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Young Writers Society



The Beginning of a Legend.

by ladydark


An enthusiastic young lady stood on a grassy knoll over looking some training fields. She shivered in excitement and glanced over at her companion, her emerald green eyes wide as she continued to look around. “Is this truly happening? Am I truly going to train at this place Willard?” she said, shifting from foot to foot anxiously. Willard chuckled at his youngest sister’s enthusiasm.

“Yes sister, its true. Welcome to the Warrior Preparation Encampment. Here you will be trained, and taught the ways of a warrior. If you survive this, you can continue on to more serious, and harder training courses,” he said formally. His hand resting on the hilt of his sword proudly, as he watched his sister closely. She had stopped shifting and stood still, taking in the sight of the encampment, her face was set in determination. She was tall for her age, and her body was toned from the exercises he had taught her. His sister glanced at him and grinned, hopping a bit towards the edge of the hill. He chuckled and nodded slowly.

The two of them headed down the slippery hill carefully. Willard pointed out the various training grounds that were visible as they went along. The archery fields, a blacksmith, a tanner, the stables, and so on. She absorbed it all, growing more excited as they neared the bottom of the hill. She noticed a large, flat piece of ground was fenced in and inquired about it. He explained that if one so chose to, one could learn to ride and become a mounted warrior. Few could afford it though, and finally they reached the bottom of the hill. He led his sister over to a large, solid looking wooden building. Willard turned to his sister and pointed to a wooden bench, “Sit there. Do not move. I have to go finish some things up. I won’t be long, okay?”

The girl nodded and went over, sitting down on the bench. Willard eyed her cautiously and headed inside the building. The girl sighed and crossed her arms over her chest, leaning back against the wall, staring up at the sky. “Oy, lookie there mates. A new lassie has come to join us.” She sat up quickly and looked for the source of the taunting voice. A group of young men appeared a few feet in front of her. They smirked and looked upon the poor girl. “I don’t know if this little one can hold up. Hey, lass, what’s ye name?” the voice came from the tall, handsome young man at the front of the group.

The man held the ease and confidence of someone who wasn’t defied often. His ruddy red coloured hair was cropped short. His eyes were a piercing green that rivalled the new girls own. The lass looked up at the young man and raised an eyebrow slightly, “I’m sorry, were you talking to me?” she replied lightly, glancing at the other men in the group. Most were solid in stature, and held the looks of someone who spent a lot of time outside, no matter what the weather.

The speaker glowered at her and stepped closer, “I was, girl, and I would prefer an answer instead of your sass,” he growled quietly in his deep voice. The girl stood up and glared up into the man’s eyes.

Even though she barely stood as high as his shoulder, she seemed taller as she moved a bit closer to the young man. Her balled hands placed firmly on her hips, “Well, that’s too bad. I won’t give you an answer until you change your attitude,” she retorted. Much to her surprise, the young man burst into a melodious laugh. The group laughed as well, moving closer to the two people, surrounding them a bit.

“Aye, I suppose I do need to change my attitude a bit. What do you lads think?” the first man grinned and looked around at his friends. A few shook their heads as the man turned his attention back to the girl. He held out his hand as he smiled, “The names Ismael.” The girl looked at him cautiously, and reached out her hand. At that moment, Willard came back outside and looked at the group.

“Isabel, what have you done now?” Willard inquired as Isabel pulled back her hand and walked over to her brother quickly. She stood beside him as Willard glanced at the group. “I’m sure these trainees have better stuff to do then just hang around,” he told Isabel, loud enough for the young men to hear.

Ismael nodded his head at Willard and smiled at Isabel, “Nice to meet you, Isabel.” He turned and headed off down the dusty path. The group followed him, glancing back at Willard and Isabel. The group disappeared around the corner as Willard looked at his sister curiously.

She looked back and shrugged, “They were introducing themselves to me.” Willard sighed and shook his head slowly. He took Isabel by the arm and led her down a small cobbled pathway. The path took them to a small building surrounded by an overgrown garden. The building was one level with a few doors leading inside.

It was a dismal place, but Isabel looked at it eagerly. Willard took her too the farthest door to the right, and took out a key. Unlocking the door he pushed it open, revealing a large, well furnished room. Sunlight streamed in from the windows on the far wall. The bed was made and Isabel’s trunks were stored against the wall. Willard looked at her and hugged her tightly, “Good luck little sister…”

Isabel returned his hug and held on, then pulled away. “I hope I don’t let you down,” she whispered quietly. She looked around the room and then back at her brother.

Willard chuckled and shook his head. “You won’t, you never do,” he replied, kissing her forehead before turning away and heading out the door into the sunlight. Isabel closed the door and lay across her bed. She was thinking about what she had got herself into when a loud rap on the door interrupted her thoughts.

(heh, haven't worked on this much. This is all I've got down so far but I'm hesitant on writing more of it..)


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Fri Sep 21, 2007 11:15 am
kizacolo says...



Good start. ^^^I noticed same thing




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Sun Sep 09, 2007 7:25 am
Vincent wrote a review...



Its a great story!

but at one stage they are looking at a wooden building and then she sits on a wooden bench.
using the same word like that doesn't sound right. maybe you should refer to it only as a bench. i believe the readers will understand.

but a fantastic story nonetheless! and we really want to find out who's knocking on the door!




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Fri Dec 15, 2006 10:07 pm
-KayJuran- says...



Well, I can see the formatting looks a lot better. More paragraphs = good. ;)




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Fri Dec 15, 2006 9:43 pm
ladydark says...



Fixed alot, hope its better..




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Fri Dec 15, 2006 12:29 pm
-KayJuran- wrote a review...



Okay, I'm going to write anything I see down as I read, then I'll put any first impressions or thoughts about the characters at the end. Here goes...

She shivered in excitement and glanced over at her companion. Her emerald green eyes wide as she continued to look around.


I would put a comma there, instead of the full-stop. At the moment, the second sentence doesn't make so much sense.

“Yes sister, its true. Welcome to the Warrior Preparation Encampment. Here you will be trained, and taught the ways of a warrior. If you survive this, you can continue on to more serious, and harder training courses,” he said formally. His hand resting on the hilt of his sword proudly, as he watched his sister closely. After a time, the two of them headed down the slippery hill carefully. Willard pointed out stuff as they went along, and when they reached the bottom of the hill, he led his sister over to a large, solid looking wooden building. Willard turned to his sister and pointed to a wooden bench, “Sit there. Do not move. I have to go finish some things up. I won’t be long, okay?”


I would start a new paragraph before this sentence: After a time, the two of them headed down the slippery hill carefully. as they're moving somewhere, and just to break it up a little.

Also:

“Yes sister, its true. Welcome to the Warrior Preparation Encampment. Here you will be trained, and taught the ways of a warrior. If you survive this, you can continue on to more serious, and harder training courses,” he said formally. His hand resting on the hilt of his sword proudly, as he watched his sister closely.


Perhaps you could show her reaction after he says this, seeing as he's watching her so closely. It could let us in on her character as well.

Willard pointed out stuff as they went along


'stuff' seems an odd word to have in a piece of prose such as this. Even putting 'things' would be better, though still, try not to overuse that one. Perhaps show some examples? I don't know what's in this world, as I imagine it's something like fantasy, but you could quite easily point out swans, warriors fighting, weapons... the list goes on.

“Oy, lookie there mates. A new lassie has come to join us.


Okay, first of all, this made me laugh. That's not a bad thing though, so don't worry. ;)

I love how the dialogue is just so different to the man before. The whole slang thing, and then lassie sounds sorta scottish too.

One thing though: You should really have this as a new paragraph, as a new person is speaking.

came from the tall, strikingly handsome young man at the front of the group.


tall, strikingly handsome young man... -- that's a whole lot of adjectives. Perhaps tone it down a little, then describe him in more detail later on or in a new sentence if you have to.

The lass looked up at the young man and raised an eyebrow slightly, “I’m sorry, were you talking to me?” she replied lightly, glancing at the other men in the group. Most were solid in stature, and held the looks of someone who spent a lot of time outside, no matter what the weather.


This makes we wonder how old the girl is... as well as how much power she has. I'm assuming at this point that she does have a fair amount of power, as her brother seems pretty high up. Thing is, when we first meet her, she seems very young, as well as excitable. Here, she's in control, and seems older than I first thought...

The speaker glowered at her and stepped closer to her, “I was, girl, and I would prefer an answer instead of your sass,” he growled quietly in his deep voice. The girl stood up and glared up into the man’s eyes.


Hehe, I like this bit. I've got the image in my mind now, and I can see these two characters clashing. I especially like what the guy says. Good dialogue, I think.

Only thing here is that you could probably get rid of the 'to her' in the first line.

“Well, that’s too bad. I won’t give you an answer until you change your attitude,” she retorted. Much to her surprise, the young man burst into a melodious laugh. The group laughed as well, moving closer to the two people, surrounding them a bit.

“Aye, I suppose I do need to change my attitude a bit. What do you lads think?” the first man grinned and looked around at his friends. A few shook their heads as the man turned his attention back to the girl. He held out his hand as he smiled, “The names Ismael.” The girl looked at him cautiously, and reached out her hand. At that moment, Willard came back outside and looked at the group.


When the girl speaks, give her her own paragraph, as it's a new person speaking.

I like how they all just burst out laughing, and end up shaking hands. T'is good, 'specially with the tension build-up you had beforehand. I was almost expecting one or the other to throw a punch, so I like this part.

“Isabel, what have you done now?” Willard inquired as Isabel pulled back her hand and walked over to her brother quickly. She stood behind him as Willard glanced at the group. “I’m sure these trainees have better stuff to do then just idle about like this,” he told Isabel, loud enough for the young men to hear.


Perhaps I'm wrong, but I don't think 'idle' is a verb... You could change it to something else though. For example:

"I'm sure these trainees have better things to do than just hang around here..."

...but obviously, try and think up something yourself.

Also, I would imagine that Willard could almost be a problem for her, if there was anyone she didn't get on with. The other trainees could accuse her of using her brother to hide behind for example. Just a thought though.

“Nice to meet you, Isabel.” He turned and headed off down the dusty path, the group following as Willard looked at his sister curiously. She looked back and shrugged, “They were introducing themselves to me.”


Both Ismael and Isabel need their own paragraph. Also, I've just noticed how similar their names are... Not that that's a huge problem, but sometimes people might misread them, and get characters muddled or something.

Willard sighed and shook his head slowly. He took Isabel by the arm and led her down a small cobbled pathway. The path took them to a small building surrounded by an overgrown garden. The building was one level with a few doors leading inside. It was a dismal place, but Isabel looked at it eagerly. Willard took her too the farthest door to the right, and took out a key. Unlocking the door he pushed it open, revealing a large, well furnished room. Sunlight streamed in from the windows on the far wall. The bed was made and Isabel’s trunks were stored against the wall.


At first, I wondered why this place in particular deserved so much description, but then I realised: this is her room, isn't it? That'd explain why she's looking at it so eagerly, despite being dismal.

Willard looked at her and hugged her tightly, “Good luck little sister…” Isabel returned his hug and held on, then pulled away. “I hope I don’t let you down,” she whispered quietly. Willard chuckled and shook his head, “You won’t, you never do,” he replied, kissing her forehead before turning away and heading out the door into the sunlight. Isabel closed the door and lay across her bed. She was thinking about what she had got herself into when a loud rap on the door interrupted her thoughts.


Again, work on paragraphing.

I love how it ends... good cliffhanger. What I like about that last line, is that it could be anyone knocking on her door. Possibly Ismael, or maybe some rival/antagonist that we haven't met yet. Could be interesting...

Okay. First impressions:

I like what you've got going here. There are a few things you need to work on - paragraphing mostly when it comes to grammar - but there are parts I really like, and I'd like to see where it goes next.

Perhaps, one way to make it even better would be to print it out and try to see where you could have more description, or where you could take some out, that sort of thing.

Characters:

Isabel -- As I said before, I'm a little confused about her age. Maybe you could make this clearer somehow? I can't really give examples here, as I'm not too sure what you're going for.

Willard -- He seems like someone in charge, pretty high up and powerful. The way he speaks makes him sound fairly upper class compared to Ismael as well.

Ismael -- Obviously a born leader, with that group of men following him round, and he seems quite charismatic. I guess you couldn't get too bored with him around. ;) Love the way he speaks, though it's dramatically different to how Isabel and Willard speak.

I'd love to see you carry on with this, so don't give up!! I want to know who's knocking on her door. ;)

Have fun writing...

Kay.


(Critting for the Cabassi)





If you are tired remember it's a sign that you haven't expired
— fatherfig