It was dark when you weren't here,
With not thou, 'here' was no where.
Space and time, life and love,
You created it all with one move.
Sun and moon, stars all bright,
Sea and falls, rivers all deep,
Darkness gone with your light,
Thou made us and gave us hope.
I see your face in my neighbour's eye,
I see your worry in my neighbour's cry.
You gave me your heart and breadth,
To help my fellow men gain thy faith.
You sent your only son, your better half,
To redeem us all from the devil's cuffs.
You let him die at the hands of the human race,
But on the third day he rose again leaving your trace.
None knows the start of your creation,
Thus, I say it has no end.
But I know its reason, which is love,
A love never ending. Your CREATION IS LOVE..
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125,016 Literary Works • 672,851 Reviews
I personally loved your essay. I enjoyed the word play and how you managed to make your poem flow just enough to keep your audience interested. I also commend you on making a poem that doesn't stretch too long. Often on this website the authors may accidentally get a little too invested in their work and may stretch the poem to lengths that may scare the readers away. Anyways keep up the good work!
Thank you : )
Hi there!
So this started out with a fair amount of potential, but you tossed in elements that I think, instead of intently and purposefully lining up with your vision for the piece, just jutted into your mind and landed on the paper.
My first example is the use of language such as Thy and Thus, which respectively makes the sequence sound like a dry sermon and academic paper. Figure out your language style--if you want to sound dry and sermonesque, then that's fine by your author's intent--though not fine by my tastes--and if you want to sound like an academic paper that's fine by your intent, but not by my tastes. But really the best course of action is to follow the lowest common denominator.
Second, you stop talking about creation and go into the cliche form of any religious poem where you mention one act of God and then follow it by "and also Jesus Jesus Jesus." You were doing well until you got off-topic, so I'd prefer to see you get back to that point, so my suggestion is to cut the Jesus portion out. It's a tangent that serves the piece no justice.
I hope this helps,
Ty
Thank you for your comments : )