Moonlight revealed stranger
I know not your path left behind.
In frozen eyes, I can tell
that your journey has ended.
Upon the red grass you lay.
Limbs strewn across the earth.
What harsh wind could have left you there?
Fanfare rages, the battle will not stop for you.
Ahead your men push on, thawed eyes dripping out, leaving sorrow on their backs.
Your pain echoes to me, but I could not falter.
We will meet again on this endless journey.
Whether it be at the pearly white gates,
I hope,
that I will see you again.
But we are men.
Men of blood,
and there is no room for us up there.
We will ask for a place and they will laugh in the face of our desperation.
In hell, we belong.
Like the red we splatter along the pavement, we will burn in it too.
But then, my friend,
will we lock eyes in the pits?
As the devils tear away at our skin,
and our flesh falls from our foul fates,
will we be one with each other, then?
There are no sides in death.
You are my brother from the end.
I will treat you as such, brother.
Please, lend me a hand.
How do we explain our sins to the devil?
Will he think of us worthy enough
to reside in his hell for all eternity?
Not holy enough to worship the Lord, not devilish enough to fry.
Where do the stranded men stay?
On Earth, you say?
How hilarious, brother.
I never want to see another day.
The sky is beautifully blue.
But it pales in comparison to the new blue complexion of your skin.
The grass, graciously green.
But no longer, as you drain out.
The dirt, brown as brackish.
Still filthy, just as the ones that run around in it.
The color of this world fades when I pick up my sword,
and it will trickle to black as I swear my loyalty to the throne.
And the queen! Oh, the queen.
Will she look at my men with those empty eyes,
silently snickering at their urge to cry,
brutally bickering with the second-in-command,
saying,
"How hard can it be to be a man?"
She would never know.
The days I'd gone home with a torn up back,
with a full agenda but an empty pay sack.
I have no coins to jingle,
no ill-fortune to blame.
One quaint little family
with nothing to their names.
But the queen! Oh, the queen.
She knows not of our minds.
When is the time
for us to be saved?
No hell, no heaven.
We will stay
in the limbo called Earth, forevermore.
My sword does not budge.
In fact, it fights against my force.
Your insides keep a tight hold on it.
Oh brother, do you love me so?
Let me go, it is only fair.
I swear, we will meet again.
Perhaps that time, I will be a rock.
And maybe, you may be a king.
Please brother, do not inlay me into your castle.
I have seen too much of the palace,
I've had my share of nobility.
Please brother, leave me in the garden.
Sitting there to rot.
For how long, I know not.
But do not take me in.
Moonlight revealed stranger, my friend, and my brother.
I know not your path left behind.
But after this life, we will pave a new path ahead.
Together, our fates, we will find.
The rain continues to plummet, ahead, I must forge.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
wow just wow!
I am here for the review but like wow, the topic you chose the way you wrote about it the lines oh my god I love it.
1 para = very nicely introduced the character, "moonlight revealed stranger " just wow, thought I would suggest you use a little rhyme in with behind and it's not necessary, but it would kind of make the thing perfect
2=I google the word fanfare and here is what it showed (FANFARE =a short ceremonial tune or flourish played on brass instruments, typically to introduce something or someone important.) so maybe I am wrong but is the dead solider dead before the battle began or is the poem happening between the battle cause the fanfare tune means the battle would have begun and the 5th line is too long it breaks the rhythm
3 = I love the ques solider ask with hope and the answer he gives of reality and the acceptance of the cruelty he has done
5=(how will we explain) cause the living solider is alive so he will in the future
6="and it will trickle to black as I swear my loyalty to the throne. " the black means death , and as I swear =as I have sworn , --this line implying that I will be dead cause I have sworn my loyalty
8 = wow lines, just how nicely you have explained the misery of a solider
11= fav lines,
I love the writing , I would hope you use a little rhyme and check the lines where they are oddly long as it kind of create a spotlight on the long line.
I seriously loved it , I would definitely read more from you.
Thank you for the review!
I am sorry I don't know how the thing got posted 3 times.
It's completely okay ^^
Hi sunflower here for a quick (and quite positive) review!
This poem was absolutely fantastic! I love pretty much every single line in this poem. The helplessness but also the hope woven into every word is enough already to give me goosebumps. The line:
[How do we explain our sins to the devil?
Will he think of us worthy enough
to reside in his hell for all eternity?]
was probably one of my favourites because it was just so chilling and well worded, as if are POV character was really becoming unsure of himself and his morals, were they good or bad, you know!
[Please brother, do not inlay me into your castle.
I have seen too much of the palace,
I've had my share of nobility.
Please brother, leave me in the garden.
Sitting there to rot.]
This was another line that really just struck me right in the heart, it just really felt like a dying mans wishes whether that be a physical death or a more moral/mental death which I find is often a difficult thing to capture.
In conclusion this work was fantastic (just like the last one of yours which I believe I read) and it very much so gave me the vibes of the song Hello My Old Heart (great song) which both have that same kind of melancholy which just fit's so well with the overall message. Thank you so much for this wonderful work and keep on writing! Have a great day/night, bye!
Thank you for another wonderful review, Sunflower! I love your interpretation of the lines. Have a good day/night as well!
Hi, hello! This is Ina speaking. I am to give a comment/review for your poem that caught my eye in the green room. Anyways, let's get into it.
I feel like this poem tells me to make a plan for your future and don't regret it. But I think it's very too. The solider regrets it mid-battle because of the war he is fighting against is stronger and might defeat them in the war or he misses his family even if his brother is with him. The mention of the queen is also very nice. I like the description of the queen in this stranza. Those words seems to be put together in a nice way.
"And the queen! Oh, the queen.
Will she look at my men with those empty eyes,
silently snickering at their urge to cry,
brutally bickering with the second-in-command,
saying,
"How hard can it be to be a man?"
She would never know."
Oved all, this poem is nice. Thank you for sharing a wonderful poem. Have a good morning, day, afternoon or night.
Thank you! Have a good day/night as well.
You're very welcome!