Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
Ember
In a land in the East there was once a kingdom called Laurel. In the Kingdom of Laurel there was a princess who was pure, divine, and beautiful. She had fair porcelain skin, long hair of black silk and lips red as blood. Her eyes were green and held kindness and innocence. They dazzled anyone who looked into them. Every step she took was laced with elegance, every word that tumbled through her lips was alluring and wise, and her simple presence was radiant. The Princess of the Kingdom of Laurel’s name was Ember.
The Princess’s mother, the Queen of Laurel died during her birth. By the time Ember was ten her father, the King, married a woman named Karenna. Karenna was a magical and breathtaking woman, but her soul was black with malice and wickedness. She killed Embers father and became ultimate Queen. She locked Ember up in a tower and used her magical powers to steal the life and beauty of other women in the kingdom to keep herself young and radiant. Among her magic, she had a mirror that could never lie.
Ember was now eighteen and the kingdom was ruined under Karenna’s rule. It was a chilly winter morning when Karenna awoke in her castle. She put on a long gold robe and slithered to her dresser where the mirror was. She held it in her hand and looked down into it with hunger in her eyes.
“Magic mirror in my hand,” her enchanting voice whispered. “Who is fairest in the land?”
The mirror replied. “My Queen, you are the fairest here so true, but Ember is more beautiful than you.”
Karenna stared back in absolute shock.
“How?” She muttered. “How?” she yelled.
The mirror then proceeded to tell Karenna that if she wished to once again be the most fairest, she had to consume the young girls heart. Karenna immediately ran up to the North tower where Ember lived. As she walked up the steps, she twirled a blade in her fingers. She reached the top and pulled out a single key from her pocket. She placed the key in the doors lock, turned, and opened it. She stepped inside where she found Ember standing by the windowsill, with her back towards Karenna. Ember wore a long, velvet green dress that matched her eyes. Her hair was in a long braid, tied at the bottom with a yellow ribbon.
Karenna was immediately filled with envy and spite that bubbled within her. Ember graciously turned around and fear showed on her face.
“Good morning, darling.” Karenna sneered and slowly approached her. “Don’t be frightened. There’s no need to be frightened anymore.” She delicately put the knife down on a table.
“Why are you here, Karenna?” Ember asked. Her voice held such purity that Karenna grounded her teeth together with jealousy.
“Be quiet child. There is no need to fear me anymore.”
Ember discretely noticed the knife. “Why? What are you here for?”
“Can I not visit my own step daughter?” She smiled viciously.
“Tell me the truth.”
“Fine, I have come for this.” Karenna touched her index finger on the middle of Embers chest.
Ember watched as Karenna’s other hand reached for the knife, but before she could touch it Ember grabbed it and slashed the Queens face. She pushed her down to the floor and took a fleeting glance at the wound that had instantly disappeared before she ran out. The Queen called the guards after her. Ember didn’t stop. She ran out of the tower and through the castle, men in armor running after her.
She stopped momentarily just outside the castle walls to steal a horse, but found that the Queens men were following her on horses as well. They followed her out of town and into the next. They threw arrows at her, until her horse collapsed and she went on foot. They finally stopped when she disappeared into the Dark Forest.
In the castle, the Queen instructed her most loyal brother to find a man who can hunt Ember down. Days later, her brother appears with a strange man named Jedrek. Karenna was immediately pleased by him and sent him to the Dark Forest with her army behind him.
In a hooded cloak Jedrek went into the forest, moving past dark trees, through the snow beneath his feet and the darkness of night that surrounded him. He finally found her sleeping under a tall willow tree. His heart thumped within his chest as his eyes saw her for the first time. He approached her, his thick boots moving through the broken twigs and frost.
He was before her, looking down at her. Her skin was as white as the snow she slept on and her hair was sprawled around her like branches of a tree. He watched her sleep, her chest lightly moving as she breathed. He couldn’t help but thinking how this girl was only eighteen and so beautiful, so fair, and so alone in the dark.
He moved closer until he was leaning over her, holding himself up by putting his hands on either side of her. The frozen snow hurt the skin on his large hands. He didn’t dare to touch her in her sleeping perfection, but wanted to very badly. He gazed over her face, her shapely black eyebrows and the long eyelashes that pressed on her upper cheeks. Her lips looked a little purple from the cold and her arms were covered in goose bumps.
“Who are you?”
Her voice rang in his ears like a song. He quickly turned his attention back to her face, where her vivid eyes bore into his. He hadn’t realized that she had awoken.
“My name is Jedrek.” He said softly, so softly. She noticed how large his arms, his shoulders, his chest was especially compared to her. He removed the hood that covered his face and let her look at him. He had hypnotic deep brown eyes, perfect tan skin, and a strong masculine nose and jaw.
“Are you here to kill me, Jedrek?” She asked.
“I am here to take you to the Queen.”
His words sunk in and she sat up. She fisted her hand and threw a punch at his face. He fell back and she stood, attempting to run away. He jumped up and grabbed her arm, forcing her to the ground.
“Let go of me!” She cried. With her hands on his arms, she wrestled him. “Don’t you know who I am? Do you have any mercy at all?”
He pinned her arms down. “The Queen didn’t tell me who you are or why she wanted you. She just told me to find you and bring you to her.” His voice was rough.
Her strength was helpless compared to his. He forced her to stay frozen on the ground where she looked up at him. “I am Ember, the Princess of the Kingdom of Laurel. The Queens wants you to bring me to her so she take my heart and stay everlasting young.”
He looked down at her, removing his hands from her precious skin. “Princess, the Queens army is only five minutes away, waiting for me to bring you to them.”
“Help me escape, please.” She begged.
He merely laughed at her. “Why would I help you?”
“I need to get to Henland, I’ll be safe there. I’ll give you all the gold coins you could ever dream of owning.”
Suddenly, she could hear the sound of horse hooves and yelling.
“You have yourself a deal.” And they began running deeper into the woods.
-weeks later-
She slipped out of her clothes and slowly walked into the cold water. The small waves brushed against her legs and chilled her skin. Unknowing of his watchful eyes, she let her hair down and dunked herself waist-deep in the river. He couldn’t help but watch with undaunted admiration. With her back to him, she washed herself clean until she became pure and white as snow again.
They had been on the run, encountering strange animals and creatures. Now they were only hours away from Henland when they came upon a river when Ember insisted on washing. She told him to turn around and not peak while she did so, but he didn’t comply.
He began unbuttoning his own clothes until he was bare and ventured into the streaming river. He slowly approached her, his heart beating like a drum within him. His skin tingled with anticipation. She could feel him standing behind her and she turned around with an unsurprised smile hanging on her lips. They were waist-deep and her hands covered her chest. He looked down at her with lustful eyes that glazed with desire. His expression was so intense that she trembled.
His body was so muscular and masculine that she couldn’t believe that she was standing there with him. He was irresistible to her. He put his hands on her shoulders and moved her to completely face him. He pulled on her arms, gently removing her hands from her breasts. Something animal flashed through his eyes and seeing that made her shiver.
He placed her hands on his stomach and moved them up to his chest, then gripped his shoulders tightly. His hands settled firmly on her waist. He leaned down and she tilted her head up to meet his lips. She parted her mouth and let him steal a tender kiss from her.
Suddenly, she was being pulled away from him. She was being dragged into the waters. She felt a harsh hand pulling on her ankle, drowning her deeper and deeper into the water that never seemed to end. She fought against it, trying to resurface but couldn’t. As she got deeper, it got darker until she couldn’t see, couldn’t breathe. She looked down and saw a dark figure pulling her down. It was the Queen.
She wanted to scream but didn’t have any air left in her lungs. She quickly became unconscious, unaware of the man that grabbed her wrist and pulled her back up through the dark waters.
He was already fully clothed as he wrapped her in his cloak, covering her completely in it. He ran. Ran to Henland as fast as he could. She seemed to be breathing but she didn’t wake. He was at the doors of the Palace of Henland.
They pronounced her dead. She stopped breathing an hour after they arrived. Too much air filled her lungs, they told Jedrek. The townspeople of Henland marched to Laurel carrying her coffin. Jedrek led them to the gates of the Queen’s castle, the villagers of Laurel crying. They broke down the doors and rampaged through the castle, killing everyone in sight.
Jedrek climbed up to the Karenna’s bedchambers where she hid. He watched her, sitting on the edge of her bed, looking into the mirror.
“Magic mirror in my hand, who is fairest in the land?” She spoke quietly.
The mirrors deep voice erupted though the room. “My Queen, you are fairest here so true, but Ember is more beautiful than you.”
Jedrek then realized that she was still alive. Karenna screamed and threw the mirror on the floor, smashing it into tiny pieces. She laid stomach-down on her bed, crying. Jedrek walked inside, picking up a shard of magical glass from the mirror. He stood over her and stabbed it into her back. She turned on her back and looked at him untouched.
“It takes much more than that to kill me.” She cackled. He withdrew his sword and held it up to her neck.
“As long as I live, you will never have Ember’s heart.” He slashed the sword through her neck, beheading her.
He ran down to the front of the castle, hearing screams of joy. “The Queen is dead!” they all chanted. “The Queen is dead!”
He looked around and found Ember’s coffin. He opened it up and gazed inside. She looked as divine as she did when he first laid his eyes on her. He leaned down, nervousness pulsing through him. His lips touched hers, as a single tear fell from his face. He moved away and looked down at her with all of the sadness in the world as she stayed unmoving. Tears continued to trickle down his cheeks.
Her face was fair as porcelain, her hair was long and black as night, and her lips were red as blood. Her eyelids fluttered open to reveal eyes of shining emeralds, glowing bright as an ember.
The End
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This reminded me of Snow White and the Huntsman
I really enjoyed reading this. I liked the detail that you put into describing each character. It helped me picture them better in my head. I think that you should have developed the relationship and feelings better between Ember and Jedrek so that when they have that moment in the river, it seems even more tender than it did. I agree with UnicornSmilz that the death of the queen should have been more dramatic. I felt that this was just a bit rushed and that you should have taken the time to describe everything better (for example, when they were carrying Ember's coffin back to her home) and to develop the story as a whole. I truly liked this piece
Great job.
Sarah
I think that the wording when the hunter kills the queen should be more dramatic. It is when the hero prevails and the story is at a crucial turning point. Also the sentences in the beginning should flow more. (Don't worry, it became better as it progressed.) A good way to make sentences flow is to add gerunds. For Example:
"The Princess of the Kingdom of Laurel’s name was Ember."
It could be "Ember, the princess of the Kingdom of Laurel, managed to steal the kingdom's heart." or something like that.
In all, I loved the story, and i really hope to read more of your stories.
I like where you started. However, I really think you should re-read this and go through your sentence flow. It needs a little work. Try using more unique word choice, without over using it. Also I think you should expand on the idea. There are plenty of spots of expansion, and you can elaborate a little more in some parts. You can add more description to what is going on in the story, and also add more detail. Details help develop your characters and paint a picture of what is really going on. I think it is an excellent start, and I strongly encourage you to continue it! And as always, good luck to you and your writing.
Hello, lovethelifeulive!
Interesting spin. I haven't seen the new Snow White and the Huntsmen, so I can't judge whether it is similar as the reviewer before me did; so I'm going to base this off my own knowledge and say that it is interesting. Creating a sort of parallel to a fairy tail is difficult because you still have to create a form of originality, and I believe you did to an extent.
Agreeing with Gabriellemarice99, you do have great diction. You paint a vivid picture in the reader's mind, and that's half the job a writer has.
But you also have a pretty choppy flow. You tell more than you show, which is easily fixed, and your syntax is a bit off. This could be fixed by simply breaking apart each sentence and rephrasing it until, when read aloud, they flow with each other as if they were meant to be spoken rather than written. It would also help if you try starting each sentence with a different word. Right now, you consistently use the same word to start multiple consecutive sentences. Try loosening up. The text doesn't have to be so stiff.
There are a few grammatical errors, but none can't be fixed by a quick once-over. For example, in the second paragraph you write, "The Princess’s mother, the Queen of Laurel died during her birth" when it should be, "The Princess' [I'd double check on that, but I'm also certain you only need the apostrophe seeing as it already ends in s] mother, the Queen of Laurel, died during her birth."
Other than that, this is wonderful and I can't wait to read more from you.
I hope this helps!
Keep writing!
~Rocky
Not to be rude but it sounds like you made a twist to the new snow white movie that came out that has Kristina Stewart in it. IF THAT'S NOT THE CASE I'M SO SORRY!!! If that is the case then i love the twist haha! You use amazing adjectives and great wording. Either way its really good! Keep up the good work.