When my heart aches for your contagious laughter,
And the void in my chest is as deep as the sky is tall,
I cast my eyes towards your airy abode–
The better place they say you've escaped to.
It is argued that the grass is greener on the other side,
That the sun tends to shine a little brighter.
Yet you're buried here on this barren hill,
Under a sky as black as your father's tie,
And as dark as the mascara streaked down your mother's cheeks.
The preacher man lifts his arms towards the heavens,
Promising you will find your home amongst the clouds.
But I can't feel your presence in the sky today,
And you were never fond of heights.
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140,229 Literary Works • 673,048 Reviews
Interesting... and sad. I'd say equally so.
.Through reading this, I interpreted your work as someone who is missing another who is recently deceased. You assume their in heaven, yet the irony lies in their fear of heights. I am unsure why it's called "Hellbound" but it could be because the loved one is now in the ground? I'm unsure. Anyways, I thought there were some interesting descriptions. I especially liked
I think you have some great potential here. This is just a suggestion but a punctuation is not needed at the end of every sentence. You can be artistic about it and only add a comma where you want a pause (or to fulfill a grammar rule) or only add a period when you want to end the sentence firmly and with conviction. This is poetry. You can bend the rules. With that said, some of the lines were odd with commas towards the endings. I would completely cut out the word "but" in the line
I would edit it as and change the next line as well to:
Other than that, I enjoyed reading. Nicely done.
Best wishes,
Em
I would try to explain why it is titled Hellbound, but I feel as though it would defeat the purpose...the conjunctions in the last two lines are used to show the contradiction the the pastor's statement...as for punctuation, it is still something I am experimenting with. I have only written a handful of poems! Thanks for the advice.
I must say that I have never been able to find a well written piece of poetry, over this particular subject. However, I'm quite impressed with your writing style and wording choice, when you combine the two aspects, it makes the poem come together. I honestly, felt like I was in there, on top of a hill standing over an unmarked grave right after a funeral. The only thing that I would have changed, is making sure that all the verbs and adverbs are written in the same tense. For example at one point, you wrote, mascara streaked, which is past tense. Unlike the rest of the poem. I have to give this particular piece a 10 because of the way it flows, and because of the rarity of well written works on this subject.
It reminds me of Edgar Allan Poe ~The Truth
I had just noticed the awkward shift in verb tenses right as you must have been writing this review...I made some changes and I like the outcome much better (that is the second time I have edited this piece since posting this!) Thank you so much for your review and advice...I really do appreciate it!