He told her that her green eyes were the only things he wanted to see, however, he caught himself dancing in the brown of another girl’s. What she didn’t know is that his true intentions were not what escaped from his mouth and glided off his tongue. The soft, gentle brush of his fingers masked the danger that lurked within his veins. Before she could catch herself, she fell. Deep into his comforting lips and even farther into his convincing and warm embrace. She begged for him to catch her, but he let his eyes wander.
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140,633 Literary Works • 673,570 Reviews
Wow this was so descriptive and you could feel the pain following the temptation that just made you want to come up off of your seat and try to stop it from happening. The descriptions here were spot-on and I felt like I was right there. However, I have a few nit-picks.
1) "He told her that her green eyes were the only things he wanted to see, however, he caught himself dancing in the brown of another girl’s." I can understand if this is exactly how you hear it in your head, as I have these moments, too. However, here I think it might read a little bit better if you say, "He told her that her green eyes were the only things he could see, however he caught himself dancing in the brown eyes of another."
I love how you reference the danger lurking in his veins, as well as the last line when you say, "but he let his eyes wander."
Overall, very well written. I thoroughly hope to see more from you!
~RagingLive
Hiya!
This poem beautifully portrays the scenario of a girl falling for someone who won't fully commit and won't be faithful to her. I love the way you used repitition when describing how it was the eyes that she fell in love with. The description was also very realistic and made the poem even more vivid. The way it was written also made it relatable to lots of us, overall well done on a great price of writing!
Hello, there!
You did a nice job with description, the scene was so vivid and I could imagine watching this (or being in the girl's perspective). It was very nicely written
However, you marked this poetry, and I think this would better in a "stanza" or "verse" kind of format. Because to me this is almost like an essay or article or even a short story. It's just something small. But it would be truly amazing if you put in it a more "poetic" form, just by snatching the beautiful sentences you've written and putting them on their own lines.
I loved the end, it complimented the title nicely but was also a sort of twist. Nice job.
Keep writing!
~ EternalRain
Wow!!What a petry!!!!! It was touching.You are doing good ,liv!!!The way you write.........Its awesome.You are having an art of expressing yourself in a very convincing manner.Your poetry was filled with drama.You are a good narrator too.you are gifted a special skill of narrating,dear liv.kep going. Say no to stopping
Thank you so much!!
Hey there, yizhongt here for a quick review.
I loved this little piece you have written. The descriptions you have given is so vivid and real. The ending was heart breaking, but sometimes that is what makes a good and memorable story.
And the title should remain as 'His Eyes" as this is from the girl's perspective if I'm correct.
Continue writing !! Cheers !!
Yes i agree with you dear yizhongt!
Thank you!!:)
hello! my quick review is that the title should be her eyes. because in the beginning he is complimenting her green eyes. and in the last sentence I don't know what het means? maybe a typo.. but selection of words is beautiful.
Thank you I fixed the typo!