Formality
We sit on her parlour sofas which were covered with sheets before my arrival.
She sits opposite me, a tray of lemonade and pound cake not the only
thing between us, this suffocating formality,
hot and tense clouds just above our heads.
our tongues are heavy and uneasy.
The polite clinking of the ice in the lemonade sets the tone,
...knees together, back straight,
...gracious smile.
.........And then the monstrous task of conversation.
I must be many things:
....funny (but not silly)
....intelligent (but not arrogant)
....interested (but not nosy)
....must compliment her (not sugar-buttery)
I mould, and shape and compress each phrase in my head
before dropping it between us,
and I know she does the same.
...It's a polite game of ping pong, back and forth,
...achieving nothing, but keeping it steady and going.
and then it dwindles to a pause...
A breeze blows in from the open window
A truck lumbers by outside.
the dreadful heavy pause.
our smiles fade to blankness, fingers twitch
my heart quickens, perspiration forming,
and I rummage frantically in my head for a topic.
I can hear the second hand ticking.
we avoid eye contact.
think, think, think.
ah--she brings up the weather
yes the weather,
how nice,
and I agree,
no more of that rain.
yes isn't that great?
hope it keeps this way.
We cover the weather,
how busy life can be,
and how delicious her pound cake is.
Oh look at the time!
I say and flee as politely as I can.
I know when the door shuts behind me,
she sighs with relief, dropping into my late seat,
legs apart, form stretched out, the tense clouds
having followed me out.
She'll linger there, perhaps even take
a more generous helping of that pound cake,
before she decides
it's time to cover the sofas again.
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Canary word: Present
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Aww, darn, when it comes to picking on you these guys beat me to it...just kidding.
Since they've already given you a ton of critiques, I won't do any complaining. Nice poem, interesting subject that I thought you portrayed really well. Your descriptions were, as mentioned, really well-written.
Thanks Fizza!
I really enjoyed the descriptions, especially the smaller ones such as the pound cake and the lemonade, I could imagine the situation. However, I agree with sealegs, a more elaborate description of things in the room and what you would be thinking as you tried to make conversation. Also, I didn't like the brackets used here :
I understand what you were trying to show, but the use of brackets just distracted me personally. All in all, a great poem, I really enjoyed it!
Thanks for the comment sealegs! I'm glad the poem captured your interest.
Let's see. To start, I like some descriptions you have here of the sofas, the pound cake, the lemonade etc. Sometimes you stray from these descriptions though, and the poem loses some of its power. Try to make us feel how heavy the silence is...how slow the conversation becomes. The descriptions of the breeze coming in through the window and the truck driving by are nice. Perhaps you could add more descriptions of things in the room - things you notice or think about when you're frantically trying to create conversation. You talk about the weather but I think you can one-up yourself and find something else mundane to cover that isn't as cliche!
Lastly, you've also managed to make me interested in who this woman is that your character is talking to, so A+ for curiosity.