Wake up from a nightmare in the morning at three
Look out my window, and what do I see?
The night sky is crying, it's weeping with me.
Wipe all the sweat from my neck and my brow;
Check on my family- "Look, they're safe, calm down now!"
But I just can't stop shaking, no way, no how.
That's how my day started. Dawn came, grey and wet.
I went through the motions with my fake smile set.
Home, school, and back, with tears always a threat.
The face that I show them, so happy and gay,
Is breaking down slowly and crumbling away.
The people around me don't sense my pain today.
Everything hurts from my head to my toes.
My skin prickles and burns, and nobody knows.
I don't want them to see me so bare and exposed.
Sometimes I feel just like the mask that I wear:
Sunny and happy, not a fret, not a care.
But the pain comes on quickly and smothers that flare.
No one can know 'cause no one will believe
That my life is pretend and my words, they deceive.
My mind's like a wind storm and my thoughts are like leaves.
I can't be around them- not here and not now
This mask can't stay up for too long, so I've found.
Outside it's still raining. Rain is a wonderful sound!
The air is wet and heavy, the rain is coming fast.
It's cool and it's calming- clarity, at last!
In the gathering dusk, I see the worst is past.
This morning when I saw the grey in the sky
I knew nature wept with me; someone heard me cry!
So though the clouds shed tears, my eyes are dry.
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140,210 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
Hi! Alice here to review your poem
First of all, I like the poem. It has great metaphors and it describes sadness well.
Milanimo said stanzas would help separate the lines, and I agree. The lines with rhyming words should be together and the next ones should be separated.
Where you say "No wayn no how" I think this might have been a typing mistake, it should be "no way, no how"
"My words, they deceive" Deceive is the act of misleading someone. It does whyme but it doesn't really make sense in the context it's in.
Like Milanimo said, you say "The air is wet and heavy, the rain's coming fast" Rain is coming fast would make more sense.
I hope I made sense and this helps you! <3
~Alice
Hi! Read the description and I'm here to help! First off, let me say that I really like this poem! It captures sadness and anxiety in great detail!
I wonder, though, if you'd like to use stanzas. It's all up to you of course, but I guess you could say I love stanzas in my poetry! It creates a clear breakup of ideas, and signifies when you're moving onto a new thought, otherwise I don't know where to pause. I recommend this especially because you have rhyming triplets, and might want to separate each group of three. Also if you want to have stanzas, this will eliminate periods from the end of some lines.
Anyway here are my critiques:
"Bu" in the 6th line. Needs to be changed to "But".
"No way and no how." in the 6th line could be changed to "No way, no how" instead. The conjunction is not needed.
"I'm sunny and happy, not a fret, not a care." The "I'm" can be removed because it's not the current state. The rest of the line is where the metaphor is.
"The mask can't stay up for too long, so I've found." Possibly change to "This" instead of "The"? It's what is currently being described, so "this" would work just as well.
Might I suggest changing the "rain's" and "air's" words back to "rain is" and "air is"? The apostrophe kind of threw me off while reading.
My last suggestion is the fourth to last line. Instead of "in the dusk", "in the dark" might sound a bit smoother.
Wonderful work! I hope you feel better and that you won't feel too low that you think you have no one! I know what it's like, feel free to message me! Keep writing!
Thanks for the advice! They were all great suggestions, and I think you've really helped me out. I just didn't want to take the word "dusk" out, since I feel it's key, so I changed the rest of the line around.
Sure! And that's fine! It still sounds good.
I didn't know you cried =D. You are human!