Young Writers Society

Yo.

Jimmy here

It's Review Day! Thought I would pop in and give ya my thoughts on ya work.

My customary disclaimer; Grammar is not my strong suit. Can't help ya there. Also, don't really have a great filter from my head to my mouth (or my keys) so if I say something you take personal, just know I didn't mean it.

It's time to Re-re-re-re-view!

1) The first work has a lot of long, bordering on run on sentences. Some of the sections in the middle would be best served to be broken up a little and made into shorter sections. The meaning will remain the same, but the work will be easier to follow. Or, you could add more variation (long v. short)

2) This first work is done in a stream of thought style, so I'll work from there.

"No, no the world will not judge you at all."

You're gonna need a harder transition here to make it clear that you are not contradicting yourself. Now, not to say you are now, but I thinking something a little more powerful would really help you solidify that transition.

3) Great wording. This goes along with the first comment but I would love to see you connect those powerful words together more. Adding a period at the end of some of those sentences really helps to nail in those dark and engaging words. Make them stand out and don't lose them in the middle of a long sentence.

4) Ok, on to the second section. Good overall, nice use of the second person, but still, the nitpick inside me has a few critiques. The first thing that stuck out to me was the word "passionate". You do a really good job setting up her mindset in the beginning, but a word like passionate just doesn't seem to "fit" with the rest of the work. The first section is dark and slightly depressing (which you did a great job of communicating with the reader) so I would keep that tone that you've set up by finding darker, more somber word choices. I would also recommend the same for a lot of the more "jovial" words later. (I recommend "consumed" in place of passionate.)

5) Great last line. Great message. Bravo.

That's it for me. Great job on the works. I def think you should add them in somewhere. They are both quite moving.

Have a great review day,

Cheers,

A laughing apple.

I was moved when I read this, so that should tell you that you did brilliantly!

First of all, the first story: I think you showed lots of passion in this, which made this so much harsh, a harsh truth in a way. It tells you the hard truth because the world does judge you, it does blame you. Everything that it throws at you, you need to be ready for, and while it might not be something a person reading this wants to hear, they have to.

I especially liked the comparisons to different scenes in your life. From being born, naked, to dying, taking one breath before sleeping for eternity. I think that's what really got me. But what I found humorous in it, was the example of the President of the U.S.!xD I'll take a guess and say this was a reference to Donald Trump? I'm sure it was, but either way, this first story was very well made, It was definitely well thought out.


Now the second one: This one was more inspiring in only a few sentences, only because you describe a girl, who in her journey to be part of something, she doesn't realize what is right i front of her, and I loved that. We need to, as they say, "stop and smell the roses". Not in a vacation way, but to look around, in a desert we know as the world, and to find yourself being a flower, growing without help, just water and sugar, that made me realize what lots of us miss out on. Some miss out on different time periods of their life because they're busy looking for a special thing. And some, like you portrayed here, don't even notice they're missing something, or in this case, someone. So I really liked this, the first and the second story.

I can't wait to hear more from you in the future! Keep up the fantastical work friend!


~ Lake

Lovely repetition throughout the part of 'The world'. I love the use of 2nd person. Saying that it is us that will be sentenced due to it. I already love how it turned into something which torments the reader to something which points out with effort you can triumph, even if it is something very little. However, the 2nd one is the opposite. Brings from something nice and ends with 'she was nearly destroyed'. That it can happen either way. That life is a mystery.
Rate the 1st one 7.7/10
Rate the 2nd one 4.3/10 [Sorry, but I don't thick it was worth due to hardly and good details]