Young Writers Society

Helloooo! My first and main comment on this is: WOW! There are dynamics about this that makes this so profound! First, I love the way it is structured. I can see why you shared the image to demonstrate that. Second, I love the call / response thing you have going on with lines like:

and every time she means it [please ignore the lonely sounds]

Third, there is SO much meat here to pound out! By "meat" I mean one of my favorite literary motifs: analogies/metaphors! I count at least 10. You have cold showers suggesting an awakening as they "bring out her eyes" whereas you have hot showers representing opposite and possibly symbolizing a number inner pain as they "burn the emptiness inside." You have tossing flowers in the street compared to roadkill. This could be interpreted as symbolization of the lack of value placed on the writer. You have the asphalt's description and its harshness being comparable to life's challenges and the weight of this pain. You have the ceiling fan line (personal favorite). There's repetitiveness here, perhaps in life, in her being, and the desire to break free or be valued. You have adoration compared to an investment. In most transactions related to money or investments, there's an exchange and give/take. This prompts reflection on the reciprocity of the relationship and how the writer's discarded. There's also the grayscale sunflower (another !!! moment for me). Sunflowers, my favorite flower, are often bright yellow. They're known for following the sun and bringing vibrancy to fall. This analogy signifies and could represent a lose of that vibrancy possibly due to the emotional struggles described here. I found it interesting that you used the word "son" instead of "sun." I wonder if this is a double entendre with the double meaning referring to the sun in the sky or the ultimate light and the religious ultimate light (Son). I noted the smiling imagery contrasts with tossing flowers in the street. This visualization and motif heightens the characteristics here. Lastly, the ending line:

Her fragility is no secret

. I wonder if this suggests that the writer has no qualms about being vulnerable, and if she longs for understanding and compassion. I also find the use of pronouns intriguing. There is reference to "you" who often receives questioning and harsh skepticism. There is "she" who at first is described and treated like "trash", but then when "he" comes in, she is a "lovely sight." The use of pronouns in this allowed me to interpret this as a friendship gone wrong or possibly an ex-boyfriend. The "she" is in a new relationship that is healthy and where she is treated well. She may be reflecting on the past and has questions. Why won't "you" do the same? That line really sold that for me, but I could be not understanding fully or misinterpreting. Either way, this was a great read! Very inspiring! Wishing you well wherever you are in the world.



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Hi Lux! Leaving a review, if I can even find the correct words to say haha.

This poem is so interesting! I really enjoy the black background of the photo, it reminds me of the black of asphalt. I also do enjoy the title!

I'm going to tackle this review one aspect at a time to keep it more organized for the sake of us both.

1. Structure:
This poem consists of a lot of different sized stanzas. Some with 4 lines, some with 6, some with 2, and even 1 line. While normally, I would see an issue with this because I guess I am particularly picky with consistency, but when I was reading this poem, the lines set apart from the others seemed to make sense as they are purposefully emphasized.

2. Rhyme:
I notice that this poem doesn’t have a rhyme scheme. However, I notice in stanza 3 the rhyme of the last three lines consisting of rain, explain, and pain. Was this intentional? I feel like I have to ask that question a lot but I would like to believe all your choices are intentional and I just have to attempt to understand it. This happens again in stanza 14 with night, ignites, and sight, which means this rhyme is certainly intentional. While I do like the hints of rhyme, I am a little confused on the purpose.

3. Content:
I loveeeeee the lines of this poem. Here are some of my favorites:

she’s splintering asphalt grinding
under rubber tires in the rain

she drinks tea some days
to dull the weight
though coffee is her preference

she’s a grayscale sunflower wilting

The images you paint in this poem by using metaphors of comparing the “girl” to actual things only emphasize the melancholic and isolated feeling of this character. They are all unique but understandable to the message.
The questions posed throughout the poem are almost as if they are interrogating this person who damaged the person or didn’t love them enough. This goes into the girl begging God to take it all away because she just doesn’t understand why this is happening and is aching for an answer or an escape.

4. Meaning:
The first 2/3rds of the poem expresses the idea of someone, a girl, who tries so hard for a guy who does not seem to appreciate or reciprocate those feelings. Then it all shifts in the line

at least He gives her someone

which turns the ending of the poem into a hopeful message, shifting the tone from sad to happier. It shows a change in the story as it contacts the mistreatment to finally having someone who cares. I also genuinely love the intertwinement of God as it strengthens the message of sadness for the girl because she is begging Him to save her by taking her away from the world.

5. Other Bits and Pieces
The poem is told as a story by a narrator writing to someone but about someone else. Is it safe to assume that the narrator is the girl writing from a third perspective? They seem to be really aware of how she feels. Especially in the bracket parts that almost sound like someone literally speaking.
The last two lines end in

won’t you do the same? her fragility is no secret

and I think it confuses me because the poem shows the change of losing this person but gaining someone so much better. So what is the intention of the question? To me, it wasn’t super clear.
The punctuation seemed inconsistent, apart from the question marks littered throughout, with the only periods used to pack a punch. Again, I do believe this is intentional! But I do think it would be beneficial to either have all punctuation or none. (Take this with a grain of salt.)

Overall, this poem is extremely creative. It is truly something I have never seen and I am so glad to have read it and be able to give any feedback. The inconsistencies throughout the poem can be slightly confusing, however, I think it fits with how “all over the place” the girl may feel due to what happened and the situations she is in. While I had critiques, I cannot rave enough on how wonderfully written this is and how much I enjoy it. Never give up on writing! You have a talent no one can take away. I hope some of this helped

Much love, Lullaby~ ♡