I waited but you never came
i stood there in the rain
but all went in vein
waiting for you in the cold night
with a heart full of fright
my tears stormed down my face
& heart beats started to race
you could'nt feel/see it 'coz of rain
my body soaked but you weren't there
i waited but you never came
my heart broke that night
but you never came
my memory weaked
my vision blacked
the past started to flash
the time when you were around
circling me like a marry go round!
i waited but you never came
my dreams got shattered
but you didn't care
you left me like a broken toy
whom you got off
I couldn't stnd there any more
yet my heart prayed for your
much awaited return
i still wait now
but this isn't for you
only for that time when
you realise your mistake
i now miss the part of me
that you took along
i hope you never feel the pain
i went through in that cold rain!!!!!
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
Hello, miley!
Raven here to review your poem! Now, this is better than the last poem! It's short and sweet, and the best part: it rhymes! Some people may not like rhyming poems, however I find them quite fun and (sometimes) it makes the song even better! So, I am glad that you could step out of the norm and write this!
Looking through the rest of this, I see that there is no capitalization. However, in the first line, it is started out with a capitalized "I." In my view (and you don't have to listen to me here) it has no meaning, what was the point of it? Maybe, to go with the rest, make it lower case. (Again, this one is just a suggestion.) Also, since this is a poem that rhymes, I find it odd that "came" does not rhyme with "rain" and "vein." Perhaps, add something in there that rhymes with it. Maybe: "The winds were not tame." Or "The winds shook my frame."
Correction: "vain."
Personally, I would spell out "and" instead of using an ampersand. To me, at least, it makes it look professional. Then, on the second line I recommend replacing "could'nt" with "couldn't" or "could not." It also appears as if the narrator is confused about whether the "you" could see or feel them. In my opinion, I feel like see should be used there.
Then, there's a part when the narrator breaks away from stanzas and decides to free style. I'm not sure how I feel about that. However, when that happens, things don't really rhyme, breaking away from that too.
This felt as if it was a letter someone sent to another person, talking about their heart being broken. The ending was sweet. The narrator wishing the person that they wouldn't feel the pain though:
I'd suggest taking away the exclamation marks.
Keep on writing! Keep me updated on your poems!
Rae,
hey Viv here. First off great poem. I'm going to just list the mistakes as I saw them then give the other stuff. One, all I's need to be capitalized. Two "vein" in this sense should be"vain". Three I'm pretty sure the word is blackened for "my vision blacked". Four "marry go round" should be "merry". Five "I couldn't stnd there any more" should be "I couldn't stand there anymore" (A completely common mistake especially when you're typing too fast).
Now then, despite all I put up there it was a great poem and the ending was really sweet. It showed the narrator really moved on and was forgiving, or forgiving enough to not wish that onto the other.
Hello, there! Because I don't have much experience with poetry, I'm afraid I'm only going to nitpick here.
Okay. So here's the list:
1. "you could'nt feel/see it 'coz of rain" It should be "you couldn't feel/see it 'coz of rain". Also, why did you choose to use the '/' and use "'coz"? This made the poem harder to read and kind of bulky and awkward.
2. Sometimes you capitalize 'I', sometimes you don't. Although it's a poem, you must stay consistent throughout, or it will become more confusing.
3. "circling me like a marry go round!" It should be "circling me like a merry-go-round!" This is also a strangely happy simile for a sorrowful poem like this.
4. "but all went in vein" Wrong kind of 'vein'. I think.
5. "& heart beats started to race" Why did you use "&" instead of "and"? This wasn't really necessary and took away from the flow of the poem.
6. Some of the formatting in this poem is distracting. Did you mean for the awkward spacing?
7. A lot of the rhyming here was awkward. Also, it doesn't sound as sad with rhyming. Did you really NEED to rhyme it?
8. "I couldn't stnd there any more" This should be "stand".
9. "whom you got off" It should be "who" and this is kind of weird (sorry, it just doesn't make sense).
10. "i went through in that cold rain!!!!!" Do you really need all these exclamation points? You should never use this many anyway, and it also takes away from the sorrowful aspect of your poem.
I'm sorry if this sounds like a lot. This is actually very good! Just remember to check your grammar.
Also, keep in mind that (except for the grammar errors) you really shouldn't just change what I tell you to! Express your creative freedom! Also, I apologize ahead of time for the grammatical errors I'm sure I made here.
Keep writing!
-IronSpark
A longer poem that I don't normally read, yet satisfying to do so. I like the message behind your piece and I'd like to see more from you later on, hopefully you can find an even better way of writing out a poem to further increase the joy of reading them.
Again, I hope to see more.
sorry, for the length. i just got in the flow... will keep it mind from now on.
glad you liked reading it.