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by ladydark

I am frightened. Something is different, something is wrong. Where am I? I don’t remember this place. I can’t speak, I can’t move. Wait, someone is coming. I can hear them approach. A door is opening, and they enter this room. This room is windowless, and dark. For some reason, I am afraid of this person. Why?

In another part of the building, a young girl struggled against the bonds that held her. She growled at the masked workers around her. They scribbled on clipboards they held, making notes, observing her. Soon, they all left the room, leaving the girl alone. She breathed heavily as she kept straining against the restraints.

A hoarse chuckle echoed the room. The girl turned her head and saw a young man strapped to another table. “It is no use. Those restraints cannot be broken. Mine can however,” he told her. He grinned wickedly and demonstrated. The straps holding him broke easily as he pushed against them. He slid off the table and wandered over to the girl.

The girl looked up at him, terror showing in her bright golden eyes. He ran a finger down the cold metal table, watching her closely. He stood in front of her and smiled a bit. “I’ve been here two years. The tests they do are unbearable, did you know that?” he told her, walking around the room.

Who is this person? What do they want from me? I can’t speak, I can’t move. I feel funny, something isn’t right. The person left, whoever it was. Wait, I can move, slightly. I look down at myself, and let out a mournful cry. This isn’t my body, what have they done with me? I let out a shudder and cry again. I see paws, and claws. I have fur, dark and coarse.

I let out an angry growl as I struggle against the bonds that hold me. I bite and snap at the rope. My fangs and predator teeth are cutting through the flimsy rope. I free myself and slide off the table. I prowl around the room, sniffing. My tail is long, feathery. My body is lean, and solid. I am not just any predator. I am a wolf.

The room itself was bare, no windows and only one door. The man walked back to her and stood in front of her, staring at her quizzically. “You haven’t been tested, have you? You’re new. You’re different then the others. Why is that?” he questioned. He drummed his fingers against the table, waiting for an answer. When he got none, he looked at her closely.

The girl was glaring at him silently, pulling on one of the straps again. The young man watched her struggle and smiled faintly, “What would you do if you got free of the table? There is no place to go, except to the kingdom of the dead.”

The girl was set on freeing herself, pulling harder. The man sighed and looked at her, “If you promise not to scream, or try to escape, I’ll untie you.” The girl nodded quickly and looked at him. He walked over to the side of the table, and went to work untying the straps restraining her.

When the last strap was untied, the girl slid down the table and landed on the floor. She stood up slowly and stretched out her cramped muscles. He watched her curiously and smiled, “My name is Andras, what is yours?” The girl eyed him and shrugged, walking slowly about.

“I do not remember my name. I remember nothing,” she replied quietly. She sat down on a level table, looking at him. He was tall, and slender. His dirty blonde hair was short cropped, his eyes a piercing green. His face was handsome, his mouth quick to smile. The girl smiled a bit and looked around, “What is this place exactly? How did you come to be here?”

I prowl around the room. Sniffing the floor and walls, I growl angrily. Why am I here? This room smells funny. Other animals have been here. Its been cleaned, badly, but the smell is there. What animals, why other animals? Who are these people, and why were they putting animals in this room. I hope whatever happened to them doesn’t happen to me.

Someone is coming again, but I don’t like this. Something doesn’t feel right about this place. The person didn’t stay this time. They didn’t even enter the room. Just looked at me, like I was some kind of freak.

The boy shook his head, “So many questions. Quiet down or else you’ll bring the workers back. We’re in a facility, isolated from everything. I don’t know how I came to be here. I want to get out of this place.” He walked around the table to the door, “one way in, one way out. I don’t know how these doors work though. They are unlike anything I’ve ever seen. We can’t get out of this room alone, we need a worker.” He ran his slender fingers along the cracks of the door, studying it.

The girl went over to the door and stood near it. She touched the door lightly, and pulled back her hand. The door was cold and hard. She looked at the door then at him, The youth glanced at her and back at the door, still examining it. “You don’t remember your name do you. We should think of a name. Your eyes though, remind me the colour of the stars. How about we call you Star?” he asked her, stepping back from the door.

“I like that name, sure,” she answered as quietly as possible. She froze, staring at the door. A single set of footsteps was heard, and Star glanced at Andras. Backing away from the door, Star stood to one side, holding still. Andras moved to the other side as the door slid open. The worker entered the room and stared at the empty beds. Star leapt at the worker and they fell to the floor. He motioned the worker to be quiet as he glanced at the door. Andras grabbed some of the ropes from an empty table and tied up the worker.

Andras looked down the hall, and stepped out into the hallway. The hallway was long, windowless with blinding white walls. The room they were in was at the end of the hall. There was no source of light, but the hall was as bright as daylight. Andras led the way down the hall, watching and listening carefully for any workers. A howl echoed the hallway as Star jumped. She raced towards the sound noiselessly. She stopped in front of a door and growled quietly. “Something is in here. It feels familiar, can you get this door open?” she muttered to Andras who caught up with her. He nodded and pressed a button on a remote that he stole from the worker.

The door slid open to reveal a large, black she-wolf. The wolf growled and stalked over to the door. The wolf’s eyes were green, unnatural for a wolf. Star moved over to the wolf and knelt down in front of it.

Where am I? What is this place? I want out. Where are people? Let me out, I want out and I want out now. I howl and paw at the door, but no one is coming. Wait, someone is here. Who is it? Why do they seem familiar, do I know them? The door slid open, revealing two humans. One is short; her hair is long, red and sleek. Her eyes gold, and her smell. The smell of her is something I should know. Wait a second. That’s me, but if I’m here, who’s in my body? What have they done with us?

(not finished yet, almost though)

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22 Reviews

Points: 1040
Reviews: 22

Thu Jan 11, 2007 6:08 pm
Kinsley wrote a review...

“You don’t remember your name do you."
You need a question mark at the end.

I agree. It is a good idea but the point of view is confusing. The sentences are a little choppy too. And I did understand the ending. It was like the workers switched the bodies, right?

Can't wait until you post the rest of it.
Good luck on your paper for English!

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Wed Jan 03, 2007 6:32 pm
blotty says...

very interesting the idea really grabs the mind if you iron out a few creases in tense and o forth it could amazing. hope to see the rest of it at some point.

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80 Reviews

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Reviews: 80

Tue Jan 02, 2007 10:22 pm
ladydark says...

heh, the little paragraphs are supposed to be italics, but i cant do it on YWS. I never said she was tied up for a while, only him, and I just put in the updated verson that still needs work. Also, it doesnt have an ending yet, so this is only part of it. I'm continuing to work on it, and I know its a bit confusing, but I can only make it 4-10 pages double spaced, and that is at 4..

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Tue Jan 02, 2007 6:20 am
Sam wrote a review...

Hmm, I'd agree with Claudette- but it might be kind of cool if you put those little paragraphs were you are speaking in present tense in italics. That way, it's sort of 'reading their minds', and it'd be kind of an interesting twist...

This was a cool story- it was a good idea, and really carried suspense throughout the whole piece. However, you kind of lost me with the she-wolf thing at the end. What was that? How'd it get there? ...that sort of thing.

My other qualm was that you didn't really keep the characters' physical reactions to their surroundings in mind (or at least, it didn't seem like it). Star and Andras wouldn't be quite so hot after being bound up, waiting for torture for what seems like years- and Star probably wouldn't be 'graceful'. Her movements would be stiff and painful.

If you keep in mind what would happen to ordinary people under such dire circumstances, it'll help make your piece even cooler and believable than it already is. It's tough to convince a lot of readers- once they get a whiff of the whole fantasty thing- that it's going to be a good story. So, for some universal appeal...go for the physical reactions. :D

If you've got any questions, feel free to PM me.

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2058 Reviews

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Tue Jan 02, 2007 1:25 am
Emerson wrote a review...

Your tenses are kind of screwed up here and there. You start out in present, then (in the second paragraph) try to be in past, but still have a hint of present. Find a tense, and stick to it.

A hoarse chuckle echoed the room.
It looks like you are missing a word.

He stood in front of her and smiled a bit.
I don't think I've ever seen someone smile 'a bit'. You either smile, or you don't.

Yeah, you need to work on staying in Point of View and staying in tense, because it starts to get really out of place and lost. You have to stay consistent, or you'll confuse (and anger) the reader.

his eyes a piercing green.
Eyes are always piercing, aren't they? Try to be original in your descriptions.

It's interesting, sort of. It's a lot of "He did this." and "She did that." and "This happened" so its actually pretty boring to read. Try showing us whats happening instead of telling us. It would help a lot for you to stay in characters, it would also help to describe the scenery and the mood. I can't really care about your characters, because I know so little (actually, nothing) about them.

If you fixed it up and did some more showing, and gave us description, and got creative, it might be better. Also, when you start dialog, make a new paragraph. That way the dialog isn't in the middle of the paragraph, it should be the start of a paragraph.

"You may deem me romantic, my dear sister, but I bitterly feel the want of a friend."
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein