We stop at her house. Her house, a bright contrast to the other houses on the block, is a bright yellow. Her lawn looks as though it was freshly cut. Roses line the pathway to the door. It has an air of welcome- well except for the police tape.
Dull police tape line the border of her house. On closer inspection, I can see movement inside of the house. Curtains swing to-and-fro faster than if moved by the wind. Loud bangs and finally a curse word of sorts brings me to believe a burglar is in her house. A very, very stupid burglar. I take out my phone to call the police. That's when I realize that Prala is nowhere to be seen.
I shout, "Prala! Prala, where are you?" Nobody answers my shouts. I begin my short and awkward climb over the tape. A small hand pulls me down. That small hand belongs to Prala.
Rage and relief mix around in my body until I scold her, "Prala, don't ever do that again. Where were you? You could've kidnapped! I'm just glad you are safe. Again, where were you?" She points to the house. Her eyes are puffy as if she had cried.
"Prala, you went into the house? Why are your eyes like that, were you crying? What is wro-" I stop. The front door of the house opens to a woman who looks almost exactly like Maria. She has the same bright green, almond eyes, but her hair, though cut the same as Maria's, is a honey brown. Her clothes are professional and she carries a detective badge in her outstretched hand.
"Detective Adams, who are you? I caught this girl during my investigation. Civilians aren't allowed on crime scenes," she quickly states.
What? A crime scene? I ask, "What do you mean a crime scene? We were here to get Prala's things since I adopted her." Prala nods behind me. I'm staring past the detective. A splash of crimson covers the side of the door. I didn't notice before, but I do now.
The detective replies, "You don't know about the murder? Two adults were killed at this very house!" Prala starts to whimper. I turn to her to see that she is crying again. Tears soak the front collar of her shirt.
I thought that her parents had died in a car crash, not murdered. I open my mouth to speak, but Prala beats me to it. She bursts out, "You told me they died in a car crash. Why did you lie to me?" She stops, her lip quivering. Her mouth emits a high pitch scream that hurts my ears. When she stops, she shoots a hateful look at the detective and stomps back to the car.
Turning to follow her, my arm gets snatched by the female detective. She sounds me around to look in my eyes. In hers, I only see pity and rage. Leaning close to my ear, she whispers, "Follow me. We need to talk."
A smirk covers her face as she leads the way into Prala's old home. Immediately, I gag at the smell that fills the house. It smells like a decayed body. A door to my far left is open. My curiosity gets the best of me for a moment, and I peek in and then wish I hadn't.
The sight of blood is the first thing to greet me. There is blood covering the wall, all over the floor. A body lays on the floor. Burns cover every inch of its body. Well, except the head. The head, apparently dismembered, looks at me with soulless eyes that reminds me of Maria and how she looked. The detective, seeing that I haven't followed her, shuts the door.
"What part of follow me did you not understand civilian! We need to talk, now!" She adds as an afterthought, "Besides, I could arrest you right now for being on a crime scene, and I doubt you want that to happen, now do you?"
She yanks my arm and drags me to a separate from. It has a desk in the center, one chair in front of it, one chair behind it. She pats a chair. "Come, sit. We need to talk about that young girl you adopted. Pristine, isn't it?"
I correct her, "Prala." She starts murmuring and counting her fingers. She does this until I slap the desk. "Continue," I say.
"You know Prala's parents were murdered and that her grandparents died in that plane crash, right?" She waits until I nod. "What you do not know is that her aunt, uncle, and cousins died in a fire not even five months ago. I suspect that her family is being killed off for some reason. All the deaths share a common factor. Fire."
I gasp, "You think that Prala will be next? But why?"
"I don't know. I have been assigned on this case to figure out who the killer is. Protect her, watch her. She is next."
I realize that I am cutting off my hand circulation. I reply, "Don't worry, I will protect her." The detective hands me her card and starts to walk away. I glance at the card. The detective's name is Jessie Adams. I look up to see the detective, Jessie, is gone. Grumbling, I go back to the car, where Prala is waiting.
"So, how'd it go?" she asks. She starts jabbering about how she hates the woman. I sigh, start the car, and drive to the nearest store. I don't want to go back to that house any time soon.
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140,586 Literary Works • 673,540 Reviews
Heya, Lost! Casanova here to do another review for you!
Anyway, I'd like to say that this is a bit different from your previous chapters, and I actually really enjoyed that. It seems more playful, like you actually started messing around with it a bit. And I can say that that paid off, so I would like to give you props on that part. Anyway, onward to the review.
Characters
Your narrator seems to have more of a personality and emotion in this one. He seems more worry-some like you actually took time to think it out, and he actually has a bit of emotion to his dialogue and actions. After the previous three chapters, that's a good thing to see. Anyway, I still feel like he's lacking depth, something to make him a bit more complex than he already is. Right now he's simple, and I don't want to see simple. Simple is boring, simple is old, etc. Anyway, onward.
Plot:
I would like to say I like the way this chapter leaves off, and the way the total plot in general was going. It seems fresh, but at the same time you can tell it's a bit cliche. FOr it being cliche I think that you took it where you could take it, and that's always a good thing. So props for that. Anyway, onward.
Dialogue
Your overall dialogue is still pretty basic, but I think that you pick it up somewhat towards the ending of it, and that's nice to see. You still mainly use common he said she asked kind of dialogue. Spice it up a bit.
Anyway, that's all I have to say on this one. I'm taking a reviewing break now. See ya in rainbow land.
Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.
Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron
Hey! First of all, I just wanna say this chapter series is AMAZING. I'm obsessed already haha! Side note: I usually don't nitpick on grammar, more the central idea of the chapter/story.
Cool twist! I really like the whole one day its a car crash the next its a murder. I just think this is all happening a little fast. Just by a little. I think you've done better at the pace than most people can. I just think that each chapter could stand by itself, why this is a positive thing in many cases, it also makes each chapter seem like a short story instead of a part of a book. Maybe kind of making the chapters flow together a lot more smoothly.
I would also like to see more complex characters. I feel like there is barely no background. I feel like his whole purpose is nothing I should care about. SO, a little character depth would be good
I also think the writing needs a little more emotion. There is a lot of good description, but not a lot of emotion. So, another thing that would be nice
Other than that, I love, love, love it! Amazing writing!
Keep me updated!
Kamryn <3
Review will be coming for this! I'm in love with this book
I'm stuck on chapter 5. I'm waiting for someone to yell at me for not writing it yet.
WRIIIIITE
Ok, will start writing it tonight. I'll start of in a restaurant, I wonder which one..
Back again!
.
You've this knack for gluing my eyes to the screen. Maybe it's the frequent paragraph breaks, the flow, the well-measured pace, or all three fused. Whatever it is, you clearly possess talent. I was hooked in from the beginning, and I didn't dare glance up until the end.
I definitely like how this is developing. Sure, it's the sixth or so page, a girl's been adopted, and we're introduced to a gory murder, but you're taking things slow, allowing the reader time to digest things. In other words, I like how you didn't dive straight into the action. You built up to it, created suspense, so that the murder would strike us hard. The dialogue's also balanced out with narration and action, and the speaker tags are varied. You've basically done everything necessary to sustain my attention--me, who couldn't even make it through the Kingkiller Chronicles
But I'm going to backtrack on my Chapter 2 review--my main nitpick. There's mind-numbing, jaw-dropping action, there's breathtaking description, but besides that ... not much to slow it down. Not much reaction. I see that Greenlight thought the same, but I'm going to tell you, I don't feel especially strong about it. But it's crucial to do more of this later on, to develop the characters, give depth to their emotion. Right now your primary focus is fleshing out the exposition, and that I understand. Just something to keep in mind in the future.
That aside, fantastic grammar. Just a few minor slip-ups here and there, all of which I'll point out below, and then I'll conclude the review.
Square the hyphen, and Word will automatically correct it to — , which looks a lot cleaner. Hyphens are meant to connect words, not entire clauses. "Well" also qualifies as a parenthetical expression, so it should precede a comma.
Subject-verb agreement. "Line" should be "lines."
Not a nitpick, just something I caught on my regular re-skimming. This was great, absolutely amazing. It established a voice, gave your narrator more depth and more emotion. All that repetition and italicizing can do
Comma after "mean."
Comma before "since." This registered a little choppy to me. I'd recommend rewording it a little, just so it doesn't become an obstacle to this perfect flow you've so carefully been crafting.
A "been" is required after "murdered."
The bold parts are the edits.
That's all I have. Keep it up! Looking forward to more!
Hey there, lostthought!
I'm here with a review for you in this magnificent March review day, representing team blue!!! Before I start this review, let me just say that I apologize beforehand for any typos (of which I'm certain there will be many) as I'm writing reviews from my iphone today. 
I don't know if you were crunched for time when you typed this piece up on here or what, but in some places it seems like your word choice is a little bit rushed and sort of comes out awkward. Although you did a very good job of keeping the story's pacing nice and steady, it is evident in the narrative voice of the story that you never really developed a very unique narrative pattern or style. Everything sort of seems to be a. Description of what happened and there isn't really much for the reader to hang their hat in as far as the narrator's reaction. I mean let's be real; he's come across a murder scene. There's gotta be more to his reaction than simple disbelief and shock. Show us a little fear, maybe some denial, or maybe even a hint of worry that he may be next! 
I hope this review was helpful for you. Happy review day and never stop writing!!!
First of all, I greatly enjoyed reading this piece. I loved how this story started out with the peaceful tranquility of a single brightly colored house among the dull estates, but then quickly turned dark with the introduction of the crime scene and the murder that had occurred there. Your pacing there was excellent and it worked wonders towards creating that feeling of an abrupt shift from a carefree afternoon to ken filled with death and mourning. Your descriptive talents were on full display here and I could really get a good mental picture of everything that wa happening in this story. Great job there, buddy.
Now then, for the constructive criticisms.
Other than that, fantastic job with this one. It was an enjoyable read and I enjoyed analyzing it too.
Hey! Its IamTruant here!
I was intrigued by the beginning of the chapter, especially when you put: "It has an air of welcome- well except for the police tape." Ooh, suspense!
This sentence was quite confusing: "Curtains swing to-and-fro faster than if moved by the wind." Maybe if you put: "Curtains swing to-and-fro faster than the wind ever could."
But anyway - Well done! You don't have much mistakes in your work which is brill. I look forward to reading on!