Yo.
Jimmy here
It's Review Day! Thought I would pop in and give ya my thoughts on ya work.
My customary disclaimer; Grammar is not my strong suit. Can't help ya there. Also, don't really have a great filter from my head to my mouth (or my keys) so if I say something you take personal, just know I didn't mean it.
It's time to Re-re-re-re-view!
1) The first work has a lot of long, bordering on run on sentences. Some of the sections in the middle would be best served to be broken up a little and made into shorter sections. The meaning will remain the same, but the work will be easier to follow. Or, you could add more variation (long v. short)
2) This first work is done in a stream of thought style, so I'll work from there.
"No, no the world will not judge you at all."
You're gonna need a harder transition here to make it clear that you are not contradicting yourself. Now, not to say you are now, but I thinking something a little more powerful would really help you solidify that transition.
3) Great wording. This goes along with the first comment but I would love to see you connect those powerful words together more. Adding a period at the end of some of those sentences really helps to nail in those dark and engaging words. Make them stand out and don't lose them in the middle of a long sentence.
4) Ok, on to the second section. Good overall, nice use of the second person, but still, the nitpick inside me has a few critiques. The first thing that stuck out to me was the word "passionate". You do a really good job setting up her mindset in the beginning, but a word like passionate just doesn't seem to "fit" with the rest of the work. The first section is dark and slightly depressing (which you did a great job of communicating with the reader) so I would keep that tone that you've set up by finding darker, more somber word choices. I would also recommend the same for a lot of the more "jovial" words later. (I recommend "consumed" in place of passionate.)
5) Great last line. Great message. Bravo.
That's it for me. Great job on the works. I def think you should add them in somewhere. They are both quite moving.
Have a great review day,
Cheers,
A laughing apple.
Points: 1508
Reviews: 52
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