z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

Soul's Decay : Prologue

by mephistophelesangel


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

Prologue

799

Two pair of animal paws tore through the dark forest in a hurry. The moon was a silver, divine plate above everything, seemingly giving the beast a warning that couldn’t be defined. It almost seemed eerie, almost. The air was cold, and far-away cries of the birds of prey were the only thing that disturbed the beast’s sharp ears that no other animal in the forest had. The sky was starless, a pleasant midnight blue, turning darker as it crept toward the horizon. Wind howled and pushed against the trees, stark against the shadows of the night.

A flash of gold awoke a small rodent in its dreamless sleep, and the beast only saw the small, weak animal’s eyes widen like a deer caught in the headlights before it whistled past. The animal had heard the predator’s almost silent footsteps just before it came, yet the mere presence of it frightened the rodent more than it should have. If any veterinarian came upon the poor, frozen animal, they would have seen the fear in its eyes, the ice that froze over its orbs, screaming at any living creature ; Turn around, run like an axe murder is after you, and don’t ever look back.

Golden fur rippled like water, briefly highlighted by the moonlight, and showed off its perfectly conditioned, silky strands. The beast could have been easily mistaken as a dog that had been well-cared for its whole entire life. It leaped gracefully to the side and avoided a tree, not even out of breath. ‘Excited’ would describe how it felt, for it could sense a new destination not far away from it. Only one more, the beast thought gleefully, and I will be even closer to my goal. The beast’s brain, far more intelligent from any mundane ones, calculated the distance from its target and formulated a plan.

After a while of running, oh-ever-so-softly, the beast came to an abrupt halt and sniffed the air. He could smell dogs, and humans. Not any kind of them, but hunting dogs and hunters. The beast shifted his trail to the south, growling in discomfort. He absolutely despised those kins of any living creature, mainly because of his old, drilled-in nature. When the disgusting smell faded away, he continued upon his journey.

The beast could see his prey’s small, first-story house, built out of forest wood, surrounded by dark trees, almost like a cocoon. The lights were on, and they lighted up the area around the tightly-shut and locked windows. The beast stalked the house behind a particularly large tree trunk, cut off about two meters above the ground, and studied the human figures that rushed around in the house, along with warm smell of cheese and pasta. Laughters could be heard, and he picked up Angelica Grossi’s teasing voice almost immediately. She was home. Good.

As time started to pass, the beast became impatient with waiting for the mortal to step outside. He growled under his breath in annoyance, and narrowed his bright, silver eyes, focusing. He had to get this one right, or everything he did until now would be deemed useless, and he would have to leave with a dozen police cars on his tails. A soft glow started to cover his body, the exact color of his fur, and he let his teeth gleam as he grinned widely.

A rather short, chestnut-brown haired teenage boy knocked on the door of a wooden house loudly, looking relaxed as if he had all the time in the world, contrary to his true inner side. His dark, forest green eyes were gleaming with an emotion that was, with no doubt, happiness, although the reason was left unknown. A red bird let out an eerie cry on one of the branches of the trees, its beady eyes studying the boy with malice that didn’t fit for a pretty, little bird. The boy ignored the small disturbance, but after a second thought, spared a little of his time to glare at the bird. It flinched, and fluttered away hurriedly under his angry gaze.

After the bird left along with the ecstatic sound of its beating wings, the boy waited patiently in front of the door, tapping his foot on the grassy ground, and gleefully listened to his girlfriend fumbling with the door lock. Finally, the girl, Angelica, threw the door open with a stupid grin on her face.

“Jack! You came!”

She exclaimed, throwing her arms around Jack, and kissed him with passion. Jack hugged her back, and grinned, although his mind was wandering somewhere else other than the hot, asian girl kissing him. Well, it was on her, but doing something else with her other than hugging and snuggling.

“Of course I did, Ange. I couldn’t miss your family meal, could I?”

Jack laughed, and kissed her one more time before letting her lead him into the house. His excitement grew even more as the door shut behind him. As the couple walked deeper into the cozy house, the air smelling pleasantly like mac ’n’ cheese, Angelica suddenly glanced back at her boyfriend, a mild confusion etched onto her forehead. She stopped in the middle of a small step.

“You know, Jack, you look a lot like a… fox.. today. Like, I know that probably sounds weird, but you really do. Your facial features, I mean.”

“Really?”

Clever girl. Jack growled in the back of his mind, but put on a goofy smile on his face. Angelica still studied his face with doubt, her almond-shaped eyes nearly narrowed in suspicion. Jack struggled not to growl at her, and kissed her again to ease the tension between them. Angelica was hesitant at first, but she soon melted into the kiss. Jack grinned at her again after he pulled away - slowly, romantically, not to ruin anything important.

“You must have mistaken. Or, who knows, I always looked like a fox but you never really noticed, because you were so lovesick with me?”

Angelica punched him in the arm playfully, giggling, and continued walking. Jack bit back a sigh of relief, and followed his girlfriend, laughing along. At least he wouldn’t have to put up with this girl much longer. But, that didn't mean that he couldn’t have some fun before he got it over with. Yes, a whole lot of fun.


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Points: 17243
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Sun Jan 26, 2014 3:40 am
deleted30 wrote a review...



Hi there! Lucrezia here for a review.

This was awesome! Your details and descriptions were spot-on, absolutely flawless. The pacing was great. Your MC is very intriguing, and I'll be interested to find out more about him.

There's really nothing I can nitpick about the overall story. It's far too good. So, technical stuff:

seemingly giving the beast a warning that couldn’t be defined. It almost seemed eerie, almost.


"Seemed/seemingly" is a bit overused here.

they would have seen the fear in its eyes, the ice that froze over its orbs, screaming at any living creature ; Turn around, run like an axe murder is after you, and don’t ever look back.


No need for the spaces before and after the semicolon. Also, I'd change it to a colon instead.

somewhere else other than the hot, asian girl


I believe "Asian" should begin with a capitalized A.

Other than that, great job on this! It held my interest and the details were just so additive and perfectly written. Well done and keep writing! :D




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Sun Dec 29, 2013 11:43 am
lostthought wrote a review...



Hey there! Here to review. Also happy review day! First off, I didn't see anything wrong with it. No misspelled words, punctuation is correct, grammar was impeccable, and everything that needs to be capitalized is capitalized.

Is he really going to kill his girlfriend? That would be cruel. It's weird because I thought he was a wolf so he should have wolf-like features instead of fox-like features. If he had fox-like features he would be a fox. Poor girl, her life may end by the one she loves. Can't wait to read! Keep writing!

~lost




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332 Reviews


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Sun Dec 29, 2013 6:30 am
Blackwood wrote a review...



Nice description to begin with. Your second word has a typo. It should be pairs not pair.

The moon was a silver, divine plate above everything, seemingly giving the beast a warning that couldn’t be defined. It almost seemed eerie, almost.

Here you are being far to vague in general. Look at all those words you use. Its like you are saying it is but its sort of not but sort of is just almost is because it seems that way. Do you get what I mean?

"small rodent from its dreamless sleep"

again

"predator’s almost silent footsteps ,"

His dark, forest green eyes
This sounds very amateurish- cliché sentence. Try describing his eyes in another way or Just having a simple description ie: His dark eyes; his green eyes; his forest eyes.

I see this as a start, but I don't think it is exceptionally written. I see a lot of awkward phrasings, and many wordings which would be improved to me more immersing.






Thank you! I could learn a lot of things from review, and I will work even harder to make my writing better.



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Sun Dec 22, 2013 7:32 am
ImYourOpheliac says...



I really enjoyed this <3 ;)




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Thu Dec 19, 2013 2:26 am
cha3739 wrote a review...



Hi, Mephistolesangel :)
Okay this seems like a really intriguing story because it's NOT looking like another paranormal romance. I really hope that's not what it will end up to be at least. Romance isn't bad but when the plot is centered on a relationship, it drastically drags the writing quality down. I'm curious to see what this turns out to be, though.

It is very well-written, save for a few small things here and there that I would tweak but aren't necessities. For example:
"It almost seemed eerie, almost." I would change that comma to a dash to create that pause in the reader's thinking.
Also, "You must have mistaken." should be either "You must have me mistaken." or "You must have mistaken me." But right now it's not right.

Other than those things you've done really good work here and I'm excited to see what you do next. I love your descriptions, especially in the first few paragraphs. I could feel the kind of dark vibe already. I'll definitely be following this. Hope to see more from you!





See, we could have been called The Shoes.
— Paul McCartney