eh.. just a short story, sometimes I hear about things happening and what not. I write a v. brief story about it, and whatnot... heres one of 'em after my friend killed herself...
''I HATE YOU GUYS! YOU NEVER TREAT ME WITH RESPECT! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST TRUST ME!'' the girl screams, facing her parents in the dismal family room. She turns and runs out of the room, ignoring her parents pleading her to come back.
Angrily she raced up the stairs, running into her bedroom. She slamed the door shut, throwing herself across the bed. The girl cried herself to sleep. After a time, she woke up to find night has fallen. The girl creeped into the other room, and turned on the computer. She falls deep into the web of the Internet, ignoring time, ignoring everything around her. She is alone. She checked for messages, only one, she replies to it, with only half a heart, within minutes she is spilling out the entire story. How her parents don't trust her, they don't let her be who she wants to be. She wished she had friends, some people to talk to, but she is alone. All the time. She cut her friend off with a, ''... I just can't take it...''
The next day, her parents woke up to find their daughter in the bathroom, dead. She had slit her throat, her pain has now ended, but the grief has only begun. Nobody knew the way she felt, nobody knew how alone she was. Nobody will ever know.
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay....this is a really powerful account here, you can certainly get a sense of some raw emotion here as you read through the piece. Its rather sort of rushed and seems to only really laser focus on this one or two intense moments before the sort of big climactic moment at the end is almost sort of brushed aside a little. Its a very interesting way to structure a story but I think it does make a lot of sense for this structure to be what it is.
I think you've done a great job there with the sort of moment where a bit of a meltdown happen and for once I think the all caps there was used at a moment where it actually added something to the piece instead of being a distraction. The almost sort of quiet sadness but still building tension with the internet scene adds an interesting contrast to the opening scene along with also acting as the final sort of moment of tension before its all just let loose in that very final paragraph which is so short but so powerful in the few words it has.
It just adds an interesting extra dimension to things with the whole almost detached matter of fact nature of how those last very chilling lines are delivered. I think on the whole it all comes together to form a very powerful piece here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Last thing:
timjim: never never never never never never never never never tell someone that something they wrote isn't a story. It's not up to you. It's up to the writer. That's like telling someone their poem isn't a poem. Okay? Good. Glad that we're clear.
I'm so sorry, ladydark, if you did lose a friend like this. That is absolutely horrible. Even for something so short, it was emotionally stirring. Honestly, it moved me. I've had a good friend who shot himself and I was devastated. Luckily he lived. There are a few spelling errors and you do slip into past tense once, but I think this is best in present tense.
I wish I could help you out with this, but it feels sort of like a poem to me. Something special to your heart. If you want to, fix the flips from past to present, and the spelling. If you don't want to, leave it as it is. It's good. It made me hurt, so at least you know you caught the readers feelings.
hearts and hugs
~Misty
firstly *hugs* i seriously can't imagine what its like to lose a friend, resently a friend of a friend ended her life and it was all because of stupid school bullies and secondly i totally agree with hekategirl.
1. Do not change tense within your story, except in rare circumstances when you know exactly what you are doing. Generally, the past tense (the perfect, to be gramatically correct) is the best bet.
2. Slamed should be slammed.
3. This is not really a story, but it could be part of a story. You have a conflict which is the central part of a plot, but you have no events to support it.
Oh, so sad...
I don't how to respond to this, it could use work (But I don't think it is the type of story you work on) but it is very good already, it filled me with great emotion. Maybe change some of the things like "screams" and "angrily" to something a little more powerful. I am truly sorry about your friend. 