You awake outside. In-front of you lays a mid century suburban house brimming with warm lights. From the house comes a carnival of voices and music.
All the voices are those of your loved ones. How taunting.
When you try to open the door, it's locked. The ring of the doorbell and your incessant knocks and shouts are all drowned out by sounds of laughter and joy. The windows of the house are frosted, only allowing you to make out fuzzy silhouettes of celebration when you peer in.
Outside the warm home is a frigid and wet yard. Trees stand next to you, tall and imposing and other houses line the road, all in the same suburban style, however all empty and locked and almost desolate. The back yards of the houses harbour a vast forest filled with dark trees obscuring the view of the inside. Two street lights illuminate the road, one flickers every once in an while with an irritating buzzing sound.
Walking away from the house the thick atmosphere drowns out the the joyous sounds and exploring down the road reveals on each end a hard cut in the pavement, exposing the foreboding forest.
A cold relentless wind chills you to your bones but, somehow, remains completely silent, unable to even rustle the trees.
There is nothing in the other than a crescent moon, its regard is cold and the light it emits is dim and fills the air with a feeling of emptiness.
There is nothing here for you, but yet you do not relent. Banging on the doors of the other houses reveals that either all the inhabitants are on vacation, the houses have been left abandon, or maybe no one lived in them in the first place.
Suddenly you realize artificiality of it all. Is this real? Was it ever?
The realization hits you. It hits you hard. You look down and suddenly your feet are running towards the woods looking for something. A way out?
Maybe looking for the certainty of your existence, something to prove this is real or, maybe something to prove this is all just a bad dream.
In the woods you find... Nothing. You're back at the house. You must've gotten disoriented. Try again.
Your feet carry you back into the woods you make it a few steps in before you blink once and... you're back? No that's not right. You should be in the woods.
You're confused, lost and its not getting any warmer out here. Would making a different choice change the outcome?
You stare at the house
Maybe for a moment you could bask in its light and imagine you were inside. But you're not. And nothing will change that.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello, fellow author! I saw your work and wanted to leave a review!
For someone who claims to not be a writer, this piece impressed me! I wonder if this was inspired by a dream because that's the impression I got. You really captured the essence of what a dream feels like using a good variety of descriptions and matter-of-fact statements. I personally love reading and writing dream-like pieces, so I enjoyed reading this!
I also wonder if this could capture the feeling of being left out. The protagonist's (I'm just using the word 'protagonist' so it's easier to read this review, even though this is written in second person) family and friends are all in the house that they're trying to get into, laughing and having fun. The main character feels cold and alone, not knowing how to get away from the house, or the feeling. That's what I got from it, anyway. I could be totally off-course!
Many lines stuck out to me in this piece. You used well-thought word choice to convey the dream-like feeling throughout the piece.
This line felt so eerie! Almost as if a spectator is watching the main character, and telling them they'll have to try something new. Which, again, is often something that happens in dreams! I know for my dreams, at least, my perspective switches from first to third person all the time!
I liked this line because it really shows how disorienting and confusing dreams can be, especially when wrestling with reality within the dreams. You did such a good job of conveying this in the story!
The only piece of advice I would give you is to keep writing! You have a talent for it, and this is a really interesting piece! The more you write, the more your grammar and fluency skills will improve. You already have a good foundation for writing, and you'll only improve as you continue.
I am also very surprised that you wrote such an excellent story in second person! that's not something I find often in writing, so for you to be able to write it so well is impressive!
Overall, I think this is a captivating short story that keeps the reader thinking about it. Your word choice and story structure add so much to this story, making for it to be an enjoyable read.
Welcome to YWS, and keep writing! -Avian
Thank you so much for your comments! You were spot on about feeling of being left out
Hi there Moby welcome to Yws! Cupid here, thought I'd fly over a short review for you haha. I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today! Let's dive in, shall we?
🔶 Top Graham Cracker: First Impressions!
Ooo! Your opening scene instantly my attention with a sense of longing and unattainable warmth. The locked door, despite the merriment within, sets the stage for a poignant exploration of desire and disconnection. A captivating introduction to the maze of emotions that lies ahead!
🔥 Slightly Burned Marshmallow: Room Improvements!
I think, your narrative effectively captures the isolation outside the house, although I think there is some room to further enhance the atmospheric elements, like describing the frigid yard, imposing trees, and flickering streetlights with a touch more detail can immerse the reader even deeper into the eerie setting. Building upon these elements will enrich the overall experience. Nevertheless, the groundwork is well-laid!
🍫 Melty Hershey's Chocolate: Highlights of the Piece!
I feel like you did a really good job with the protagonist's attempts to break free from the desolation. The existential questioning, prompted by the realization of artificiality, adds real depth to the narrative. The pursuit of certainty and the recurrent return to the same point create an intriguing rhythm, keeping your readers hooked on the well-crafted layers of mystery! (*Spooky ghost noises*)
🔥Pefectly Toasted Marshmallow: Favorite lines!
🍃 I love your imagery here! I'm imagining a biting wind that, against all expectations, refrains from its usual howls, leaving the surroundings eerily still. (0-0) The trees, stoic sentinels, stand undisturbed, creating an atmosphere of haunting quietude. (Your imagery is stunning, and so well crafted! <3)
🌙 I love how in this line, the use of "cold regard" personifies the crescent moon, attributing it with a detached and distant observation. The dim light it casts intensifies the overall atmosphere of the story, enveloping the surroundings in an eerie glow. Well-done! ^-^
Picture the protagonist's futile attempts to break the cycle, The mention of "vacant houses" evokes a sense of emptiness and abandonment. The phrase "mysterious absence" adds an intriguing layer, suggesting a departure that goes beyond physical vacation—a departure from the normalcy of existence.
I didn't want to quote to many (I would've eventually quoted the whole story-) But I love your use of imagery in both these few lines and in the story entirely you really know how to create an enjoyable, but spooky atmosphere, beautiful job Moby!
🔶 Bottom Graham Cracker: Closing Thoughts!
Like all stories, we must sadly come to an end. Your story skillfully navigates the delicate balance between desire and disconnection. With a touch more atmospheric detailing, I feel this story has the potential to further captivate us readers. Thank you for writing this enchanting piece! I can't wait to read more from you in the future!
Fly high writer, Cupid. 💘
Thanks so much for your review
I'll keep in mind your improvements for next time!