The Good Old Days

Hmmm... I see this as too traditional YET very nice...

meggwriting wrote:Remember the days,
when we would dress up for fun,
And when we would hold hands,
With everyone.

The days when life was simple and fun,
When everyone loved and everyone hugged,
When everyone wiped away everyone's tears,
When others were hurt we didn't just shrug.

When everyone smiled all of the time,
When everyone prayed,
When everyone shared,
And everyone played.

The good times we had,
The laughs and tears that were shed,
The shoulders we cried on,
The fairytales we read.

What happened to those days?
The fun good old times.
What happened to the love and hope,
What has happened to our minds.

Now life is all about sex, moneys, boys,
Cars, who looks the best, how skinny you are,
And who's the most pouplar,
And who gets the drunkest at the bar.

It's so stupid,
How everything changed,
I hate what has happened,
I miss the good old days.

Hey megg,

You're right: this is pretty damn corny. The good old days is a really good idea for a poem, but you haven't really told us what was so good about those days. There's barely any details of what was so good about them! You just keep telling us, rather than showing us through anecdotes, metaphors or anything really. Yes, you played, shared, laughed and cried? But over what? And where? Why don't you describe more about those times?

Otherwise the reader really can't engage with this at all.

hi megg, welcome to YWS. i'll be your reviewer today.

well first off, i would say: do not use so much of the word 'fun' in the poem, i know this is what the narrator wants to get back, but you may be able to find a stronger word that would be better for the line. but thats about all i can come up with that you could change. there are a few other parts you could maybe tweak, but that will come with practice.

on the whole, the poem was really good, i especially liked the ending, that was the best part for me. it ryhmed perfectly, all the syllables were perfect, it summed up the whole poem. it was a really good ending.

a really good start, keep it up.
thatboy

Hey. Welcome to YWS. I thought that this was great. It was powerful and the message was clear. I thought it had a very good flow, which doesn't happen much for first time writing. (Unless of course this isn't, in which case, my bad.) I didn't really pick up on anything that needs to be changed or fixed that Fiction didn't pick up. This was a really good poem.

Welcome to YWS. I hope that you like the web site. You're right, some parts of the poem are corny but, I wouldn't throw it out. Isn't this

When everyone wiped away everyone's tears,

The shoulders we cried on

The shoulders we cried on,
The fairy tales we read.