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16+

something about the world

by kostia


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

The following are two separate piece, not yet edited. I want to include the somehow in my book I just haven't figured where ecactly yet. Please let me know what do you think

You have to be ready for it because the world will judge you. The world will judge harsher than anyone you know. Because the world will not only judge you for what you are. No, no the world will not judge you at all. The world will blame you. It will blame you for everything you are, everything you ever wished to be, everything you could be, everything you were and everything you will be from the moment you are thrown into it till you draw your very last breath. Because that's what the world does and if you are not brutally thrown into life, naked and alone like the moment you were born, little and helpless against the unknown, you will never learn and you will never be anything significant. Don't take me wrong you may never be anything significant at all. No matter how hard you try or how honest and pure and accurate you are. But at least you can eventually, with much effort and work become something that is worthy mentioning in a drunk conversation or small talk . No one will ever manage to be something more than that not even the god damn president of the United States or the first person on the moon or even papa Hemingway. Sometime you will get familiarized with that simple truth and then, only then will you be able and free to become who you truly are.

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She was never bothered with the need to be part of something, to belong. In fact she was so certain that she would never belong anywhere, that she would never meet anyone like her, that she would never fit in. She was so passionate with that belief that it fascinated her, it motivated and moved her so much that it actually made her feel as part of something, part of something higher and purposeful. And that is why when she met him, she was nearly destroyed.


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52 Reviews


Points: 1508
Reviews: 52

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Sun Jan 28, 2018 12:49 am
jimss23 wrote a review...



Yo.

Jimmy here

It's Review Day! Thought I would pop in and give ya my thoughts on ya work.

My customary disclaimer; Grammar is not my strong suit. Can't help ya there. Also, don't really have a great filter from my head to my mouth (or my keys) so if I say something you take personal, just know I didn't mean it.

It's time to Re-re-re-re-view!

1) The first work has a lot of long, bordering on run on sentences. Some of the sections in the middle would be best served to be broken up a little and made into shorter sections. The meaning will remain the same, but the work will be easier to follow. Or, you could add more variation (long v. short)

2) This first work is done in a stream of thought style, so I'll work from there.

"No, no the world will not judge you at all."

You're gonna need a harder transition here to make it clear that you are not contradicting yourself. Now, not to say you are now, but I thinking something a little more powerful would really help you solidify that transition.

3) Great wording. This goes along with the first comment but I would love to see you connect those powerful words together more. Adding a period at the end of some of those sentences really helps to nail in those dark and engaging words. Make them stand out and don't lose them in the middle of a long sentence.

4) Ok, on to the second section. Good overall, nice use of the second person, but still, the nitpick inside me has a few critiques. The first thing that stuck out to me was the word "passionate". You do a really good job setting up her mindset in the beginning, but a word like passionate just doesn't seem to "fit" with the rest of the work. The first section is dark and slightly depressing (which you did a great job of communicating with the reader) so I would keep that tone that you've set up by finding darker, more somber word choices. I would also recommend the same for a lot of the more "jovial" words later. (I recommend "consumed" in place of passionate.)

5) Great last line. Great message. Bravo. :)

That's it for me. Great job on the works. I def think you should add them in somewhere. They are both quite moving.

Have a great review day,

Cheers,

A laughing apple.




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125 Reviews


Points: 3476
Reviews: 125

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Sun Jan 28, 2018 12:33 am
LakeOfCancer wrote a review...



I was moved when I read this, so that should tell you that you did brilliantly!

First of all, the first story: I think you showed lots of passion in this, which made this so much harsh, a harsh truth in a way. It tells you the hard truth because the world does judge you, it does blame you. Everything that it throws at you, you need to be ready for, and while it might not be something a person reading this wants to hear, they have to.

I especially liked the comparisons to different scenes in your life. From being born, naked, to dying, taking one breath before sleeping for eternity. I think that's what really got me. But what I found humorous in it, was the example of the President of the U.S.!xD I'll take a guess and say this was a reference to Donald Trump? I'm sure it was, but either way, this first story was very well made, It was definitely well thought out.


Now the second one: This one was more inspiring in only a few sentences, only because you describe a girl, who in her journey to be part of something, she doesn't realize what is right i front of her, and I loved that. We need to, as they say, "stop and smell the roses". Not in a vacation way, but to look around, in a desert we know as the world, and to find yourself being a flower, growing without help, just water and sugar, that made me realize what lots of us miss out on. Some miss out on different time periods of their life because they're busy looking for a special thing. And some, like you portrayed here, don't even notice they're missing something, or in this case, someone. So I really liked this, the first and the second story.

I can't wait to hear more from you in the future! Keep up the fantastical work friend!


~ Lake :)




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Points: 486
Reviews: 5

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Sun Jan 28, 2018 12:20 am
CainTheDoomed wrote a review...



Lovely repetition throughout the part of 'The world'. I love the use of 2nd person. Saying that it is us that will be sentenced due to it. I already love how it turned into something which torments the reader to something which points out with effort you can triumph, even if it is something very little. However, the 2nd one is the opposite. Brings from something nice and ends with 'she was nearly destroyed'. That it can happen either way. That life is a mystery.
Rate the 1st one 7.7/10
Rate the 2nd one 4.3/10 [Sorry, but I don't thick it was worth due to hardly and good details]





A Prince of Darkness Is a Gentleman
— William Shakespeare