A Friendship Worth Saving

Hey..
I really enjoyed reading your story.
I only have one problem. I mean when 'Chauncey' asked her if they wanted to date, in my opinion that's unrealistic. He wouldn't ask her that if he didn't like her. No matter how much he liked their friendship.
I also didn't like how it referred to Bethaney as 'a girl' when Chauncey was kissing Jade. It should have been a figure, maybe or just Beth. The same thing when Chauncey entered Beth's room.
Overall though I liked it. It had depth and meaning. I maybe wrong but I just thought I might as well show you my opinion. Can't wait to read more of your stories so WELL DONE!!!
Keep writing
Kakagirl X X

Hi, Lee-Anna! Your story was good, but it isn't your best. You were lacking too many details, and I think it would be better if you made it longer. I did like your dialogue, but I think your story needs more to it than that. I did love the way you made your characters come to life. You did a very good job on this. (: Keep writing, and I hope I helped!

Much love,
Morgan(:

Hello there!

Interesting story. As what others stated, you're good at dialogues. It makes your story a little bit realistic and was understandable from the start until the end. You have no grammar mistakes and your spellings are clean. One thing that slightly ruin the flow of your story is the pacing; it's really fast. Maybe try to make things slower for the characters to really express their feelings towards another. As with your characters, I love them! They are all realistic. I like Chauncey better though. hee-hee.

Keep writing!

Peace out!

_Yuri_

LOVE IT!!!!!

his name made me giggle XD but i liked the story overall. i've checked out your other works, and i must say that you're really good(:

I love the dialogue. Keeps my mind occupied.

I thought that the dialogue felt realistic and seemed to flow nicely. My only real complaint was with the ending of the story. First of all, I felt like it was a bit rushed; like Chauncey went from not romantically interested in Bethany and then, suddenly, he had his arm around her and they were dating. I think it would be good if there were more conflict, more of a struggle, before the happy ending. Maybe I am too much of a realist, but the happy ending just seemed too Happy.

You know we like to write because it provides an escape from our own realities, allows us to fashion the lives we wish we had. But at the same time, we need conflict in the story so that the readers are not only kept interested, but so they can also relate to the struggles that the character is going through. Take time to examine the ending and make it flow better.

High School drama. I don't miss it but this story did have my emotions running high. But you're missing too many details. I was in your story but there were some things I couldn't see like what the MC looks like. All I know about her is she had beautiful eyes. Still, a good idea, work with it.

well, it was good except that it needs more detail. I agree with love,juliet. How do they look? How long have they known each other? Give us more details because I was kind of confused at the beginning. But, overall, I think you should keep writing. =]

Okay, here we go. My corrections are in bold.

leeanna13097 wrote:There he was. There was Bethany's best friend--kissing Jade. This first sentence confuses me. If you switch to Chauncey's point of view after this, I think you should just keep it that way. Get rid of this sentence so it's all from the same person's POV.
"What are you doing?" a girl inquired angrily in the background, staring at them, bewildered.
"Bethany, I...was just kissing her..." the guy explained after he broke away from Jade. He walked toward his best friend slowly. I noticed that you used "a girl" in the second paragraph and then he says "Bethany". Wouldn't he have to turn around if he doesn't know who the girl is at first?
"Yeah, I noticed," she snapped. Tears started to fill her eyes.
"Beth, what's wrong?" he questioned worriedly.
She folded her long arms across her rather flat chest. She still stared straight at him. "Now that you're dating her, you'll never know." With that, she ran off toward her own house, crying all the way home.

"How could you do that?" the boy asked Jade furiously. "Why did you kiss me?"
"I wanted to kiss you," she explained flirtatiously. "Is there something wrong with that? It's not like you're dating that shorty."
"So what if I'm not dating her? Did you happen to see her face just then? She was destroyed." After a pause, he continued. "And don't you ever call her shorty again," he said defensively.
"Oh, I saw her face, and I'm quite proud of it." The girl examined her nails as if the conversation didn't interest her one bit. "I've never been able to hurt her feelings before. To me, this seems weird. I don't think someone would say this to someone else. You may want to change it. I guess you're her weakness. Oh, and technically she is a shorty. She's seventeen and shorter than five-feet You don't need the dash in between "five" and "feet".."
"How--?" he broke off, not wanting to hear what her answer was going to be. "You're just a shallow, low-life jerk." Before she could reply, he ran in the same direction as Bethany.
"Chauncey, please, stop!" Jade called after him, suddenly sounding apologetic. Fake apologetic.
He didn't turn around; he just kept running toward his best friend's house.

Bethany lie on her made-up bed face down in the pillow, hoping no one could hear her crying. This sentence sounds awkward to me. I had a hard time understanding it. I think you may want to use "Lay" instead of "lie". I think there should be a comma or a semi-colon (not sure which one) between "bed" and "face", too.
Suddenly, the door opened slightly. "Bethany? It's me," a boy greeted softly. I'm not sure if "greeted" is the right word here. Maybe something along the lines of "said" or "mumbled". Just a suggestion.
Her breathing stopped for one moment.
"Are you okay?" he questioned, coming a little closer.
She dared to look at him. "Why do you care?" she asked bitterly through clenched teeth.
"Because you're my friend, and I'll always care about you," he replied kind-heartedly. After a moment of awkward silence, he continued, "May I...sit beside you?"
She slowly sat up, placing a feather pillow behind her back so she didn't lean against the wooden backboard of her bed. "You do what you want to do, don't you? Why do you need my permission to do something?"
He sat beside her, barely touching her shoulder. "I'm really sorry about what happened earlier. I didn't want to kiss her. But...why did you get so mad?"
"You mean you can't figure it out?" she replied, staring at him coldly. Behind the tears and coldness in her expression, Chauncey could just make out warmth...and love.
It finally hit him. He felt like someone just smacked him across the cheek. "You like me?" he thought out loud, disbelief in his voice.
She didn't reply, just stared at him with sapphire colored eyes.
"Ah, I can't believe I'm so stupid!" he whisper loudly, smacking his head with his hand.
Bethany grabbed his hand that covered his face and pulled it away, holding it in his lap. "You're not stupid," she whispered. "I should've told you sooner, but I was scared you wouldn't like me back, or it might risk our friendship, or--"
"Beth, just...stop," he said flatly, looking down at his hand entwined in her small hand. "I...I...."
She saw his expression and let go of his hand immediately. "You don't like me back, do you?" It wasn't really a question she wanted him to answer.
After another moment of silence, he answered, "No."
"I'm sorry," she apologized. "I should've just let you kiss her. I shouldn't have gotten mad. We wouldn't be in this situation if it wasn't for me."
"Why are you apologizing? I'm the one breaking your heart." He suddenly got a grin on his face.
"What...?" Bethany said confusedly.
"Just because I don't like you right now, doesn't mean I won't grow to like you," he explained. "We could still date."
"What? I mean, I don't want to date you if you don't feel the same way about me and--"
"Come on, Beth, you want to date me, don't you?"
"Well, yeah, but I don't want to beg you to do something you don't want to do."
"I do want to date you, though," he explained sweetly. "I want to try it. The worst that could happen is we go back to being friends."
The tears all left Bethany's face and she smiled. "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure."
After some thought, she said, "Promise me one thing."
He wrapped his arm around her and dangled his hand over her shoulder. "What's that?"
"Promise if we don't work out, we'll never lose our friendship. We'll always be best friends no matter what."
"I promise," he pledged, gazing down at her.
She grinned. She leaned her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes. She had had so many dreams of him holding her, and now it was finally happening.

Alright. So, I liked this. Your grammar and punctuation is good. I only found a few mistakes in that department. I do have a few nit-picks, though.
First, the conversation between Bethany and Chauncey. I found it kind of awkward. I'm not sure if, in real life, this would happen. If it would, it would definitely have some argumentative parts and it wouldn't go by this quickly. I'm not sure if Chauncey would go along with this that easily and I don't think Bethany would have been able to keep such control over her emotions if she really likes Chauncey.
Second, Jade. She seemed very school-girlish. Not very upset that Chauncey cared about Bethany. I don't know if that was kind of the point, but it's just a thought.
Those are really my only nit-picks. Overall, it was good.
PM me if you have any questions.

Hey there
You've got some great dialog going on in this piece--nice job!
My personal opinion (which you don't have to acknowledge, of course) is that this story would have been much better if you expanded it by making it into a longer short story or a novella. It seems to be a classic chick-lit/YA story with no special pizazz or ideas. Your descriptions are great, but I am interested in knowing more about your characters: what are they like? How long have Chauncey and Bethany been friends? What's their friendship really like? Should Chauncey have noticed that Bethany had feelings for him? And what about Jade-- I want to know if she's the really popular girl who just likes to bounce around with boys or if she's had it in for Bethany for a while.
Like I said, it's great writing and definitely a lot of feeling, but I'd like to see some more of it.