A teenage boy stared at a girl about the same age as him. She could feel his eyes burning into her skin as if she were being branded. He watched in awe as her long-fingered hands moved across the piano. He had always been amazed at how she could play music without seeing anything.
"Like it?" the girl questioned curiously, staring at him with her sightless gray eyes. Blond hair fell in front of her left eye.
The boy involuntarily traced her cheekbone, tucking the stray hair behind her ear. "It was almost as beautiful as you."
"W-what?" she stammered, raising her eyebrows. "Dylan, do you feel okay?"
"Never felt better," he replied, grinning. He moved his hand from her face to her waist, hugging her close to him. He tilted his head a little and moved closer to her. He kissed her ever so softly. She put her arms around his neck, weaving her hands in his thin, straight hair. "I love you," he whispered as softly as he could after they broke apart, their foreheads still touching.
"And I came here to make you dance tonight. I don't care about my guilty pleasure for you...." A girl woke up to Cobra Starship's "Guilty Pleasure" in her ears. An alarm clock sounded, though it sounded far away because of the music.
"Shut up all ready," she grumbled, "I'm up." She slammed her slim hand on the alarm clock, making it stop beeping. She stuffed her face into the pillow, blocking everything out except for the loud music in her ears. Suddenly, she remembered her dream. She practically threw the pillow in the floor and jumped out of bed. She grabbed her cell phone and felt for the ridges between the four, five, and six. After she found them, she dialed the phone number as easily as she did every day. It was so familiar to her, she didn't even have to think twice about the seven numbers.
"Hello...?" a boy said, half asleep. "Rose, why on God's green earth are you calling me at six in the morning?"
"I have to ask you something," she said, not bothering to take her ear phones out of her pierced ears. Not one ounce of tiredness masked her voice. "Do you--do you like me?"
"What? Of course I like you. I wouldn't call you every single day if I didn't."
"No, Dylan, I meant do you like me as a...girlfriend." Her heart skipped a beat as she said the word "girlfriend."
"Oh," was all he said. After a moment of silence, he continued shyly, "There's something I've been meaning to tell you...."
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140,836 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hi it was beautiful although maybe if you said as if she were being branded
ERANBEAR
peace out type on!!!!
Not bad. It left me in suspense at "I've been meaning to tell you...." I like how you show that the girl is blind rather than telling. It makes everything seem more realistic. So far, it's a great story. I'd have to see the rest to give a full review of the story so keep writing. I can't wait to see what happens next!:D
most the grammical problems were solved.I liked it,yea it was good and I like the fact that she is blind. Good story, I think you should keep writing.
I don't have much critique for this. It was both really good grammatically and story-wise. I found it interesting that you decided to use a blind girl. I am visually impaired myself--just on the border of legally blind--and I appreciate her view. Thankfully, I can see.
The one nit-pick I have is your description about the boy. If this is from the girl's perspective, you probably shouldn't describe his appearance. Unless, of course, she once had sight and lost it after meeting him. Then that should be described later in the novel/short story/whatever this will turn out to be.
Other than that, this was very good. PM me when you post another chapter.
Haha, this was pretty cute!
I would have it more centered on the girl... after all, this is her dream, so why would she dream about someone watching her? I forget where, but I overheard this conversation somewhere of what blind people dream, and the answer was touch and other things, not sight, so it would add a bit of realism to your dream sequence and make it uniquely hers.
And dun dun dun! What does he want to tell her???
Okay, to Captain.Classy:
.
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I changed the first sentence. Hope it sounds better now! And, yeah, that cell phone sentence did sound kind of odd. Oh, and I specified how she found the numbers...yeah, she's blind.
Thanks for the review!! I appreciate it
To Nutty:
Again, I changed the first sentence to make it sound better. And, true--you don't need a verb of speaking every time someone talks. Oh, and, I don't know if you've ever read them, but do you know Warriors books? How Jayfeather can see in his dreams? Rose can see in her dreams. It's not really from any one's prospective, though it is Rose's dream. Oh, and ear buds are the little things you stick in your ears when you're listening to your iPod. Earphones are the big, clunky things that go all the way around your head, and ear buds are small and don't go around your head. And, no, it doesn't really affect your hearing--I talk on the phone with music in my ears and it's doesn't block out the sound of whoever I'm talking to.
If I decide to continue the story any further, you'll be one of the first to know
Thanks a lot for the review!!
P.S. I changed their names cause I somehow got two story couples confused, but I wanted their appearances to stay the same. I just changed their names from Jasper and Sammy to Dylan and Rose. By the way, Jasper/Sammy are still in another one of my stories!
Hey ^_^
Now, I'm not the biggest romance buff, but I've read a few. I spotted this and thought I would point a few things out. It's short and sweet, and the style is very readable. There are a few things I noticed -
This sentence has quite a bit of information- who, how old, an emotion and what- which is good for the start of a story, but I think it should be split into smaller sentences. I like the fact you give us this information, it gives the reader a clear image on what is going on. It's just a bit long and clunky.
Here is an example of how shorter sentences could work-
A teenage boy stared at a girl in amazement. Her long fingers moved effortlessly across the piano, gracefully picking out the notes she seeked. How did she play so smoothly when she could not see the keys?
By no means is that strictly better than what you have already, but my point is merely that you can give us the information a little more slowly. This gives your work a more relaxed feel.
Dialogue tags are not always neccesary. Don't panic about using 'said', either. Do you ever notice the word when you are reading? Not many people do. A lot of writers worry too much about finding alternatives.
However, in this case, I don't think you need one. Becase it is clearly a praise, you do not need to state it. ^_^
There is nothing particularly wrong with this paragraph. One thing I will say, however, is whose perspective is this written from? I got the impression it was jasper's, because you described things that requires sight. "grinning" and "Midnight black". If it was Sammy's dream, and she is blind- or is that only in the dream? -then you should possibly describe more of the other senses. Just a thought, however, it doesn't matter too much.
I like the transition. It wasn't immediately apparent that it was a dream, so the transition had the effect I suspect you were after.
What are ear buds? I have no idea. Just, they won't impede her hearing, will they?
Overall, this is a sweet and simple story. Will you be continuing? If so, I will be interested to see what you do with it. I suggest that if you do, you find a sub-plot to compliment the romantic one, to round out the story. What romances I have read and enjoyed was because the romantic plot had another plot running alongside it, for the more realistic feel. I think it has potential, and your writing style suits the romance genre. ^_^
I enjoyed reading this, and if you have any questions, or post more of the story and wish me to look over it, don't hesitate to PM me.
-Nutty
Hiya! Glad to read this, I love romantic fiction.
Here I go:
So, this sentence is really long. I suggest shortening it into two sentences.
I suggest changing it to this, because it sounds a bit odd as is: "She grabbed her cell phone and dialed the phone number as easily as she did every day." Or some variation of that.
So, those were all the mistakes I found. Good job with that!
I am wondering if the girl who woke up from the dream is blind. If so, you should specify it by saying something about how she dialed the numbers without sight.
Nice story, keep writing! Feel free to PM me if you write more!
~Classy