Most people have been affected by bullying so i wrote this poem for them. it's very to the point and theres no happy ending because there never is one. so anyways i hope you like it.
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very true poem its true it comes from that part of the heart that knows it isnt being treated right by everyone else and the situation is common the thing is some people cant explain it and u did.
very clearly indeed.
Hello I'm LastPaladin and I shall be your reviewer, first off I'm going to say it was a selfless move to write about bullying in such a true sense. That not to say it's perfect, but I think we shall go into that further in this review. So enough chatting lets begin.
Much like Nate I felt a lot of this was awkward, extremely awkward, some of it's stanza were fines, others not so much, others left much to be desired. It was a very convoluted piece, though it was done with best of reasons it comes across as slap-dash in a large area. I'm doing to put my thoughts into word, but because of the theme it's difficult. I think first stanza needs a major overhaul, it seems the weakest and piece like shouldn't sound whiny, it should sound desperate but the line between desperation and whiny is quite a big one. You need to try grab us with a plea but not appear to angst ridden or whining about problems. Second stanzas a little better, but it's not anything we've never heard before sadly. The whole way this is written doesn't come across as desperate, it seems less desperate and more confused and jumbled, the whole scheme seems a little messed. And final stanza just comes off whining, you should have tried to make it sad without resorting to a cliché.
Overall: It's a valiant try and a good act, it's just awkward mainly, and you don't get quite the right voice across, you want desperate not whiny, you don't quite get there. Then by the end you've settled on whiny.
Hope this helps.
It's a good poem, but parts of it are awkward. For example "Full sunshine smile" feels very out of place in terms of meter. I think it would be better off if you ended with "For it longs to smile again." That way, it seems more resigned and I think it'd do a better job of conveying the feeling of utter helplessness.
On a punctuation note, end each stanza either with a period or nothing at all. The commas make it appear disjointed.
Like your previous reviewer pointed out, I was also wondering if that was supposed to be a question and that you should add the question mark if it was. Otherwise, this was a completely moving poem, and it's something that I , myself, have gone through. It's hard dealing with it but it gets easier as time wears on, I can only hope it does get easier for you.
This was a brilliant poem, keep writting.
I have a friend that is always made fun of. If I hear about it, I go after the person who made fun of her. I use to be made fun of and I would have liked someone to stand up like I do for her. She would have also liked this. As do I!
This has a nice flow and it's sad. But I like it. *clicks "like" button* You have barely errors as I see from here. Hope to see more from you.
~Ladypurple.