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death came slow

by mellifera

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109 Reviews

Points: 11267
Reviews: 109

Sun Jun 16, 2019 3:42 pm
silvermoon17 wrote a review...

It’s probably not your fault.. but gosh the police is horrible! The words look so blurry and bland and grey. It really gets you out of the whole point of your poem. Anyways. I like the way you made Death appear as a wise, misunderstood thing. I personally like (I am the bridge, not the destination) part. It really makes us rEeL. Actually, after reading this; the letters are not such a horrible style after all. I just don’t understand the last part. I guess she’s the dead relative, and this is supposedly a twist. If you really wanted a twist, you probably should’ve done something like we think it’s someone else’s death while actually it’s the protagonist all along. Lame, yes; but a much more effective twist if you make it work. I like the fact it’s short as well well.

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423 Reviews

Points: 215
Reviews: 423

Sun May 26, 2019 2:37 pm
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Vervain wrote a review...

Hi Mell! I haven't touched poetry in a while, but I liked the look of this, so I'm coming in for a review! Apologies if I'm a bit rusty.

I really enjoy how this portrays Death. It's one of the calmer renditions, which is relaxing to see in a century (or two centuries) that seems to be prone to violent deaths, and blaming Death as a character instead of accepting its inevitability. I really enjoy works like this that don't claim to know the afterlife, nor explain it, but simply connect it to our everyday life in trying times. This poem makes me feel relaxed and willing to treat with Death, which I suppose is the best one of us desperate walking monkey things can hope for in our lifetimes.

While I really enjoy the vibe and the tone of the poem, I feel like some of the flow is disrupted by a strong use of punctuation. Usually I don't complain about that. That's weird.

But more or less all of your lines end with some kind of punctuation. While it makes sense grammatically, part of me wishes there was less of a pause between lines like ""what is on the other side?" I asked,/but Death only smiled[.]"

The punctuation kind of brings me out of the scene, I guess, and makes me think a lot about the actual words I'm reading. All of your punctuation is grammatical, there's just a lot of it, and it seems to end almost every line. The reader doesn't get a break when it's [line] comma, [line] semicolon, [line] period. It's a lot to parse, and while I don't feel like it's a problem-problem, it definitely broke up the flow of the poem a bit for me.

I really enjoy this though, and you've definitely painted a poignant scene with one of my favorite embodiments of Death in the modern era. Keep writing!

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8 Reviews

Points: 369
Reviews: 8

Thu May 16, 2019 9:19 pm
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BailorAsh wrote a review...

This is beautiful. Absolutely stunning. The word choice was amazing and the imagery was just... beautiful. That's how I'm going to start this review.

I love reading personifications of Death, mostly because I also enjoy writing Death as a character, and so I like seeing how other people do it. This piece is interesting, because Death is displayed as a sort of cryptic, but wise character. I enjoy this version of Death because they do not seem cruel. My criticism of the piece would be that I don't quite get the ending - I think I do, but I can't say for sure. In poetry, it's good to keep things shorter and focus on description, which you nailed. Your word choice is perfect. One of the best lines is the first:

"what a gluttonous beast,
always consuming, always butchering," I said.

It draws the reader in and shows in very few words the protagonist's view of Death, which I enjoyed. Overall this was beautifully written. I actually cried when I got to the end, so in my opinion, you've written a successful poem. Poetry is about getting your readers to feel something.


Look closely. The beautiful may be small.
— Immanuel Kant, Philosopher