I stand alone today, not knowing why,
I wonder whether it's because you said goodbye.
I look around searching for them,
but i find them nowhere, looked around, scanned our sneek-spot too,
wholly determined, i'm searching for pieces of you..
you were here, so was I,
your presence making things seem right,
so I look around again, this time they're here,
the pieces of you, a puzzle for me,
they're a vague kinda image, leaving me confused.
If only you were here now, your help i could've used.
they didn't move though, the pieces they're here, seem light as a feather,
come back love, so we can put them back together.
you're as cold as your grave, that's where i sit with the pieces, right beside you, your feel is all i crave.
should i laugh? or am i to cry?
your pale eyes, once stared into mine, and they tingled my insides everytime,
itt's hard to believe that'd never happen again,
your hand in mine,
your lips on me,
our eyes shut tight.
those moments i want to relieve, but people say it's 'past'
i feel weak, my lips quiver as my tear hits the inscription on your grave, if only you weren't lying beneath,
your hand would've touched my cheek,
you don't know how much those feeling last.
if i could dissappear in this world or away from it, if i were granted i'd run right to you,
i'll keep my hopes high, even though, the possibilities are few.
but i know if i have nothing,
buried deep inside me,
lying just as still as you,
forever and beyond, i'll keep with me,
the pieces of you...
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140,776 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Hey there!
Now, I really like this poem, but I am being SUPER picky when I say that shouldn't the first word "I" be in italics like the rest of the poem?
Also:
"you don't know how much those feeling(s) last."
I can't see any errors that other have corrected, so that's all the improvements out the way!
So, beautiful poem, I especially like your writing style, it's very nice and this was quite a sad poem which is the type of poem I'm starting to write more of now.
The last line is very well done and leaves the reader almost feeling lost, like the narrator feels lost, and that's a very good skill to have. making the reader feels what the narrator is feeling is always a plus.
Great job, I'll be keeping an eye out for more of your work!
-CFG
a whole lotta thanks
Heya loveinblue! Pompadour here to review for you!
OK, so I'll start with the general idea which is really good, but I feel like it's a little ... underdeveloped. I mean, there's so much you can do with this, and I can still see the underlying potential! The words you use are powerful, and it's almost like your seething emotion tumbles from each sentence. What I mean to say is, it seems a little cliche. Now, I haven't got anything against cliches, but we all like to see a little originality, right? Even if originality merely gives a boost to the unoriginal, it can work wonders! But anyway, enough of my rant. Moving on, I'll point out a few minor errors I saw, and a couple of places that you could work on.
First off, there's this bit:
A period would be more appropriate here.
Then there's:
The "i" should be capitalized and "sneek" is "sneak." I noticed you haven't capitalized the I in several other places, and I would advise you to do so. On a completely non-technical note, I found this bit rather vague in the beginning. You use "them" to describe the pieces you're talking about, but you don't tell us what "them" is until later. That kinda threw me off, to tell the truth. Also, repeating "them" looks sort of weird. I'd suggest you edit this a bit so it would be something like:
Also:
"dissappear" should be "disappear."
I hope you don't find me harsh, because I really did enjoy reading this poem, and when I find a good poem with a few careless errors, I hasten to point it out since those nitpicks ruin the read. I hope this review helped. Keep up the great work! Keep writing!
Cheers,
~Pompadour
thanks a ton.. gonna edit it soonish!
Hi there, I'm here to review =)
This is a very powerful poem. Full of meaning. The best kind, really. I think a poem with meaning is a poem that sticks with you, one that makes you think. I say this a lot, but I love poems that make me think.
I just found some spelling mistakes. Just a few, really. Easy ones you can fix! =)
"Meking" should be changed to "making"
"It's" not "itt's"
I think you mean "inscription" not "incription"
"Disappear" not "dissappear"
That's all I found. I might have missed some, but I'm sure others will help you out there. But yeah, I really enjoyed this. I can't wait to see more!
thank you.. will make sure there aren't errors henceforth..
Hey there, LastSilverH3R0 here to review you!
First off, I would like to say that this is an amazing piece. It combines feelings that most everyone feels, including love and missing someone, as well as elements that some might not understand, like actually losing someone. I feel like it was very well put together, though some areas could be improved on as far as descriptions go. That being said, there is also a few grammatical errors, which aren't hard to miss if you go through and edit it some more. But it is a very good piece. Thank you for posting it.
thank you so much.. will make it right ASAP : )