turvy, and got a little tippy."
'topsy turvy' needs a hyphen.
"Her rich parents discovered that well kept secret,"
'well kept' needs a hyphen.
And last but not least.
The title, "Competiting" isn't a word. It's actually spelled "Competing"
other than those, you did an amazing job! I found this very interesting, and I think you can do something amazing with this skill of writing! You can do so much! Good luck in the near future!
Have a fabulous day!
~Ash
P.S.
I STRONGLY do encourage you to keep writing!