Raindrops tapping the windowpane
in multicolours,
the sun shines through,
beaming kaleidoscope specks
on the mud coloured walls.
Air gushes in all hues of blues
and every shade of jade.
Snuggly hidden,
far behind the tallest mountain,
down a deep abyss of glass-sharp rocky dust.
Just when the last rays of the blue moon splay themselves
spreadeagled on the brick roof twisting up into the stars,
you'll spot her catching a midnight stroll
in a crimson velvet dress.
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The last of the blue moon is DISPLAYED and the thing about the spreadeagled does not sound right. Try just plain-old-spread. And if only the world was not black and white. We all need a pair of rose-colored-glasses
I love the colourful nature of the poem its very uplifiting, so well done!
My only pick would be perhaps some of your images could do with a little extra power and punch. These are fantastic natural images you have selected, so make them stand ou,t give them the attention they deserve, and lavish some elevated ornate language on them! Towards the end is great, youre really getting that power coming through, with the moonlight and the abyss.
Hi, Mizz!
This is such a feel-good poem. I liked the colour aspect – however, I don't know if its your problem or mine, but when you say blue, I see blue. And when you say crimson, I see crimson. And yes, I consider this a problem, because how can we know whether I would see blue if you didn't say blue? That probably sounds confusing, but I'll try to explain. It's like you make me do the job for you, or not necessarily me, but someone or something who's not you. Saying just "blue" is quite boring. It's telling. It's easy, but it's not challenging in any way. Challenge the readers and yourself. If you think about it, it's perfectly possible to make the whole poem shine in rainbow colours without never mentioning the word "colour" or a name of a colour. I'd like to see you try it, because I'm quite sure you can.
I don't want to see the word "colour" in a poem that's carried on by the aspect of colours.
Some technical stuff:
The last stanza strikes to me as too wordy, at least compared to the previous ones. It was something that didn't quite fit in, but instead of making it more simple, you could try making the other ones more complex – after getting rid of the most direct colour words, of course. It would be other words that made it blue, for example, not the word "blue."
Also,
I believe you need only one G. =)
Well, it seems I got a bit carried away. I hope you don't mind, but it's a thought that intrigues me greatly – how to write about something without writing about it?
In any case, this poem made me feel pleasant, which is, in the end, the most important thing, I guess. Think about what I said, though.
Demeter
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