Ding. "Welcome to Arcadia Airways. My name is Vanessa Rich and I'll be your pilot for this evening. We will be expecting some turbulence in the cloudy skies. If you have any requests or discomforts we insist on asking a flight attendant who will do their best to meet your needs. Here at Arcadia we want to make your final flight a smooth one."
"Excuse me, sir." I look up from my uncomfortable, small seat into the blue eyes of a woman. Her voice is honeyed and her smile is big and white, "Chicken or pasta?"
I raise an eyebrow and think for a few seconds. The question seems odd to me but as I look around the aircraft I noticed trays of dinner in front of fellow passengers. "Um, pasta."
Her smile widens, "Excellent choice." Then she looks over to Jupiter who is eagerly waiting for the attention of the stewardess with her little polka dot covered legs bouncing, "What about you, little one? Chicken nuggets or spaghetti?"
Jupiter looks over to me for me approval. "Go on," I smile with encouragement.
She glances back at the flight attendant and tilts her head, "Chicken nuggets."
"Marvelous decision," the stewardess winks. Jupiter beams with pride.
I look down at my fresh tray of food. A small aluminium package steaming with warm pasta. A hard, cold bun sealed in plastic. A tiny salad filled with greens, carrots, and croutons. I notice the lack of tomatoes and try to remember their tastes. The way they exploded in my mouth when my teeth chomped on them. I wonder if they figured out how to grow tomatoes on Mars.
I smile when I see the red leaf on my water bottle. It reminds me of my mother nation; of the simpler times, when we lived in small houses on the prairies and loved neighbors as family. The blanket of snow that covered the earth in winter. The golden, red leaves that littered the grounds in fall. The flowers the sprung up in spring. And the cool lakes we swam in in summer.
I look over to my left once again and pat little Jupiter's head. She snorts like a piglet and peeks open a hazelnut eye. "Go to sleep, Piggy," I murmur and stroke her rosy cheek.
She yawns, "It'll be alright, Papa."
I smile sorrowfully, "I know." I should be the one telling you that.
Suddenly she sits upright, her eyes are wide. "Why wouldn't it? We're going to the sky! And we'll get see Mama and Gregory and Lucy and Grandmama and Grandpapa and even Mr. Metly!" Jupiter giggled with a childlike excitement. "Oh, how I miss them," she sighed.
I found myself unable to speak as my lips quivered into a frown so instead I swallowed the lump in my throat and stroked Jupiter's little blonde head. The hum of the aircraft jets and cloudy atmosphere filling my ears.
“Go to sleep, Piglet.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,796 Reviews
Writing about a flight while being in a flight yourself. That's meta af mang.
Hi marms, it's me outvaders. I bumped into this work of yours as I was looking for some stories to review. It's pretty short too, so I couldn't see why not. Let's get right into the beef.
The story starts off with a ding and the pilot's welcome. So far so good. Then in the next paragraph, without any transitional devices, there is the flight attendant asking for what our main man wants. That's the first mistake of this short. Due to the absence of transitional devices (like "a few minutes later"), it makes it seem that the second paragraph happened right after the events of the first, and if it is taken at face value, then it wouldn't make sense.
The events of the first paragraph must have taken place after or while the passengers boarded, because it wouldn't make sense to not greet the passengers after or while they board. After that, the attendants would demonstrate the safety features of the aircraft, and then they would check if all cabins are shut and all seatbelts are fastened, before letting the aircraft take off. After that point, they can finally serve the food. That's the route that would make most sense. That's why if someone were to take the first two paragraphs as they are, they wouldn't be believable. You can solve this by filling in the missing parts of the process, or adding transitional devices to these paragraphs.
While I'm still in the first paragraphs, I'd like to say that the "final flight" thing kinda feels out of place. It gives off a feeling like the grim reaper's piloting the aircraft, but death doesn't really feel imminent throughout the story. It doesn't feel like it serves any purpose.
Those are the nitpicks I'm willing to write. Let's move on to the main beefs.
I agree with Ink when she said that this story lacks a conflict. What's the conflict of the story? is what's running in my head right now. I mean, the main man seems a little troubled, but why? I'm scanning the story again and again, I'm scouring the other reviews too, but I can't see why the guy's so sad. Because of that, the story fails in making me sympathize with the main man, as well as in its greater purpose of evoking emotion in me. The only emotions that it evoked in me after several rereads is apathy and confusion.
Another effect of this is that the last line of this flash fiction -- which I like to call the "killer clincher" -- falls flat. It doesn't mean anything because we don't know what are behind those words. It's a shame, really. The killer clincher is the part that ends the flash fiction in a memorable fashion, making it resonate with the reader the most even after reading. Unfortunately, it ain't the case here.
The last major complaint I have is the lack of sci-fi in this short story. This story was categorized as a "Science Fiction, Culture" but I don't see much sci-fi in there. Yes, there is the "growing tomatoes on Mars" thing, which is sci-fi, but everything else about the story isn't. They're travelling in an aircraft that seems like an ordinary earthling aircraft, they're eating ordinary earthling food, and the entire plotline seems like it could also happen in an ordinary, earthling, non-sci-fi setting. Please, if you're gonna make it sci-fi, make it mean something here, make it impact the story in ways that other genres cannot imitate.
And that's the end of the review. Overall, this story isn't too solid. However, I understand that it might be because you wrote this in a time and place that might not be the most comfortable. At 3AM in the morning at the last day of camp, I tried to write a flash fiction about some guy running to a toilet to pee, before I posted it here. Nobody liked it. You could have taken some time to revise this though. I've ran out of things to say, so I'm gonna move out now.
Have a nice day.
-outvaders
Hey marms! I'm just dropping by for a quick review!
So this is a lovely little story here, about a father and a daughter who's riding a plane for some reason. I suppose they're from Mars! So I really like the way the father cares for his daughter, and especially the pet nickname. The food was a nice plus too ^_^
Nitpicks:
I think "noticed" should be "notice" (tense swaps). I'm also confused as to why that question is strange?
"giggled" should be "giggles" since I assume you're aiming for present tense.
This sentence is entirely past tense and I suggest converting to present
I agree with MJ that there's a lack of information here that can help us understand and appreciate the story. Though too much exposition is dull, I feel as if this could do with a little exposition or some explanation of what's going on. The father isn't very joyful but his daughter is...and why he's feeling that way? We don't feel really rooted in the story because of that. So I was looking for why this isn't ordinary and then...it just ended.
This also feels as if it's lacking in a conflict. While I see a lot of potential in the possible situation of the father and daughter, this story barely shows it. I don't even know what's the conflict really. If this is flash fiction, the conflict thing might not still apply. Because of the reasons above, though, I find that this story is lovely--but it's not something I really "connect" to.
I liked the character development of the father and daughter. The father's flashbacks kind of build up to who he is, and the girl is really innocent and naive. The pet name "Piglet" also really shows how close they are, too!
That's all I've got to talk about this. PM me if you have any questions, and I hope you have a great day!
thanks c:
Hey there,
There should be a comma after 'me', and in some other cases it is an adjective phrase. Whenever you have an independent clause (a sentence that can stand on its own) and then follow it with a dependent clause (a sentence that is lacking either a subject or a verb and cannot stand on its own), you need to put a comma between them. Here's another example:MJ dropping by for a quick review. Since this is a short piece, I'll give you a short review
So one thing you erred on a lot is commas. Here's an example:
"I shook hands with the pastor who had invited us to his house for dinner." The first section- I shook hands with the pastor- is an independent clause, since it has a subject (I) and a verb (shook). The second section- who had invited us to his house for dinner- is a dependent clause since it cannot stand on its own. Therefore, they need to be separated with a comma.
I felt that the reader didn't quite have enough information to make it through the story. It wasn't introduced until later that this was different than an ordinary flight, and I was also unsure exactly where they were going and the exact reason, besides the memories associated with this place, that provoked this man's emotions. While we don't need all the backstory, a little more information would have helped in this case.
Overall, I thought this was a pretty unique snippet of a story, and it had a nice conclusion that seemed to wrap it up, even though there was still action left to unfold. I also liked the homesickness that the MC felt, and his little flashback was well done and helped explain and defend his homesickness. I thought Jupiter/Piglet helped to humanize the character and show them as a family with human emotions and experiences. If you have any questions, you know where to find me
Best wishes,
MJ
Thanks