In the darken depths of your mind
You may think there’s no one like you in mankind
But you’re too blind
To open your eyes and find
That happiness is one thing you’ve left behind
You can fake the smile or hide your wrists
But you can’t pretend those scars don’t exist.
...
You don’t understand no one can
I hurt more than you ever could in your life span
Every night I close my eyes
Telling myself its going to be okay, that’s all lies
For on inside I know I want to die
Where ill have a pair of black wings and to hell I shall fly
...
Stop being lonesome, depressing and dark
Your letting the evils of your heart completely tear you apart
Your letting your demons win
Your hope is wearing thin
...
Hope is a word I no longer use
All hope in my life has been defused
The demons knock on my door at night
They are no longer a fright
I now realize they cant go away
For everywhere in my mind is where they stray
Their skin is peeling
Blood and bones are revealing
They gnarl and gnash their rotten old teeth
I can see the evil sprawl from beneath
I can see the hell burning in their eyes
A place where no angel like you could fly
The burning, the screaming the cries to be saved
The exit.. a path that can not be paved
For there is no hope this is a damned nation
Just stop let me go , I cant ignore this temptation.
They lure me in at night this cant be ignored
Trying to save me is something that you cant afford
i am to far gone just let me die
And into hell, my destiny is where I shall fly
Don’t tell me to put down the blade or put out the flame
Everything is wrong I am to blame
I must see the blood, the dark crimson red
For it’s a sign ill soon be dead
They way it looks, so bold on my skin
It helps my release my demons from within
I try to drown them with the blood of my sorrow
They’re gone temporarily but come back by the morrow
The way the flame burns so bold like a rose….
My life is a piece of music that has been badly composed
In my sleep there is no getting away
For every night my mind they stray
In my dreams
The evil beams
Casting over my eyes for the world to see
Why does it have to be me?!
...
Here they come they are knocking again
Louder and louder than they were in the begin
They are angry they want my soul
My mind, I am no longer in control
Scratching, screeching, crying out loud
The knock, bang oh on my door they pound
This is it I am damned
This is how my life was planned
They're coming in this is it I must go
But not with them.. for I know
That nothing good awaits in hell
I'm terrified, horrified death is what I can smell
They break down the door they’ve entered my brain
I guess this is what it feels like to be insane
They're coming at me I must think quick
Then it hits me.. my mind has clicked
There is one way out of this you see
I can escape I see my way to flee
...
I walk to my wall
I'm almost slightly to tall..
But this will work I will fit
I move close bit by bit
...
For a moment I stand still,
Then, I jump. Right off my window sill.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,801 Reviews
Oh my gosh. I would say this is beautiful, but the subject doesn't give off the right vibe. I'd say this is enlightening, but it's to dark. So, i'll say its perfect, because that fits. I have a friend, who was bullied horribly and he went a bit insane and tried to commit suicide. this poem really helps me identify with what he was feeling and it's very eye opening. I really love dark poetry, because anger and rage and sorrow to me are the main components of the base of emotion and this poem connects with all of them, sorrow especially, and it's so raw and powerful that it's almost overwhelming. I adore this, and i feel like i understand more of the metaphors than i would have identified before. Amazing.
Thank you for the compliments! I agree with you on loving dark poetry. People always ask me why i write it and i simply tell them "Life isn't always happy, people need to see the dark side of things too." and i think thats really true. I am very sorry about your friend.. I wrote a 6 page poem about bullying that you can probably relate to too, as soon as i make it shorter and publish it ill tell you! Thanks for the review<3
Like I said, I'm not very good at poetry. I can certainly appreciate a good poem though, and I loved this one.
I can't really say much about the rhythm of the poem, other than it flows well enough for me. I do know that once you started describing the demons, I picked up pace. I'm not sure if this was related to how you had written it or not.
While I don't know much about poetry, I do know a lot about grammar, so I'll help with a few things in this area. When you have I or any form of I (I'll, I'm, I'd), you need to capitalize it. So the ill in the second stanza needs a) capitalization and b) an apostrophe between the I and l.
Whenever you combine two words (can and not, for example) you need to use and apostrophe to combine the two. I guess you can think of the apostrophe taking a word's place, with a letter or two after it. So in stanza four, cant should be can't. The apostrophe would take the place of the *space* no, with the t following the apostrophe.
In the fourth stanza, I think the line, "Just stop let me go , I cant ignore this temptation" would read better if it was: "Just stop, let me go. I can't ignore this temptation." Like I said, I don't know much about poetry, so I don't know if there's a rule about using two periods in one line. I've never heard of one, though.
I loved the line, "My life is a piece of music that has been badly composed." It rings true with so many people, especially teenagers, who are trying so desperately to figure themselves out.
All in all, this is a really good poem. It's such a beautiful piece. I can't believe you're only thirteen! You have a wonderfully mature mind. Nice job and happy writing
Thanks so much for the grammar help! I should probably pay more attention in language arts, but I'm sure ill get better soon! Your review really helped, I never knew people paid so much attention to grammar until i started using this website but grammar is very important when writing. I'm really glad you liked it
People always tell me i have a really mature mind... I guess it's from what i've experienced and i tend to pay close attention to things most people don't... Anyways thank you so much for the help(:
Anytime
Hey, Nargles here to give you a review.
This was good, I really enjoyed it. Normally I don't review long poems such as this because I don't enjoy them as much but this one I really liked.
Like Firefox said there are a lot of grammar mistakes and all but as you get older and write more it will be easier to fix those, I struggle with them too at times.
This had a really dark theme to it and is rather sad. Yet, while it is said there is also some spark pf hope in it too. Like, the persona is trying to make a new life for themselves and is trying to get away from the demons, and the ending really cements this idea. While people may read it as the persona took their life trying to escape their demons, others may read it as they are jumping into a new life. The different interpretations a person can have of these poem is one of the reason I really like it.
Your descriptions are glorious and one of the reason I adore this poem, they are dark, captivating and some sent shivers down my spine, so good job.
Overall you have wriiten a great poem and I applaud you on that.
Welcome to YWS and keep writing please.
Nargles xxx
I'm glad you enjoyed this(: I'll work on grammar in the future i'm just terrible with it and i find it much easier to have my mom edit them so i'll keep that in mind next time i write. I prefer to write dark for whenever i try to write happy things it ends up turning out bad, but i am glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for you review(:
Hey, modernzombie!
A review for you, at your request! I think since you've read some of my other reviews, you know the drill. I list three or so main things that could use some work to make this poem even better, and I will tell you the things that I really loved about it as well.
Needs Improvement:
1. Grammar, spelling, and punctuation. I won't nitpick; that's certainly not my thing. But I will give you two examples from your piece: "But you’re to blind" - Where you have written "to" should be "too." Example number two: "For there is no hope this is a damned nation" - I believe that this should read "For there is no hope; this is a damned nation" - I think the semicolon works best here, because it doesn't exactly need a comma, nor a period, and the semicolon indicates that you are still referring to the same thought, but you don't want it to be a run-on sentence.
2. I felt that the ending was a little... abrupt. I think that's the word I'm looking for. I loved the entire poem, up until the end, simply because I feel that there's something missing. I think you could elaborate even more on this piece and, though it would be lengthier, it would be even more powerful if we knew exactly what happened to the narrator.
3. It seems that our narrator indicates a glimmer of hope toward the end, as she said that she "knows nothing good awaits in Hell" and she won't go with them. But earlier in the poem, our narrator states that she has no hope at all. This is a little bit of an indiscretion for me. Perhaps you can clear it up in an edited version?
Alright, I really enjoyed this poem. As I told you, I am not a poet myself. I used to try to be, but I gave in to the realization that I am a fiction writer, not a poet. Haha. So I tend to try not to review poetry either, being that I don't know much about it and there have been people on YWS who have gotten offended when I reviewed their poem, corrected some of their grammar and mistakes, and I was then told that I "don't understand the rules of poetry." But, you asked for my review, so here ya' go! I have to let you know that I ADORE your descriptions! I.e. "For everywhere in my mind is where they stray/Their skin is peeling/Blood and bones are revealing/They gnarl and gnash their rotten old teeth" - I would also like to point out that I absolutely loved the line "For there is no hope; this is a damned nation." That is one of my favorite lines in the entire poem. This honestly reminds me of Dante's "Inferno." I don't know if you've ever read it but, in a nutshell, Dante wrote a 300 page poem (I believe it's 300 pages) on the different layers of Hell. I absolutely adored it and have a sort of infatuation with it. If you've never read it, you should! It may give you some ideas! Anyway, I am typically not a fan of darker poetry like this, but you blew me away and I actually really enjoyed it. It's not too sinister and depressing, but it does leave me wondering what exactly happened to our narrator! Enlighten us, please!!
If you have any questions or are interested in another review on anything, please don't hesitate to PM me again!
-FireFox
thank you so much! that is exactly what i needed(: i actually did not check this for grammar mistakes. im only in 8th grade so i usually have my mom edit them for me but i didn't want her reading this one. But now i realize that theres a lot of mistakes so ill go back to correct those(: i had a tough time with the ending but i think ill make a second poem to follow up on it! i'll start that tonight :p The poem you mentioned sounds like something i would really enjoy, ill probably read it(: thank you so much for your opinion i'm going to use what you said to make an edited copy(:
I know endings and beginnings are the hardest parts to write! Maybe sometime you should try writing from the middle first; that helps me sometimes and I end up being able to write the beginning and ending so easily! You're very welcome!
I would absolutely love to read more of your work! Don't hesitate to PM me whenever you need help or an opinion! I started writing a lot when I was in 8th grade. I am now 20 years old and have been out of college for a year now. I was an English major at the University of Florida. 
I promise to never steer you wrong! If you ever need a mentor, pick me!
-FireFox
this is true, i find beginnings the hardest to write but i'll try starting in the middle next time! Theres one other thing i would like you to review i have not uploaded it yet but when i do i'll PM you! You can be my mentor :p if i ever need any help writing ill come to you(: you seem to be pretty good at it!
Aww, thanks!
Definitely let me know when you upload it! I'll be the first to review it!
okay thank you!
Wow. This is so moving an powerful. I can fill the dark energy radiating off of it. I especially like this seciotn :The burning, the screaming the cries to be saved
The exit.. a path that can not be paved
For there is no hope this is a damned nation
Just stop let me go , I cant ignore this temptation.
They lure me in at night this cant be ignored
Trying to save me is something that you cant afford
i am to far gone just let me die
And into hell, my destiny is where I shall fly
Don’t tell me to put down the blade or put out the flame
Everything is wrong I am to blame
I must see the blood, the dark crimson red
For it’s a sign ill soon be dead
They way it looks, so bold on my skin
This poem is an example of all the pain so many feel. It talks of the addiction for pain. It made me want to cry, because it remonds me how many people there are who feel like they are so unwanted. I can tell that you put deep emotion into this. VERY well done. I am impressed.
thank you so much(: although i am not depressed it seems i am best at writing darker poems. but i am happy you enjoyed it!
I did enjoy it very much. your welcome.