"I love you just the way you are" he assured her.
So she dared not cut her long wavy locks, the ones he so often admired as he twirled them around his fingers, though she longed to chop it all off.
She did not wear the flowing skirts, the ones he labeled as "hippie clothes,"
though her heart desired to twirl in dizzy circles as the fabric billowed around her.
She refused to gain a pound, not even an ounce, in fear that he'd no longer be enamored by her delicate build–that he'd never again kiss the outline of her collar bone or caress the inside of her thigh, though her flat belly ached with hunger.
She rejected change. She became allergic to the idea of it–nauseated by the fear of abandonment. She, a caterpillar, a creature on the verge of transformation, became dependent on the cocoon of his approval, the solace of his affection, the certainty of his promise. The fibers that were meant to cradle her as she grew and transformed began to suppress her. Her refuge became a restraint.
She gazed down at her lap, hiding the remorse that was visible in her eyes.
"I know."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hi! CHRISSY here with a review!
*Happy Review day!*
This was beautiful! So sad! I feel bad for this girl- but I can relate! It is sad that she can not be herself! I think that we all feel this we- about fitting in with society, to just be accepted by the ones we love. I love this idea, so my hat is off to you!
I feel that there really is not too much to fix!
The detail is incredible! How the fibers cradle her in the last big paragraph! I think that This is effect the way it is! The is truly, amazing- and one of a kind!
Keep writing- you are great at it! I cannot wait to read more!
*Happy Review day!*
The comparison of the girl's situation to the butterfly is something worthy of credit and appreciation. They way you have described her starving herself indirectly is very intelligent. her emotions are visible through the words, it's as if the words are her savior. Use of paragraphs is also very much appreciated, and the whole concept of this is truly amazing.
Love, Bhoomi
Magnificent! This was very well written! I especially liked the lines "She, a caterpillar. .. " and "hiding the remorse. . ." Also, the connection from the last tine to the first line was well done.
You could consider changing the line, "She did not wear the flowing skirts, the ones he labeled as 'hippie skirts.'" You say skirts twice in the same sentence so saying hippie crap or clothes would work.
Anyway, great job, keep writing!
Heyyo madisonfrevert! I'm here to review your work.
Before I begin, I would have to say this is more of an extremely short story than a poem. If you were to turn this into one, it would have to be written in lines not paragraphs. However, I feel that if you do put it into lines, it would no longer have the impact that it creates as the reader's eye's flow onto the next line.
I really enjoyed reading this. You created an innocent tension as the reader learns about the girl still falling under the power of man even though our society is getting less and less sexist. The idea that you use such a tossed off phrase and make it mean a lot more, influences the reader as you zoom into the details. The condition that she is in suggests that she is trapped by both the media and the words he says. I like how the reader knows that the boy is just saying an innocent phrase to make her happy; unaware of what prevents her from freedom of life.
I like the choice in title. A butterfly loses its wings is perfect for this little piece. Many relate to butterflies being beautiful yet frail - this connects with the girl as she tries to stay beautiful but at the same time she collapses with the condition of being weak. By saying that the butterfly looses its wings, the reader can imagine the wings as a representation of free will; an example of this is the american eagle which spreads out its wings to show how free it is. Loss of the wings means that she is trapped in a cage of expectations. Even her own mind closes in on her as it taunts her with harsh thoughts and conditions if she does not obey. From this, one can then picture this girl being a symbol of a growing mass of girls who all starve,harm and hate themselves due to the claws of social media that grab and drag them into an unsuspecting whirlwind of problems. Maybe you could do an alternate version about how boys too are effected by social media and their expectations.
You hit the reader hard in the 4th and 5th paragraph as you describe this bony, starving girl who is afraid of changing as she cant imagine loosing this boy. You successfully make the reader feel bad for this poor girl as she can't do what she wants without doing something she thinks is wrong. The idea of perfection overwhelms her.
Overall this was an excellent first work! A warm welcome to YWS ^-^
That's all from me,
keep writing,
Godly