************
The land of all hallow,
a place without name.
Of mossy dams shallow,
of skies full of shame.
Dusty desert dunes,
and watery spruce untame.
A leathery people made loons,
playing the ghastly game.
One step forward, two steps back,
three steps forward, into a trap.
Quick grab the spiders!
Fast snatch the snakes!
Get those hopping, mining worms
from inside the lakes!
Watch where you step,
for it may be your last.
In the game of blame,
you have to be fast.
Over the mountains,
under the sun.
The game of blame,
continues on.
Over the planes and into the sea,
past the shipwreck that once held me.
One step forward, two steps back,
three steps forward, into a trap.
Quick grab the spiders!
Fast snatch the snakes!
Get those hopping, mining worms
from inside the lakes!
Watch where you step,
for it may be your last.
In the game of blame,
you mustn't come last.
Swim like a madman,
out to the rocks.
One man for danger scan,
another to the crocs.
In the secret cove,
out from the shore.
Better than the grove
that the enemy adore.
One step forward, two steps back,
three steps forward, into a trap.
Quick grab the spiders!
Fast snatch the snakes!
Get those hopping, mining worms
from inside the lakes!
Watch where you step,
for it may be your last.
In the game of blame,
the bait's been cast.
Hairy and bedraggled,
we sneak into the base.
Soldiers left rattled,
dead or defaced.
Hold tight your stones and spears,
Ready yourself for the fight.
Feeling those old fears,
you'll probably die tonight.
One step forward, two steps back,
three steps forward, into a trap.
Quick grab the spiders!
Fast snatch the snakes!
Get those hopping, mining worms
from inside the lakes!
Watch where you step,
for it may be your last.
In the game of blame,
there's no-one you can trust.
**********
Hey, Pix here. I'm going to review this poem for ya-
The BOLD is what I wote.
The land of all hallow, I like this, I think how you continued it at the bottom it was very good.
a place without name.
Of mossy dams shallow,
of skies full of shame.
Dusty desert dunes,
and watery spruce untame. I like this whole paragraph. Very detailed, very simple yet informative.
A leathery people made loons,
playing the ghastly game.
One step forward, two steps back,
three steps forward, into a trap.
Quick grab the spiders!
Fast snatch the snakes!
Get those hopping, mining worms
from inside the lakes!
Watch where you step,
for it may be your last.
In the game of blame,
you have to be fast. I'd have to say you had me at suspense by this point. This could be made into a song...Great job.
Over the mountains,
under the sun.
The game of blame,
continues on.
Over the planes and into the sea,
past the shipwreck that once held me.
One step forward, two steps back,
three steps forward, into a trap.
Quick grab the spiders!
Fast snatch the snakes!
Get those hopping, mining worms
from inside the lakes!
Watch where you step,
for it may be your last.
In the game of blame,
you mustn't come last. Both of these two stanzas, this one and the one above it were amazing.
Swim like a madman,
out to the rocks.
One man to scan,
another to the crocs.
In the secret cove,
out from the shore.
Better than the grove
that the enemy adore. This one however had me a little confused. "One man to scan," I didn't really get that.
One step forward, two steps back,
three steps forward, into a trap.
Quick grab the spiders!
Fast snatch the snakes!
Get those hopping, mining worms
from inside the lakes!
Watch where you step,
for it may be your last.
In the game of blame,
the bait's been cast. Oh! You changed it! Yay! That was what I was hoping for. You can't just keep using the same paragraph.
Hairy and bedraggled,
we sneak into the base.
Side-stepping solder strangled,
another with broken face.
Hold tight your stones and spears,
Ready yourself for the fight.
Feeling those old fears,
you'll probably die tonight. This one I didn't really get either... The third line. Maybe that's a typo?
One step forward, two steps back,
three steps forward, into a trap.
Quick grab the spiders!
Fast snatch the snakes!
Get those hopping, mining worms
from inside the lakes!
Watch where you step,
for it may be your last.
In the game of blame,
there's no-one you can trust.
overall, This is an amazing Poem. It was suspensful, Very detailed. I'll give it a 9/10. Keep writing.
~Katie
Thank-you very much PixieStix, ElizabethHuntley, emilybrodo and wordsandwishes! I've revised the poem now and everyone's comments made me very happy. Thank-you!
This was really good!
I liked it a lot! I mean -- this was amazing!!
My god, you always freaking manage to amaze me each time I am honored by your creativetie's awesome presence. Everyone, you should be shooting a million reviews this way and comments because this person is just insanely brilliant. As much as I wish for your writing skill I may not get it, though, I might just have to kill you so I can be the best writer at school. Just kidding, you may sleep with your eyes closed tonight. And they say I don't have humour 'fake nervous laugh' Anyway, god you have great potential, you're probably already there if I didn't know better.
I mean everything in this poem is perfect (except you spelt soldier wrong) I mean the imagery is beautiful, and your use of words is great. Your rhyming is incredible, and the whole painting of blame and how it's a game (cool i rhymed) is just amazing. 'goes to dictionary and finds synonyms of amazing and such' Astonishing, astounding, awe-inspiring (seriously i am inspired) hmm, I don't know how awful is a synonym of amazing, think i'll leave that one out (seriously, awful was a synonym) incredible. You deserve all those words for this poem (except awful, that is just crazy weird)
Anyway, hope when you see this, you get a smile on your face, and you get more passion to continue writing, because I know you're going to be up there with J.K. and Derek Landy and all the famous people who have ever written an amazing book.
From Em XD @_@ XD
Wow, if I had to review this in one word it would be wow. I really love this poem; it has a very clear image and cryptic meaning. The start was a tiny bit bumpy rhythm wise but it really set the scene. The title fit this perfectly as well, and it really grabbed my attention. I didn't notice any spelling mistakes either. I hope to see more of your work!
Words&wishes
P.S. Rating: 9.5/10