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oh no!!!

by miley


Tick tok in the morning

When the clock strikes six

And you are still asleep

Then your mom yells wake up!

Hurry up! Hurry up!!

If no,

Then you are going to be late

Late! Oh no!!

You get up and do a rush

But are still late

Late! Oh no!!

Teacher yells, students hush,

Again late!

Oh no!!!

You moan and say won’t do again

But are still punished,

Oh no!!

Bell rings, your friends come

Laugh around, head down

Oh no!!

The worst is when he come(s)

And you get a frown

Oh no!!

Heart sinks, but he winks

You astonished, he noticed.

Oh yeah!

You take victory jump

And run away saying –

Oh yeah! Oh yeah!!


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52 Reviews


Points: 956
Reviews: 52

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Sun Sep 28, 2014 2:46 pm
yakitsa wrote a review...



Hey!
First things first, this poem was great, amazingly energetic and the ending cheered me up!
The start was okay, but what I liked was that it's short and repetitive exclamations actually kept me hooked and keen till the end.

I was wondering, the line-

Hurry up! Hurry up!!

If no, -

might have sounded better with 'If not' instead...

I think this poem was different from most poems I've read, but I loved it!

Keep writing!




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134 Reviews


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Reviews: 134

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Sat Sep 13, 2014 1:28 pm
DrFeelGood wrote a review...



Hi miley, Dr.FeelGood here to give you a quick review. Let's begin.

Cool! I really liked this. I didn't laugh for once but I was smiling while I was reading your poem.

Tick tok in the morning

When the clock strikes six

And you are still asleep

Then your mom yells wake up!


This wasn't an extraordinary start, but it was unique in its appeal. Exciting and refreshing at same time. It did manage to hook me.

Heart sinks, but he winks

You astonished, he noticed.

Oh yeah!

You take victory jump

And run away saying –

Oh yeah! Oh yeah!!


As much as I liked your first stanza, I found this quite repetitive. The exclamation marks didn't bother me but it felt you were repeating the same narrative style. However I must agree your poem was fresh in its appeal, easy to connect with and had a universal appeal to it. Added to it was exciting humor which held my attention throughout.

Overall this was a cute little poem with a nice humor and effortless narrative (which is rare because it wasn't lyrical) so kudos to you! Keep writing!




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233 Reviews


Points: 19633
Reviews: 233

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Sat Sep 13, 2014 1:27 pm
Cithara wrote a review...



Hey miley, I need to get back into the habit of reviewing ;)
So I felt this poem has a lot of potential, and I feel it should be broken up into different stanzas. There is a new thing happening every four lines, and that's the perfect place to create a new stanza. I'll go stanza by stanza and talk about what could be changed. And I’m not too keen on the double exclamation points. You said they were necessary, but I’m curious as to why they are. I know you probably have a good reason, so I would like to hear it.

Tick tok in the morning
When the clock strikes six
And you are still asleep
Then your mom yells wake up!
Hurry up! Hurry up!!

Few things here. First off, tok should be “tock.” Second, the lack of punctuation makes everything more jumbled up and confusing. I’m not too fond of that here, so I think you should add more commas. The tick tock could also be in italics, since it’s more of a sound. But that’s up to you. Plus, when the mom is saying “Wake up!” there should be appropriate punctuation, or if you don’t want that, you can put it in italics. The enjambment here doesn’t look appropriate, so I think taking the “and” out would read the stanza better. So the stanza could look like this:
Tick tock in the morning,
When the clock strikes six
You are still asleep.
Then your mom yells Wake up!
Hurry, hurry up!

Only suggestions, however.
If no,
Then you are going to be late
Late! Oh no!!
You get up and do a rush
But are still late
Late! Oh no!!

I think a lot could be worked on here. “If no” doesn’t seem grammatically correct. Yes, poetry doesn’t always have to be grammatically correct, but I think “If not” works better here. The “Oh no” is cute, but the double exclamation could easily be avoided with the same idea still there. I feel that the “If not ,you are going to be late,” is said by the mother. If this is the case, it should be in italics or quotes so we understand the difference between the narrator and the mother’s dialogue. The “Late! Oh no!!” seems to come from the narrator, so that could be left normal. That way people won’t be confused why “late “ is being repeated twice. Now as for the “do a rush” bit, I think you could be more descriptive. How do they rush? Where do they rush to? Why is this person still late? It’s all very vague and I think could be worked on. So the revised stanza:
If not,
Then you are going to be late.

Late? Oh no!
You get up and attempt to rush,
But you’re still late.
Late? Oh no!”

Teacher yells, students hush,
Again late!
Oh no!!!

Hmm, there’s definitely more that could be added here. Again late could be “Late again? Oh no!” It’s just, this repetition could be used in a better way. The teacher is yelling at the student for being late? Make us feel that. Describe that anger and annoyance. Show don’t tell. You can still do that in this kind of poem.
You moan and say won’t do again
But are still punished,
Oh no!!

“You moan and say It won’t happen again” or something like that, could be put in instead. And the lack of subject in some of these lines also takes away from the poem. “But ar still punished” could sound better as “But you are still punished.”
Bell rings, your friends come
Laugh around, head down
Oh no!!

Hmm, I dunno why, but the lack of articles bugs me here. The bell rings…Also, who is laughing around and heading down? The friends? You? Both you and the friends? To me laughing and stuff doesn’t seem bad. So why would the speaker say “Oh no”? It’s just something I’m sure you could clarify.
The worst is when he come(s)
And you get a frown
Oh no!!

I’m confused as to why you put (s) after “come.” It’s clear the word should be “comes.” But I guess that’s not a big problem or anything. Aww why did he give the narrator a frown?? [img]
I think here, since it’s kind of sad, I would put “Oh no” instead of “Oh no!!” because obviously the speaker has feelings for this boy, and she would be more disheartened than exclaiming her surprise. Just a suggestion, it’s not necessary.
Heart sinks, but he winks
You astonished, he noticed.
Oh yeah!

Ahh yay! This turns out to be happy :D The Oh Yeah feels right here. So that’s good :)
You take victory jump
And run away saying –
Oh yeah! Oh yeah!!

Hmm, the ending is cute, but I think you could take out some of the exclamation. And perhaps make the “Oh yeah” in italics, since it’s being said.
Sorry for the long review! But there’s just a lot that could be worked on, which is good! A good writer has to make many revisions before they are satisfied with their piece. Of course, if you don’t want to make any of the changes I’ve suggested, that’s fine. Writers should write for themselves, but I think you could alter a few things here and there. Definitely go over your punctuation. This actually seems more like prose than poetry, since you’re writing complete sentences with a story line. That being said, I would follow the grammar and punctuation rules, but that’s entirely up to you. Also the descriptions are very vague and I think you could work more on showing us what is happening. How does the speaker rush? How does the teacher yell? Etc., etc. Just things you should keep in mind. I don’t think your intention here was to give us a deep feeling (if it was, please correct me) so you don’t have to go super descriptive on us. But be aware of changes you can make that can spice up your poem and make it more interesting :D :D
I hope you work with this more and continue writing! I’d be interested to see what else you have written!
~Thewriter13




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Sat Sep 13, 2014 12:08 pm
Harker wrote a review...



Hello there! I'm just gonna nitpick a bit, so bear with me. Sorry if some of these are out of order. Okay, here we go...

1. "Tick tok in the morning" This should be, "Tick-tock in the morning". Also, "Tick tok in the morning" sounds kind of awkward. Maybe write something about the clock that the "tick-tock" sound was coming from.

2. "Then your mom yells wake up!" Maybe add punctuation/a line break between "yells" and "wake up"?

3. The phrase, "But are still late" is kind of awkward. You could make it less by adding some sort of punctuation to the line above.

4. "You moan and say won’t do again", also awkward. I understand you had to fit the syllables in, but you can't just cut out a word... :/

5. "Teacher yells, students hush," You finally use punctuation at the line break... but it's one of the only times you do so. Also, does the teacher reprimand or actually yell? I'm pretty sure it's the former.

6. "But are still punished," This line is awkward too. Maybe change the line above?

7. "Laugh around, head down" Are YOU laughing? Is YOUR head down? You can't be doing both. If you want to say that around you, people/your friends were laughing, try, "Laughs around, my head down".

8. "The worst is when he come(s)" Who is he? I assume he's the narrator's love interest?

9. "And you get a frown" He frowns... then winks?

10. "Heart sinks, but he winks" Maybe: "Heart sinks... but then, he winks!"

11. "You astonished, he noticed." Should be, "You're astonished, he noticed."

12. "You take victory jump" Does he walk away? I feel like the girl shouldn't be jumping for joy in front of her crush.

13. "And run away saying –" Run away from her love interest?

It's unlucky to have only thirteen nitpicks, so...

14. Your writing is amazing, keep working at it! :D

-IronSpark





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