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Drag Me To Hell

by miley

Drag me to hell

Cz nw i knw it vry well

Dat i'm nt gonna chng

N u r no more in ma rnge

Ol dat nw i knw

Its jst a big no

U can do as u wish

I'm nt gonna b piss(ed)

Now dat i hv ur attnson

Let me gv u a lill tenson

Yes u MR.

I'm tlkng 2 u sinstr

Nw wat i'm gonna say

Dnt get in wnd's way

4 u'll gt in a big trbl

As its nt jst a pssng bble

& let me also tel u




Nw nthng u do

Cn trlb me

So if u wnt

U can cuntinu 2 haunt

N of cors if u wnt


4 i'm nt gonna chng....

Is this a review?



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324 Reviews

Points: 0
Reviews: 324

Tue Sep 02, 2014 9:14 pm
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Evander wrote a review...

Hello, Miley, I am here to review this work. I am going to give my honest opinion on this, so I am sorry if I end up offending you.

Now, one of the first things I noticed when reading this, that it was done in chat speak. Now, for some, that makes it hard to read. I am wondering if there is a reason for that. A possibility I have thought of is that that narrator is sending texts to someone. The caps could be fits of rage when the person on the other line is not responding.

However, why use chat speak anyway? The character would look far more educated if chat speak was not in this at all. The fits of capslock can be in italics and it will seem that if the character is whispering the words in a fit of anger, making this seem far more emotional. (Of course, the feeling of texting would be gone. If that what the narrator is aiming for, then I have some suggestions in the latter part of this

Who is your character even talking to? To whom is this letter addressed? The use of you don't tell us much. The person on the other end can be male or female. They could be one or many? That leaves a question to the reader, something that makes us think for a few minutes. That is something you want the reader to do when reading works, so I applaud you.

I'm nt gonna b piss(ed)

I have a question about the use of the parenthesis. What does that do for the work? I see that this is a rhyming poem, however "wish" and "piss" (and "piss(ed)") don't rhyme. So, neither would help the flow of this poem.

(As I mentioned earlier, I am going to go into the texting part of the review.) If this is text, as I assume, then perhaps something like this could happen. Me: Drag me to hell To give a more chatty feel.

(Also, I'm not sure if you know this, but this is put in the Script section. I'm not sure if you meant that.)

Keep on writing!


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863 Reviews

Points: 29221
Reviews: 863

Tue Sep 02, 2014 3:20 pm
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Morrigan wrote a review...

Hello, miley. Welcome to YWS!

Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.

First of all, I found this almost unreadable. I understand that this is satire, but please try to use proper grammar in literary works, especially on this website. Many of our fellow users are not native English speakers, and it can be very difficult to read works written in chat speak. I'm a native English speaker and found this very hard to decipher. If we don't all adhere to some kind of mutual grammar and spelling rules, communication can be destroyed very easily.

Just for myself, I'm going to translate it into real English below in the spoiler so I can focus on content rather than slogging through chat speak.

Spoiler! :
Drag me to hell
because I know it very well.
That I'm not going to change.
N (?) You are no more in my range.
Ol (?) That now I know.
It's just a big no.
You can do as you wish;
I'm not going to be pissed.
Now that I have your attention,
let me give you a little tension.
Yes you, mister.
I'm talking to you, sister.
Now what I'm going to say
Don't get in wnd's (?) way.
For you'll get in big trouble,
and it's just a passing bubble.
And let me also tell you
you are off my mind
you are off my range
you are just off system.
Now nothing you do
can trlb (?) me
so if you want,
you can continue to haunt
N (?) of course if you want
drag me to hell
for I'm not going to change.

The first thing I noticed after I read this is that I have no idea what it's about, even after I can mostly read it all the way through without squinting at words and having to process them before I read them. Obviously, there is a narrator and an "other". However, I have no idea if the "you" is a singular person or a group of people. Also, calling the other person both "mister" and "sister" is confusing, though I might have translated "sinstr" incorrectly. The whole poem is talking about how this "you" is no longer a problem for the narrator, yet the narrator sounds angry. So is the poem a front that the narrator is putting up? If the narrator really didn't care about this other person, would they be talking about it as much?

That being considered, being dragged to hell is not what this poem is about, so I don't know why the poem is titled this, considering a poem should be titled something that reflects the theme of the entire poem rather than just one line of it.

Your rhyme scheme was forced throughout. A forced rhyme scheme mainly is seen when the author uses words in the poem solely to rhyme with each other that don't make sense. It also shows in awkward phrasing to get the rhyming word at the end of the line so it can rhyme with another one. Your poem shows both of these symptoms, and if the rhyme doesn't make sense, find another rhyme that does, or don't rhyme at all. In serious poetry, rhyming often takes away from the poem because it lends a lilting, lighthearted air to it, but in something like this, you probably don't want that.

I think you should talk more about the dynamic of the relationship between the narrator and this other. The poem is addressed to "you", but readers don't know anything about what is between the narrator and "you" because there is no information given on it. It would help the reader understand what is going on in the poem if you hinted at who "you" is to the narrator. Also, why is "you" being told to drag the narrator to hell? Is this "you" a judgmental person? If so, what are they judging the narrator for? Leaving the readers with questions is sometimes a good idea, but when they have too many, the reader loses interest because they know that none of their questions are answered.

Another thing-- what is this satire of? I can't even tell. Also, why is it under script when it should probably be in poetry? Satire can be very difficult to pull off, and at least with me, this piece didn't fulfill its purpose.

I hope that this review proves useful to you. Keep writing.

miley says...

thanks for your honest reply. i hope i can solve all your issuses with my upcoming work/

I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.
— Dr. Seuss