Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
transcript:
i feign your hopes
so you can scatter my dreams
down with the soap
the silver gleams
the strands go snapping
one by one
this is happening
as i lose someone
who that could be
i no longer know
i scatter my dreams
swirling in soap
drip drip
into the muddy water
snip snip
as my knees totter
so here i stand cutting away
as your pride clogs the drain
needles prick the neck you choke
my heart a shaking cage
you make me wish i never woke
why do you pour your rage?
curling down my legs
inky dark snakes
falling brown threads
making their way
the white tile darkened
patches all around
i make my mark and
stare at the ground
drip drip
into the bloody water
snip snip
was i ever your daughter?
i cut… i cut… i cut away
as my trust goes down the drain
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140,121 Literary Works • 673,028 Reviews
no reviews? ;_;
@creaturefeature
I still think about this poem all the time <3
I hope you're doing well!
so kind!!! <333 all the best to you too :3
Hiiiii luxeterna! First off, I love your avatar!!!! So cute <3 <3
and .Let's get into the review. What's good here? A LOT! I love the imagery and symbolism. The use of phrases and word choices in lines like "silver gleams" and "strands go snapping." In this visualization and emotional impact, you have added deeper meaning to this. There is emotion here that I completely relate to.
Highlighted lines:
You have rhythm and flow that make this easily readable. This is very lyrical and song-like. You also have repetition that adds to the rhythm, such as "drip drip" and "snip snip." Overall, the emotional turmoil here of cutting ties with someone who was once significant is universal. My recent life events made this hit home hard.
What can we do here to improve? There is some confusion in transitions. The transition between the dream and betrayal is a bit abrupt. You may also consider consistent punctuation and capitalization. Some lines may benefit from reviewing to overall polishing this up. You may have lack of this for specific reasons that I'm missing, but I'm not sure.
Overall, I really enjoyed this. Wishing you well wherever you are in the world. Happy writing! ︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶ A ︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶
Hi Lux!! Was scrolling through the green room and found this gold-mine of a piece. I had to read and try to review!
which gives the poem its full context and meaning.The Title:
The title of this poem “down the drain” can very clearly signal a lot of meanings. To go “down the drain”, it means something is getting rid of. A lot of people may express their love as going “down the drain” if that love isn’t reciprocated, or use images of water as water is what physically “goes down the drain”. For this poem, it is clear that change is the main topic of the poem through the title. The reader must read the poem, however, to learn what is going “down the drain”. I really enjoy this title! It can read quite ambiguous.
The Structure:
This poem consists of 10 stanzas with a rhyme scheme within every stanza. Four 4-lined stanzas, followed by a couplet, then four more 4-lined stanzas and an ending couplet. Honestly, I didn’t notice the rhyme at first glance, but I believe that is what makes rhyme so significant is when it isn’t super blatant but truly feels to be a part of the poem. The rhyme didn’t feel forced and really went well when I read this poem in my head. The 4-2-4-2 lined stanzas create a nice flow to the poem and make it feel more cohesive as a singular piece.
The Content/Meaning:
After reading this poem, it is clear the narrator, by cutting their hair, is letting go of the past of a parent-child relationship. The “cutting” refers to both the hair and the emotional trust of the two as the narrator expresses in line 34
Your imagery is divine, and the words you chose emphasize the almost depressing tone of the poem. I love silver gleams, knees totter, needles prick the neck you choke. This poem is beautiful in its content and I think you use such a unique word choice that captures one's attention and strengthens the mood of the poem.
Overall:
I have no critiques. I mainly wrote this as a way to dive into the poem and express how I felt about your work. I enjoyed this poem from beginning to end and each facet plays an important role in making this poem what it is. It stands alone wonderfully and is truly a work of art. Your style is clear in this poem and I am able to recognize the specialty you have for poetry. I cannot wait to read more!
Sincerely,
Lullaby ♥
Ahhhh i love your reviews ;_; THANK YOU SO MUCH AGAIN. It makes me so happy when people gush about exactly what I was going for, it's much appreciated :.DDDDD <33