z

Young Writers Society


16+

The sun

by moby


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

I was eight when the sun exploded but I remember it like it was yesterday.

It was a beautiful day, not a cloud in sight. The piercing rays of warmth poked and prodded at my skin. I played in the sand at the park with my mother and sister. It didn't make a noise, the only thing that did was the blaring alarms and broadcasters. They already knew it was too late, the supernova would reach Earth and leave a desolate waste in its wake and there was nothing anyone could do. 

I looked up. In the sky was no longer a sphere but a cacophony of melting obelisks and debris of orange light.

I tugged gleefully at my mother's skirt to show her the light show but when her eyes met mine I knew something was wrong. Her eyebrows cocked into a worried gaze and her eyes glassed over. She grabbed me and my sister and hugged us tight. I think that's when I realized the situation. She covered our eyes and ignored our questioning.

I'm certain she waited there for what felt like hours waiting for destruction. But the next time we looked up, the sun wasn't any closer.

In some cruel yet miraculous turn of fate, the sun stopped its apocalypse, satisfying itself with the destruction of one planet.

Growing up felt meaningless, it felt like any day the outer layer of the burning star might reach us and everything we've ever done would never have mattered.

It's been 9 years and yet, somehow, life moves on. 

Sometimes I feel like time stopped that day, in that park, in my mother's arms.

But here I am, my first day of senior year. Growing up, it felt impossible to make it here.

Like every other day, I take the bus, it's a long ride from my house in the country to my school so the melting sun rises and I pass the large bodies of water in my town. Driving down the bumpy roads a few other students join my solitude however no one dares disturb it, not even me. So the journey continues to the soundtrack of my playlist.

After about 50 minutes I arrive at Stoneridge High School, the only high school for miles. After the freeze(of the sun) my mom thought it would be nice to live in the country. You know, to relax and stuff. But this school is probably the least relaxing thing I have ever experienced, the messy halls, the shitty teachers and the even shittier students all mix together to create the most lethal concoction of awful with a side of awful. The only good things? Lex and Caspian, my best friends. 

I've known Lex since I moved here 8 years ago and she's probably the coolest person I've ever met other than my mom. She always shows up to school head to toe in the most extravagant goth outfits because, as she says: "Might aswell live everyday like it's you last!" . We really liked haging out just the two of us, judging the latest drama and gossip about the jocks and the girls that are so pretty they pretend not to see us, until Caspian came. Caspian somhow managed to worm his way into our, now, trio and it feels like we've know eachother forever.

Dispite the giant problem in the sky, we manage to make even the smallest things feel special and fun.

Stepping off the bus I see Lex, crouching in her usual corner, waiting for one of us to show up. Her face beams as I walk up to her. By beam I mean she has the smallest itty bitty smirk, which by Lex standard means she's exstatic.


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82 Reviews


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Reviews: 82

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Tue Jan 23, 2024 7:13 pm
Ley wrote a review...



Hello! :D Ley here to review this piece for you!

First impressions...

The first sentence of this snippet captured my attention right away. You started off with something that grabbed the reader's attention, which I applaud you for. My initial pull from this piece is that it's a sci-fi/fiction snippet, and I love anything to do with sci-fi, so here I am!

When I was reading this I felt...

Intrigued, on edge, interested. Your word choice and descriptions were on-point! You really did encapsulate the suspense of the story, and you introduced some important characters and background on the main character.

My favorite line/quote is...



I looked up. In the sky was no longer a sphere but a cacophony of melting obelisks and debris of orange light.


This was my all-time favorite line! The vocabulary, the word choice, the descriptive descriptions were all right there. I could imagine solar flares dancing on the edges of the sun, ready to explode.

Some things I would change would be...

Nothing at all! I only wished that it was longer and I had more to work with. If you're asking for advice on this snippet and whether or not you should continue this story, I think you should! This is a great start to an even better novel.

Overall...

This was a wonderful and exhilarating read! I can't wait to see what happens next. Happy writing! <3

With Love,
Leya




moby says...


Thanks so much! I'm very happy you enjoyed it!



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Tue Jan 23, 2024 4:50 pm
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FireEyes wrote a review...



Hello moby! Incoming review!

The concept of your story is pretty solid. It was a pleasant read. Not much else to say with general statements, so on to the review!

I start my reviews with critiques about the work.

So the first thing I realized while writing is maybe how the focus of the sun exploding isn't explored. It was there in the first half, and then life moves on for the narrator and is only mentioned as some event. I understand this is parallelling what happens in real life: a huge event happens to the world and we move on like it was nothing. But in a story like this we have the chance to break reality and make it into something we'd want to happen. We can make the people in the story actually care. This is also a short story so I get how the concept wouldn't be explored fully, I'm just suggesting these things in case you'd like to carry on with this story in the future.

Sometimes your sentences are a little too on the nose. Like with

I think that's when I realized the situation.
There could have been a little bit of going back to childish wonder and breaking out of the narrator's cynicism showing a bit more into their character maybe.

A bit of a more advanced technique in prose writing you could use is when describing things, don't use words of things that aren't in the scene. For example
It was a beautiful day, not a cloud in sight.
This isn't a bad sentence, but to elevate it, you could do something like
It was a beautiful day, the blue expanse of the sky reached as far as the eye could see.
The reason I suggested these kinds of changes is that the mind will automatically want to imagine clouds there even if it's describing no clouds being there. In short: describe what is there, not what isn't.

Okay, that's enough critique, time to praise your work!

Your use of description, especially in the beginning, was phenomenal. I greatly appreciated some sentences like
In the sky was no longer a sphere but a cacophony of melting obelisks and debris of orange light.
and
In some cruel yet miraculous turn of fate, the sun stopped its apocalypse, satisfying itself with the destruction of one planet.
One took me into the world seeing the sky falling. The other made the sun out to be a villain of some type. It evoked some feeling in me like the injustice of how unfair it is to make these innocent people cower only for the sun to back out and leave them terrified for the rest of their lives

Lex and Caspain are compelling too. I'd love to see more of them. An optimistic goth and the guyest-guy-to-ever-guy. I like these kinds of dynamics. So it'd be super cool to see you develop them in the future.

But that's all I have for today, I hope you found some of it useful. If you didn't, no sweat, take what you feel is relevant and leave the rest. Please keep on writing, and I'll see you in the next one. Anyway, byeeeeeeeeeeeeeee




moby says...


Thanks for the review! I really appreciate all the amazing feedback! I'll keep it in mind in the future! :D



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Mon Jan 22, 2024 6:47 pm
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Youbeaucupid wrote a review...



Hi there! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today! (/≧▽≦)/

Good afternoon Moby! Cupid here, thought I'd fly over a review for you poem today. Let's get flying! (Also I'm using the Boba Method! herbalhour was the one to inspired me to try out a new review style, make sure to check them out!)


⚫ The Boba Pearls: First Impression:

Hey there again Moby! Your story kicked off with a bang—literally, the sun exploding! I was immediately sucked into the scene of that beautiful day, the warmth on the skin, the sand at the park, and then bam! The alarms blaring, the broadcasters going wild. The contrast between the innocence of playing in the sand and the impending doom created such a powerful vibe.

🍵 The Tea Base: Room Improvements!

I totally felt the weight of growing up under the constant threat of the sun's freeze. You touched on it, but how about diving even deeper into the emotional rollercoaster of it all? I want to know what's going on inside the characters' heads, the internal struggles, and how they're dealing with this cosmic chaos.

Also, I'd love to know how the freeze affected society. What were people doing to cope? How did it reshape the world? I'm dying to know those details to enrich the whole experience.

🥛 The Milk: Highlights of Piece

Your storytelling game is strong! I love how you portrayed resilience and finding meaning in the seemingly meaningless. The trio's friendship against the backdrop of chaos is heartwarming. But, again that little nit-pick pops back up, I feel we can dig even deeper into their dynamics. How do they support each other emotionally? I want to feel the realness of their connection.

And, seriously, the messy halls, the crappy teachers, and the even crappier students at Stoneridge High— I felt that. The contrast with the warmth of friendship is spot-on.

🍬 The Sweetener: Favorite lines!

"Sometimes I feel like time stopped that day, in that park, in my mother's arms, as if the sun's freeze reached beyond the sky and into the very fabric of our existence."


Dudee, this line is like a punch to the feels. You painted such a vivid picture of the freeze not just being a cosmic event but messing with the very essence of life, and I am so here for it. Absolutly Love it!

"Stepping off the bus, I spot Lex, crouching in her usual corner, a mosaic of shadows painted across her face as she waits for one of us to show up. As I approach, her expression shifts from patient anticipation to a subtle smirk, a nuanced dance of emotions that reveals her unique blend of excitement and contentment."


This description of Lex waiting is pure gold. I can totally picture her in that corner, a mix of shadows and that mischievous smirk. It's like you captured a whole vibe in your words, your vivid imagery and the way you write clashes together perfectly, well done Moby!! :D

🧋 Completed drink: Closing thoughts

Your story is like a cosmic rollercoaster! The blend of sci-fi with the struggles of high school life is so unique. Keep pouring your heart into it—I'm legit excited to see where it goes next. Can't wait to chat about the next chapter over some virtual boba or whatever your go-to drink is! 💫

Fly high writer, Cupid. 💘




moby says...


Thanks so much!




#longlivebigbrother
— alliyah