In the beginning, we were: young, sheltered, and most confining, innocent.
It didn't take long for our pure hearts to become tainted with everyday sins. Even so, we tried. With the town as our kingdom, we were in love. I would like to say that it was everyone else who destroyed us, but I would be lying. It was our corrupted hearts.
Our once virgin, child like love filled my days with us under our favorite oak tree, about the future of how different our lives would be after we got out of this town. Now those days are gone forever, and are just bitter memories.
Now our love is a degenerate guillotine, executing our bodies and minds with extreme highs and lows of anger, passion, and lust. Both of us have changed, and not for the better.
Our ever-burning internal flame is extinguished, but who cares? After the summer I had with you I wouldn't want any other way.
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141,381 Literary Works • 674,386 Reviews
Hey there, rhia here to review!
I love this prose style format, it's really a nice fresh thing to read after poetry that is so often following a very rigid structure. Props to that, it really fit the story being told-the love is unfolding more and more like a natural thing, so it feels right that the writing is allowed to flow and unfold as naturally.
I do have a few things that I noticed that could be improved, however.
I like the unconventional use of the colon here, it was a little surprising and really sets a focal point for the attention of the reader. My only suggestion is with the "and most confining". I feel like it doesn't flow very well, it almost feels as though "and most confining" is one of the adjectives that you are, when I know that in actuality it is just modifying "innocent". Maybe say "and most confining of all", or "but most confining of all". I think it would just make more sense.
This one's an easy fix, you just need a hyphen between child and like, child-like. At first I thought you were talking about a child you had, and I was confused. That would certainly clarify.
"I wouldn't want it any other way"? I think that's what you meant. Otherwise, just ignore me.
Really though, this was just really breathtaking and heart-wrenching. I think the fourth stanza is my favorite, I think you just packed so much power into each word there, it was really well done. I hope my suggestions helped, and I really love your writing style and would be so excited to read other stuff by you. If you post any other poetry or such and you want me to review or offer any help, I'd love to, just shoot me a message. Even if you don't need reviews, you should tell me just so I can read and enjoy
YESSSS!!! This is what I'm talking about! Great review *claps claps*. I a lot of the things you said were helpful!
Haha, I know! It's so hard to get good reviews, so often people just talk circles around your poem and don't actually give you any help. If I can't give at least three actual suggestions, I don't even write a review. I'm so glad it was helpful, I'm always willing to review poetry.
Now this is some poetry! xD I love the way the poem uses beautiful language and imagery to tell a story. It made my heart ache by the end, which tells me that the poem is real and skilful. Brilliant job!
Thanks for the positive feedback!
Hey! It's Neverland here to review your piece!
Let me start of by saying I liked the concept. Though there is one thing that I think needs changing. Mainly the setting out, you need to put it into stanzas, it'll flow a lot better.
Other then that I absolutely love it! I think that the way you had them start out so innocent and naive and then turn into lustful people that are now sinful. On top of that it was beautifully written.
Overall amazing piece that needs just a tad of work.
Good luck and keep writing. I look forward to seeing more work from you in the GreenRoom.
~Neverland.
Thanks for the tip
S'fine. Hope it helped in some way!