Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.
Prologue
“Come on! It’s right over here!”
“Are you sure!? It’s a long way from Candytopia!”
Running across the grassy fields were two children. One child was blue skin with a green dress and shoes, while the other one was orange with yellow hair and white stripes, wearing blue pants and a shirt with the similar color pattern.
They passed through the streets of a ruined city, sauntering pass broken down cars and debris. They took notice of the tall skyscrapers and the vines that trapped them. Just then, they stopped and stood in front of the entrance to a subway tunnel.
The orange boy smiled victoriously and placed both hands on his hips. He said loudly, “Here it is! I found this tunnel about a day ago and you wouldn’t believe was in it!”
“Los Angeles County Metro Rail? What do you think it means, Danny?” Inquired the blue girl.
“I don’t know, Taffy. Probably, some underground prewar temple, or something. Now, Come on, let me show you what’s down here!”
The two entered the tunnel and the more they transgressed, the darker the tunnel got. Suddenly, a flutter of blue light started emanating at the end. Danny and Taffy looked around and noticed how much of the area was encased in dirt with some of the rails still sticking out of the ground. They turned and saw a dozen blue mushrooms brightening the room. On the wall, there was an oblong –shaped metallic pod with a glass case on the front, revealing a strange creature within it while sleeping in strange liquid.
“What is that? It’s so weird and pretty!” Taffy gasped in awe.
“I don’t know but it’s been around since the war,” Stated Danny observantly. Reaching his hands out, he grabbed the edges of the pod and prepared to lift it up. “Help me with this thing! I bet Queen Sugar is going to love it in her throne room!”
Taffy nodded her head and grabbed the other side. They lifted the pod up and brought it out of the subway tunnel. Unfortunately, right when they exited the entrance, they heard an ominous howl echoing around them.
Danny looked up and cringed at the sight of the sun’s descent. “Oh Gods, we need to get out of here! The mutants are going to be on us like wolves to a lamb!” they picked up speed, carefully running without dropping their cargo as the howls started getting louder.
Suddenly, a large beast leaped right in front of them. Muzzle drooling with a piercing red gaze, it stood about 15-foot-tall, casting a shadow over the children. Head of a wolf and body of a gorilla, the beast was covered in black fur and walked with large robust arms while having short stubby legs.
“A hybrid beast?! Why is it in the ruined city?! Aren’t they suppose to roam in the forest areas?!” Taffy screamed hysterically.
“I don’t know and I don’t want to find out why!”
The two held onto the pod tightly and dashed around the beast, catching it off-guard as they made their escape. Luckily, thanks to its tremendous size and vertically challenged legs, the beast was too slow to catch them on time, which gave them the opportunity to outrun it. However, when the beast got it’s footing, it charged right at them, albeit moderately slow with it’s arms giving it some momentum.
They ran for about five miles, barely stopping to catch a breath. Fortunately, the hybrid beast was no longer chasing them. It probably had gotten tired of trying to catch up to a prey that was faster than it was, and gave up.
“I think we lost it!” said Danny, looking back as he kept running.
“Look! We’re almost there!” Taffy pointed ecstatically.
Right in front of them was a citadel that stretched about 85 acres, surrounded by a 30-metre-tall wall with a thick wooden gate at the front. There was a tall pink & white castle standing at the end, standing about 106-acres-tall; tall enough to be visible in the distance. Outside of the castle was a village that made up about 190,000 square feet of the surrounding area. The eastern sector had an archaic, rustic structure while the western sector had a more futuristic, retro appearance.
The two kids approached the gate.
“Halt! What are you youngins’ doing out that this hour?! Don’t you two know it’s almost passed curfew?!”
They were being examined by one of the guards—a large, robust man that looked like a jawbreaker—staring down at them with a judgmental glare. He stared at the pod they were carrying and gave a soft “hmm” before asking: “What’s that you’re carrying?”
“I-it’s a gift for the Queen!” Taffy explained, terrified by the guard’s gaze.
The guard kept his stern scowl on them for a few more seconds. Then, he shrugged and dropped his intimidating stare. He ordered dismissively, “Alright, you two can go in but when you’re done, you two better return to your homes the moment you give that to the queen. Understand?”
The two kids nodded in awareness. With that, the guard allowed them to enter the citadel. The two then proceeded to the castle as fast as they could and after another interrogation from another guard, they walked into the castle and waltzed into the Queen’s throne room where they stood in the present of a beautiful woman with long pink hair, caramel-brown skin, and blue sapphire eyes, wearing a pink regal dress with a corset that exposed the cleavage of her large bosom and a long frilly skirt, a pair of pink & white strapped heeled-pumps, and an emerald and ruby encrusted golden crown on her head.
“Why, children, what brings you to my throne room?” the woman questioned in a calm demeanor and a friendly grin on her face.
Placing the pod down on the tapriz carpet, Danny was the first to speak. “We brought a present for you, my queen! We don’t know what it is, but it’s pretty enough to be in your throne room!”
The queen stood up from her ivory throne and gingerly walked down the three steps towards the pod. Her smile faded into that of a shocked frown when she looked at what was inside through the glass.
“Children! What you have brought me is something extraordinary!” she commented astonishingly. Placing a hand on the top, she continued, “You have brought me…a human!”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
If I'm being honest, your prologue summary got my attention. Seeing as how Adventure Time is usually light-hearted, I looked forward to a darker kind. I like that you introduced a human in this manner. A thing that I love so far is that characters acknowledge that there was in fact a war. As a reader, if I'll find out more details about the war as I keep reading. Great work and keep it up!
Hey supp le doge here for a review
I just want to ask what is your intended audience? Because it appears to be combining elements of a teen dystopian novel (war, the reform of Earth) with the elements of novel aimed at younger audiences (Candytopia, young protagonists). I'd say it is for the kids, based on the feel and setting and the name "Candytopia," of all names out there. I mean, people that fit the 18+ rating would usually pass this on.
Scene description could be more vivid. Well, don't just say the world is ruined, make your character almost trip over the scattered debris. Say their hearts beat faster as the abandoned buildings scare them. Make your characters respond to every detail as you paint the scene.
Another thing, those numbers are really confusing. There are clearer ways to show how tall the building is, and you pulled it off by saying the building was visible in a distance. I can see a picture of a building visible in the distance, I can't see 106 acres tall. Same thing with the square-feet.
Last but (I think) the easiest point to improve on is to reduce adverbs. "Smiled victoriously" could be replaced with a richer "smiled in triumph and pride." "Screamed hysterically," could be replaced with perhaps "screamed her heart out," or simply nothing at all - with the situation itself readers can imagine how she is going to scream. More on adverb mitigation here: https://www.brainpickings.org/2013/03/1 ... n-adverbs/
The story as a whole though, brings forward quite a fresh idea. Hell, you might even bring dystopia into children's books, or candy into teen books (highly unlikely if you ask me). The cliffhanger did a great job of hooking me in. I am intrigued by this world, by the war and by the human in the pod.
The intended audience is for teens and young adults. The idea it is a children's story is to express irony.
Hello!
Okay, this piece seems very interesting and I want to find out more about it. I saw in a previous post that the human inside the pod is the protagonist which makes me intrigued to find out more about them.
Positives-
I could clearly see from the way you described the children that they clearly weren't human and it helped to understand the title more. Clearly a lot has happened on Earth and the mention of the war makes me excited to learn more about this plot. For example, why are the humans now extinct and who are the new race of people and what is their culture like. I also thought the characters were cute and that you get an understanding that their race is very different from ours.
Improvements-
There were only a few things that I noticed about this piece that needed some work. How old are these children because they must be pretty strong to carry a human unless it was only a small human, even if there was two of them. I also felt that the part where they are running away could do with some improving. I noticed you use unnecessary words that take away from the tension, I do this as well so don't worry. For example, "Luckily, thanks to its tremendous size and vertically challenged legs," I feel that this bogs down the sentence and the paragraph. I find what I do wrong when it comes to tension is I use these kinds of words, which can tend to slow it down. Everything needs to be quick and to the point.
Overall I really liked this piece and will continue to read the other chapters when I get the chance. Keep writing
I was going to mention that candy people are naturally strong to lift such an object, even candy children to a certain degree, but i forgot.
After already reading Chapter 1, I really wish I had read this first. Just the description of the queen and town and especially the children and guards. Just by those descriptions, I feel as though I'm in Adventure Time with Finn and Jake and I just love it. I know it's completely different, but I still picture it slightly the same.
Now I didn't really catch any mistakes on here, but that's also probably due to the fact the I just love the little kids so much.
I like this prologue very much and I feel, it makes me want to figure out or read what's to come, so good job on that.
Now I'm off to the first chapter. Good job and Good luck Tottles.
Heya, Kman! Casanova here to do a short review!
The first thing I want to talk about is your characters. I feel like you have Taffy down, and I like that. You can sense her awness, and how she reacts to everything seems realistic. But Danny seems rather bland, and it looks as if he's supposed to be the main character, but I could be wrong about that. I would suggest perking him up a bit, sort of giving him a personality. As of right now it seems like he's not really there, if you know what I mean. Play around with dialogue, actions, and how he expresses himself. I think he could really benefit from it.
The next thing is character description.
This struck me as odd. I know you're describing two different things(people? They're not human but what are they) but this doesn't seem realistic to me. I think it might be the phrasing, but it did strike me as odd. Anyway, on to the next thing.
I think your plot is pretty solid, so props for that. It's not really dramatic, well too dramatic, but it does get interesting. You seem to be building it up, and I don't think you could have made a better ending for this prologue. I'm excited to see where it goes.
That's all I have to say about this one. Hope it helped a bit!
Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on!
Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron
yeah, Danny is not the protagonist but the kid who finds the protagonist.
I meant of the prologue, apologies.
for the prologue, i can say yes, per se.