Immortal wings on hence thy fly,
High above the world you soar;
On the threshold of life and death,
Never uttering a word.
You call for me, from up above,
Reaching into tortured soul
You beg for me to take of the cup,
Damning my eternal soul.
What have I left but my life,
And you wish to take it whole?
You breath, your words, against your skin,
Begging me to let you in.
Immortality, the face of a lie,
Its only another word my eternal death.
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140,139 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
I must say this is the most intriguing poem I have yet to read on here. I'd like to disagree with one of the comments about their critique of "Never uttering a word" then " You call for me". I find it a very beautiful paradox that delicately depicts the enticing nature of immortality. I find this poem quite paradoxical in general, really, but also unquestionably effective in concretizing Immortality and portraying it as some sort of deceptive beast.
These are the lines that I loved the most, the reason why I decided to read your poem was its splendid beginning.
However, these following lines
are not really the best way to continue the poem. The last line "Never uttering a word" feels quite empty in meaning. It feels like this part is from another context, in my opinion.
These lines are good. I liked them.
I understand what you wanted to say here, that there is nothing left for you, except for life, but the way you put it, it could be interpreted as "I have left my life", as in I've left my life behind and nothing else. Thought I should tell you what I understood at first when I read it for the first time.
Against his skin, or against yours?
Loved these lines! My favourite part until now. Love the metaphor in "the face of a lie".
And one more thing. I believe you should organize this poem into stanzas, it makes the reading so much easier.
Hi misstoria!
So you have:
Hm. This poem is interesting. I find it intriguing that you are using flight as a metaphor both for life and of death. It's an interesting concept! I kind of wish you explained this a bit more, but that's okay.
Now! You might want to take a good look at your poem and get rid of any inconsistencies. For example, the second line starts off as this:
Never uttering a word.
You call for me, from up above,
How can you never utter a word and yet call for someone? It doesn't quite make sense!
Speaking of the beginning, the first line doesn't make any sense!
Immortal wings on hence thy fly,
Written in modern language, this is equivalent of saying:
Immortal wings on therefore your fly.
And that really makes no sense to me! What are you trying to say?
So, really really really make sure that you're not just putting words that sound good together, regardless of their meaning. You're going to want to make sure they make sense together!
Also, you may want to be a little more explicit about your example of immorality. It isn't very clear that the angel of sorts (perhaps?) is offering her immortality. So you may want to make it more obvious!
Hope that helps.
Cool. Keep writing.
-Kafka
"You call for me, from up above,
,
Reaching into tortured soul[...]
Damning my eternal soul. "
Your speaker is addressing someone who is actually, physically above them? Damnation of soul implies hell, which is only understood as that which is below us. So, with that in mind, these lines read as the person being literally above, not metaphorically. If you intended to mean that, I don't think it would hurt to replace 'above' with 'below'.
Also, repetition of the same word twice is often avoided, because it seems to slow the writing or make it loose in reading. We know you are talking about your soul, so, to repeat it is not necessary. You should consider replacing 'soul' with something, anything you think merits to mean 'your soul', and put it in its place. This could be your eternal 'life' or something along those lines.
Reading your writing out loud, you will find that you will hesitate on repeated words, because it is not everyday a writing does that and more often then not, its repeated, like that, for a reason. If you repeat for said reason, this is unclear. A way you could clarify this is by putting synonyms in your piece that means 'soul' and images/words that are synonymous with 'soul', such as 'holy', 'glory', 'light', etc.
"And you wish to take it whole?"
Comma after 'it' to show that you mean the whole of it. Without the comma, it implies You wishes to take it whole in a certain fashion (i.e. wholly, lots, etc)
Final line "Its only another..."
Write 'it' apostrophe 's' to express the conjunction of 'it' and 'is'. Without the apostrophe is express ownership.
"Its only another word my eternal death."
Comma after word to show that 'another word' is your 'eternal death'. Without the comma, it reads, again, as an unfinished thought.
I enjoy your diction and that you use the words you need, not what creates a complete sentence. That is something young writers often struggle with.
Lastly, don't feel obligated to capitalize the first letter of every line. It does look more formal and clean, but you need to capitalize for literary reasons, not for looks. Many of your lines break in the middle of a thought, so the first word of some of your lines is a word in the middle of a sentence. You only need to capitalize the first letter of a sentence, so do that. You also capitalize specific people, places, things, or ideas, so capitalizing a word to emphasize its importance or to show it has a direct correlation to the subject, or for another reason like that, is perfectly okay in creative writing, though not formally accepted. The poem will be easier to read if only the beginning of the thought/sentence and specific ideas are capitalized, not every line. With that, the writing will read more clearly.
Hope I helped!
K.T. Whatley