HELlOOOOOOOOOOOO! Welcome to YWS, the most awesome place on the internet! Guineapiggirl here to review!
I like the first half of this poem. I think it's interesting that you've chosen just to talk about this blonde streak of hair. As a brunette, I don't particularly appreciate you describing brown hair as being sorrow and darkness, but there you are.
The second half is really not that great. It doesn't feel like a poem, it doesn't draw me in, it bores me with unnecessary details.
And then the last line is just like 'wooooooow, some girl rejected him so he goes and jumps off a cliff? Wow.....'
But I really like the first half!
I especially like these two lines:
Thus it makes sense that in my darkest hour, as I lay with my heart in my hands, my hope faded to sorrow.
The streak of light that was my North Star, the distinctive feature that distinguished my eyes from all others, too faded to nothingness.
Personally, I'd just end it after them. We don't need all the extra detail.
I also think that some of your lines are a little long and don't feel rather prosey, and you haven't used all of those nice poetic techniques that make poems really special.
I hope I've helped a little.
Keep writing!
Points: 11017
Reviews: 179
Donate