Prala is wailing by the time we get to my home. The death of her grandparents has taken a horrible toll on her. She had struggled when I buckled her in the backseat. She had also screamed at me, begging to go back.
I unbuckle her and carry her inside, patting her back as I go. My calm demeanor has no effect on her. Wordlessly, I put her on the living room couch and wait for her to calm down. Gradually, she does.
Prala breaks the silence, "My grandparents. They were to take care of me after what happened to my parents."
"What happened to your parents?" I ask.
"They died in a car crash."
I sit there, unable to speak. Pity for her rushes into me rapidly.
I say, "I'm so sorry Prala, I didn't know."
She doesn't reply and we sit in silence. The silence is broken again when I ask, "Do you have any other family members?" She shakes her head.
I stand up and go into the kitchen, leaving her in the living room to grieve over her new losses. The kitchen, a pristine white when I left it, now seems dull. I sit at the wooden table, thinking about what to do next.
Should I give her up to the adoption agency? Let the happy girl I met at the airport turn into an unwanted, sad child in an orphanage? Should I keep her and care for her as my own? Do everything I can to make her happy?
Unable to come to a decision, I pour Prala and me some water and walk back into the living room. She lies face down on the couch, the pillows bearing the burden of her tears. I reach to pat her back and then withdraw my arm, deciding against it. I wait on the sofa parallel to her. Finally, she looks up.
"What do you want?" She growls. Suddenly, she gets up and start to hit me. I bear the pain that her tiny fists bring. She stops, and falls into my arms, sobbing helplessly. I pat her back and say soothingly, "There, there."
Her tears cease and her breath evens. I carry her to my room and lay her on my bed. I watch her sleep as I decide what to do next.
~~~~~~~
"So I have to choose between here or a orphanage?" Prala asks. She had slept for five hours. When she had waken up, I told her about the two decisions she has to choose from.
I reply, "Yes, I have thought about it while you were asleep and decided that as much as I would love to have you here, it's your choice. Plus, your parents said in their will that your grandparents are to take care of you, which cannot be fulfilled. I called and asked where you were to go and I was told that since your grandparents were dead, it was your choice between the orphanage or to stay with me."
I omit the part about that her parents had left their daughter a large sum of cash for when she was eighteen.
Prala grins, "I guess I will stay here. You can be my new dad!" With that, she jumps up and hugs me. I'm in shock for a little bit and then I hug her back.
I pick her up and twirl her in the air. She squeals with joy and I'm laughing in delight. I carry her downstairs into the kitchen, which is once again a pristine white. I whistle while making us peanut butter sandwiches. Life is once again happy, even if for a little while.
After a joyful lunch, we go down to the adoption agency. A hour later, I'm officially a father. While we go to her old house to get her possessions, a sudden thought slaps me in the face. What if I die fighting Tyler? Prala would be alone again, stricken by the loss so badly she will be traumatized by grief and sadness.
Prala notices the sudden change of expression on my face and asks, "What's wrong?"
I wave her off, "Nothing, nothing . . ."
End of chapter
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Heya, Lost! Casanova here to do a short review!
Anyway, I find that this has the same issues as the previous chapters. It lacks the emotion that I was mentioning, and the plot is still good. Anyway, there's some things I would like to bring up.
Characters:
Alright, let's talk about the narrator. This seems like a good place. Anyway. your narrator still seems boring in a lot of sections. Like, he's there, but he's just going through the motions. Again, some people are like this and some people are not. but I think in the beginning it really shows that he isn't like this, and I think you could do better by spicing him up a bit. The other characters are alright, not the best in the world and you could tweak them as well. Anyway, on to the next thing.
Dialogue:
Anyway, your dialogue over all was pretty bland. Mess around with it a bit, show a bit more emotion, and use something besides the usual,"he said," ,"she asked," kind of dialogue. He snarled, she sobbed, things like that. Anyway, onward.
Overall I think the idea of this is strong, and I'm excited to see where this goes. Mess around, play around with it a bit, and nurture it.
Anyway, that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped.
Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.
Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron
Hello

First off,
I love the line, "the pillows bearing the burden of her tears." Beautiful!
But,
"So I have to choose between here or a orphanage?" Prala asks. She slept for five hours. When she had waken up, I told her it's her choice between staying with me or going to an orphanage."
Too much repetition, It's unnecessary and should definitely be edited.
I noticed GoldFlame mentioned that the adoption was perfect...
I disagree. I think it's awesome he's keeping her, but I don't think it should've moved so fast...
I understand she's 8, but you would probably still be upset about your parents dying and then your grandparents dying to be squealing and laughing and everything is alright.
I think this should have way more detail and add more storyline to the ending of this chapter. Other than that it was an ok chapter, not the best you can write, but with adding A LOT more to the ending and editing a little more here and there, I think you can bring this chapter to it's full potential!
Please, please, please keep me updated! I really like this! I think you've got something going here
Thanks for reading till here <3
Kamryn
My grandma died when I was around 8. I didn't mope around all the time because I knew that death is irrelevant and I shouldn't cry over her. (Besides, no disrespect to the dead but does it matter to them if we cry?)
Yeah, I'm still writing chapter 4. Hard when you get sidetracked anyhow.
Hey, Buzzy!
. It's difficult to pull off present tense, but I can already tell, it's well-suited to the theme. Suggests a casual atmosphere, but the formality laced throughout your writing...
I usually don't expect much of novel beginnings. You know, they're your prime chance to develop the exposition, and the exposition's typically the dullest part of the novel. But in this case...wow. Eyes glued to the screen. And I've read this *pinches thumb and forefinger* far into it. This, my friend, is the mark of an experienced novelist.
Scarce to say on your grammar. Just caught a comma splice or two. I'll expound on that below.
Style...gorgeous. Not that I didn't expect it to be so
My nitpicks border on insignificant.
Okay, this is really nitpicking to the core, but the manner in which you present this information....A reaction like this is commonly triggered by pestering, relentless condolences. But the narrator's tactful; he remains silent. So I'd recommend extending the dialogue, as well as elaborating on her reaction. Make the reason more obvious. These are my guidelines: pretend the reader possesses the worst memory in the world. But do assume, at the same time, that they're precocious geniuses.
I love how you dared beyond weeping, though
I'd recommend exchanging that comma for a period. It'd increase the impact of her statement, and voila--grammatically correct.
The second "I" is an object, as opposed to the subject, so it should be exchanged for "me."
Should be "lies."
Not a nitpick. Just amazing imagery
Since this novel's present tense, any reference to the past should be in present participle: "She has slept for five hours."
That seems a little cruel. Laughing at someone because she's squealing. I think you're looking for a different word than "amusement"...
Prala's reaction to be adopted was just perfect. Couldn't have executed it better. And the narrator's elation....It was seeping through the pages.
Keep it up! Looking forward to more!!
I always get stuck on that Her and I, Her and me thing.(This is my trial run on present tense. Always have done post tense in the past.)
Ok, I have her suddenly jump up and hit him, kinda like *I'm mad and if you try to stop me, I shall eat your face off* scene. He deals with it because he knows her feelings (Remember Maria)
Thanks for the review! I'll tell you when the next chapter will be out
No problem! And yes, I understand why she hit her. She just cracked. I was just stating that the mood swing was so sudden, the reader was thrown off a little bit. I'd recommend just inserting some subtle hints.
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Sorry for being so harsh there! This is amazing