Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
The sun began to sink over the horizon, with the red glow promising good weather next morning. I wiped the sweat from my brow as the heat beamed relentlessly. A condition one could expect while traveling through the countryside of Teradore, in the western regions of Promethea. The tall oak trees surrounding me weren’t much help on this late spring day. I had been trailing on this dirt road for a whole month, which was how long I had been a knight. And at such a young age. The feeling of dread and fear emanated from the forest as I kept my guard up, ready for anything which might jump at me. I was slowly beginning to lose the momentum to continue pressing onward. My vision had become dazed from staring in the same direction for hours. ‘Come on, Michael. You’re almost there! Don’t stop no matter what’! That was the mantra I’d repeated throughout the journey, in my head. Sadly, it was beginning to lose its effect as I fell into a dull stupor.
A gust of wind blew toward my direction, blessing me with a cool breeze as it caressed my short black hair. Was this a gift from the Titans, to assist me in continuing my journey? My rear began to feel aggravation from the leather saddle as my steed Arion trotted unabatedly on the dirt road. Reaching towards the side of my saddle, I pulled out a water skin and took a quick sip.
It was going to take another couple of days before I reached the nearest city. I needed to find a spot to rest before I could make any more progress. Suddenly, I stopped and noticed that something up the road was blocking my path.
“What the hell is that?” I wondered, got closer.
Right in front of me was a covered wagon. It was in bad shape, with the white sheet ripped while it stood lopsided, with the front left wheel having fallen off. Sitting on the ground with her back against the side was a young woman with long black hair, wearing a ragged dress. My instincts told me to just keep moving on and to leave her to her fate. Even Arion glared back at me, as if telling me to do the same. However, my heart was telling me otherwise. It was telling me that leaving a young woman to die in the forest would be wrong. And it would contradict everything that Sir Stewart had taught me.
I alighted from Arion. As I was preparing to walk over to the young woman, I made sure to grab my scabbard and strapped it around my shoulder. You never know when danger might suddenly pop out of nowhere. “Excuse me, miss. Do you need any assistance?” I questioned. I carefully got close to the young woman while flashing what I hoped was a reassuring smile.
The young woman had been walking around the area, searching for help but stopped when she saw me. Then she smiled hesitantly. “Y-yes. I have been stuck on this road for a whole day and have been waiting for someone come by. Thank you for your kindness, good knight.”
Scratching the back of my head, I waved a hand nonchalantly, a little uncomfortable with the praise. It was something to which I wasn’t quite accustomed.
I replied nervously, “Oh, it’s nothing at all.”
The young woman’s eyes narrowed as she approached me. She was getting close, to the extent that her chest practically pressed against my own. Her hand reached down as she opened the top of her shirt to show her cleavage as she licked her lips. “That’s good to hear. Maybe, once you help me, I might give you a reward.”
Although it seemed like a tempting offer she was giving me, I wanted to turn her down. It didn’t seem right. Unfortunately, I was taken aback by the sight of a dagger in front of my face.
“Don’t try anything stupid. Just hand us over everything you’ve got, and we’ll let you live.” The young woman grinned wickedly. Her hopeful and weak demeanor quickly changed into a devious one.
I complied and raised my hands. My instincts had been correct. I should have just walk on by and stuck to the route without stopping. Just then, I realized that something she’d said was puzzling. Arching a brow, I stared at the young woman questioningly.
“Wait. What do you mean ‘we’?” I said.
She just chuckled and turned her head over her shoulder. Then she whistled loudly and waved her free hand. “You can come out now, boys! We got ourselves some prey!”
The bushes rustled and out of the forest from behind the wagon were five bandits dressed in ragged clothing. In their hands were daggers and short swords. The first one glared, speaking in an irritated manner. “It’s about time, Cecilia! We’ve been waiting for you to give the signal!”
Cecilia glared back and placed a hand on her hip. “Hey, give me a break! It was a slow day today, so I’m sorry if you were losing patience!”
“Never mind that! Let’s just rob this guy and leave him for dead already.” The first guy pointed at Arion, ordering his men to take the supplies in the satchels.
I waited for the female bandit to be done with me. My eyes were closed. The thought of the blade of her knife slitting my throat and releasing my sanguine essence brought me despair. However, it also brought me a sense of relief at the thought of finally being freed from the baggage that weighed on my shoulders, but she just stayed in the same position and didn’t move. I looked and although some of the bandits had left, others were hesitant of making a move.
The fat one spoke up timidly, “I-I don’t think we should do anything, Jack. Look at the insignia on that guy’s shoulder. He’s a member of the Order of the Teradorian Knights. If we’re not careful, then they might come and take us all out.” He pointed at my chest, taking notice of the badge of a green dragon being pierced vertically by a claymore that was stitched. It was a bit odd to hear a bandit mentioning the order and didn’t think they would be knowledgeable in the insignia. Then again, with the war going on, it would make sense that a campaign or two would travel down this pathway from time to time.
The first bandit, Jack, on the other hand, was indifferent and immediately smacked his comrade in the face. “What the hell are you afraid of? Do you see the Teradorian Knights anywhere? The only thing I see is some brat wandering alone on a road ready to die.”
“What if they are around? Think about what they’ll do to us if we kill this one. They’ll have our bodies hung on trees, or even worse.”
“They’re not gods, you idiot. They won’t know what happened to this brat. Besides, he would pay a pretty good shilling if we hold him for ransom. With the Eldritch Lord on the rise and the war stretching the kingdom thin, the order wouldn’t risk losing one of their own and would pay a lot to get him back.”
“Oh, will you two just make up your minds! We’re already burning what little sunlight we have left and need to get out of here before the wolves come! So, are we killing him or not?!” Cecilia yelled, losing what little patience she had left. Her dagger was starting to lower while her attention was on those two. Even the most skilled thief would make a rookie mistake from time to time.
That was the opportunity I needed to escape. Grabbing the female bandit’s wrist, I dragged her down and reached behind me. I grabbed the handle and unsheathing my sword before getting into position for battle. The two bandits saw this and didn’t hesitate to charge at me. They waved their daggers and short swords, making attempts at trying to strike at me, dodging each attack as fast as possible and receiving grazes from their blades. While the bandits were indeed specialized in skullduggery and stealth, they were inept in true combat. The way they fought was amateur at best as they left numerous openings that I was able to exploit. I swung my sword and grazed my blade against their arms and legs.
The fat one was the first to fall as he fell and held the wound on his thigh. Jack was a little bit more difficult for with each strike I threw, he managed to dodge as he struck his dagger into my right shoulder. The blade possibly hitting bone as I screamed until my knees dropped to my feet. he was angry. I could see it in his eyes. I guess holding me for ransom was off the table. He grabbed the dagger and drew it out with some blood spilling on the ground. cocking his hand back, he was getting ready to thrust his dagger again and wanting to finish me off. Luckily, I thought fast and swung my leg against his, causing him to tumble and fall while giving me the opportunity to stand back up. right when I saw him getting up himself, I didn’t hesitate to swing my sword, striking the blade against his chest and watched the blood trickled from his scar. Before he could retaliate, I cocked my fist back and slammed it against his face, hard enough that he was knocked out cold. Their wounds were shallow for I did not wish to take any of their lives, but it was good enough as they dropped to the ground and wreathed in pain. Taking them down was easier than I originally assumed and thought it was going to be more challenging.
Unfortunately, I shouldn’t have gotten cocky. I was then taken by surprised as an arm wrapped around my neck while a dagger was up to my eye. The female bandit had got me where she wanted me as she dug the blade against my cheek with blood trickling down from the cut she made.
“I warned you not to try anything stupid. Look at the damage you caused.” From the way she spoke, she was probably gritting her teeth. Anger festered in her voice. She moved her blade up to my right eye and was dangerously close to it. “Well, you know the old saying: ‘an eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth’.”
Although she might think she had me where she wanted me, or so she thought. To be honest, I was giving her that satisfaction. Her grip around my neck wasn’t strong enough to be considered a headlock. So, it was easy to break out of it as I slammed the back of my elbow into her stomach, knocking the air out of her as I struck the back of my head against her face while the knife grazed below the eye. I clenched at her arm and tossed her over my shoulder. She stood up and rubbed her nose before glaring back at me. Cocking my fist back, I slammed my fist into her face once more. My knuckles colliding with her nose, hearing a cracking sound as blood gushed from her nostrils. Letting go of her arm, I watched her stumble back and seeing her fall to the ground on her back. I waited for a few seconds to see her get up and retaliate but she did not and was out cold. The only thing I did was stare at her deadpanned before I turned and walked away, leaving the incapacitated bandits behind as I headed back to my steed with my hand clutching the bleeding wound on my shoulder.
Holding my sword up, I approached Arion with caution as the three other bandits were still in the area. However, I stopped with my mouth nearly hitting the ground. The three bandits laid around the stood, having visible hoof marks on their back and front of their bodies. Arion was left unscathed, acting as if nothing had happened to him while he long face looked annoyed with his eyes beaming at me. war horses were a very smart and resilient breed of horses and being one, Arion would have been capable of taking down a couple of bandits. I brushed my hand against his brunette mane and smiled.
“Glad to see you’re all right, old friend.” After I mounted back on his saddle, I gently kick Arion’s side. He began trotting away from the wagon as we proceeded on the path. “Let’s keep moving. There’s nothing we can do for these people. Hopefully, they’ll be able to get up before a pack of wolves track their bloody trail.”
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138,374 Literary Works • 672,110 Reviews
Hey there, I'm going to go through pointing out nit-picks as I go then talk about the chapter overall at the end.
Nit-picks:
I mean, this seems unnecessary. Ordinary kindness probably tells you the same thing. I feel like it would be more realistic if his heart just went out to the lonely traveller.
This seems unrealistic for two reasons. 1 - Would she not have walked around a bit to try and find another traveller? 2 - if this road is big enough for wagons, it's probably a fairly big road. Big roads are usually quite well travelled, suggesting someone else would have been by in the space of a whole day.
This phrasing is quite stilted. People don't normally comment on their own kindness, unless they're trying to brag about it.
Missed capital letter.
That seems harsh, fairly difficult to believe.
That seems unrealistic. She is clearly very accomplished, and that is a rookie mistake.
That also seems unrealistic. She had barely been hit up to that point.
Overall:
I'm a bit confused by this. You build up a really interesting first chapter, with your character in a bad situation, and me with the impression he is not really in a great place to handle it, based on him not being used to praise (I figured that meant he was quite a lowly knight). And then it's just really easy. It feels like when I GM RPG sessions and screw up challenge ratings and the fights are way too easy for my players. It feels like an anticlimax, like there wasn't really much point to telling me about something so inconsequential.
I also think it's extremely unrealistic how easy they went down. The way they talk they sound like they do this all the time, they sound like professionals. So I'd be surprised if a little bickering would stop them from carrying out their normal routine. I'm also shocked Cecilia goes down so easily. That seems completely implausible based on how cleverly she tricks Michael.
Oh, btw, I adore Cecilia. It seems unlikely that you would do this, but I would love to read her POV. Her life seems far more interesting than Michael's, who as far as I can tell is so skilled that he's unlikely to end up in any real danger. I just think it's so clever the way she uses (straight or bi) men's obsession with breasts to her own advantage and that is actually the main thing that kept me reading this chapter.
Hope this helps,
Biscuits
Thank you for the review and for the tips.
To answer your question of why this chapter seemed seemingly pointless, this was originally intended to be a prologue but became chapter 1 because most people on the site never give a passing glance at prologues. However, I'm going to have to point out certain things that were off on your observations. Although Cecilia had cleverly tricked Michael, this was merely the "damsel-in-distress" tactic used by female bandits to seduce men like knights and wannabe heroes and even though Cecilia was able to trick Michael, she and her fellow bandits were still no match for a knight (even though they can fight, a knight still has more training and a better understanding of combat). Also, the part about Cecilia lowering her dagger from Michaels neck, I'll have to say that even professionals can make rookie mistakes from time to time. it makes them more human. Although I'm going to need to look back and explain it better then.
Like, I don't get why it being the "damsel-in-distress" tactic makes it any less clever? If it isn't clever and it's actually really obvious, then why would Michael fall for it? If he was dumb enough to fall for something that obvious then I'd be even more surprised at how well he reacted during the fight in order to beat them. Just because something is an established trope doesn't mean it's believable.
Re: the dagger - I guess people do make mistakes, but it feels unrealistic for this particular person to make a mistake in such a routine situation. That actually makes them feel less human because it doesn't seem like the expected action of someone who has been set up with such a capable-seeming personality.
That%u2019s because Michael is still naive. Despite being a knight, he is still young and is still new to knighthood (in hindsight, I should have addressed that in the first chapter).
It%u2019s actually more realistic. While it is a routine situation, Even actors in a play could slip up their lines. To be flawed is to be human as the saying goes.
Sorry. I was texting all of that on my phone.
I agree could, but in that instance it seems very unlikely that they would.
Also yeah I guess if I'd known Michael was particularly naive that would have helped.
Heyo, kman! I'm here for a quick Review Day review!
This will need heavy editing before it's ever submitted to any sort of agent or publisher. The first 250 words are incredibly important, since they basically dictate if a reader is going to buy your book, or if an agent will decide to put time and effort into marketing your book to publishers. If the first paragraph (or first sentence, even) is riddled with errors and has no compelling hook, then the manuscript will most likely be tossed into the slush pile before the reader even has a chance to see it in stores.
While the red glow of the sky's twilight did what, exactly? The sentence sets the reader up to lead into something else, but it never does. If I were an agent, then I would have set the manuscript down after that sentence. It proves that the writer did little to no editing on what they submitted to me.
What's the burden that one would expect? I honestly cannot tell what it's referencing. The first thing that's mentioned is the sunset, the next thing that's mentioned is the tall oak trees. There isn't really anything that would be connected to burden, in my mind.
Seasons aren't capitalized!
This is unnecessary word count padding. Does the reader really need to read twenty-one words about Michael wiping sweat off his brow? This very visual could be shown through nine words ("I wiped the beads of sweat from my brow") or even six words ("I wiped sweat from my brow"). The description isn't bad, but the words could definitely be used for something else that's more important.
Effect is typically result/noun, affect is typically verb -- in this case, it would be effect.
Deadpan has a very specific meaning to it. The word is generally a verb that means "say[ing] something amusing while affecting a serious manner" (definition from Google) or "marked by an impassive matter-of-fact manner, style, or expression". So, one would typically say a joke in a deadpan manner. "Oh, boy, it's raining cats and dogs out there," he deadpans. In this use (and in the second use), it's meant to describe a... neutral? hardened? expression? Although, that's not what the actual definition portrays. I'd recommend finding a different word.
Torn and ripped basically mean the same thing; there isn't a solid enough difference in the visual provided by both to keep them both. I'd suggest removing one or the other (no preference, since they're basically the same).
This would also probably get the manuscript thrown out. Even though Cecilia ended up being a bandit, this interaction comes off as something taken straight out of an erotica story. This paragraph doesn't fit in with the genre that you're trying to market to. This is high fantasy and what the paragraph insinuates is high fantasy erotica. Any reader (or agent or publisher) would put it down right here. It doesn't matter that Cecilia didn't go through with the sexual favor, because I highly doubt anyone would read on past that point.
Okay! That's all I have to say for today! If you have any questions, then feel free to let me know.
-E
Thank you for the review. I took some of the grammatical and spelling errors you pointed out and have fixed much of the problem in the manuscript. However, I will not remove Cecilia's interaction gives off a seductive aura that would be common for female bandits in fantasy. While this is definitely high fantasy and not fantasy erotica, sex and sexual references are also featured in high fantasy stories as a means to give it a sense of realism and humanization of characters.
Also, I might have accidentally removed spring and the part following "sky's twilight" when I was doing some editing.
Hello, and Happy Review Day!
I think this piece is a really good beginning to a novel. It does a great job of introducing the main character, as well as the environment he is in. We see that he is on a dangerous road, but that he is well-equipped to handle such danger, and is a skilled and confident knight and swordsman. You also show that he's noble, and he's not going to kill unless he has to, which is a good thing to know about a character early on. The description of the weather in the first paragraph, along with noting some of the more practical details, such as the water container, do a wonderful job of making the world you're building feel truly real.
As the reader, I did want to know why the main character was on this road, and why he was journeying to this particular destination. Is there a war going on? Is he patrolling the road, or striking out for a new city? Has he been ordered to move to this new place? If I understand why he's taking this journey, it would give the scene more context, and also allow you to reveal a bit of the knight's backstory, so we could understand how long he's been a knight, how much responsibility he has, etc. Of course not all of this needs to be revealed in the first chapter, but just a bit more info on the immediate plans would go a long way of helping the reader understand what's going on.
I think the way you describe the fight scene between the knight and female bandit is incredibly well done. The way you break it down to the actions, such as throwing her over his shoulder, etc. helps the reader picture the fight, and feel like they're in the scene with the main character. I wish you used the same amount of specificity with the fight with the other bandits. It felt more like a summary than a scene, and none of the actions felt specific enough for me to picture. This kept me from feeling any suspense during that part of the scene. I was very much invested in his fight with the female bandit.
One point that confused me was when it said that she had him right where she wanted him, but then later on it said that although she thought she had him right where she wanted him, that wasn't really the case, he was just letting her think that. Those two statements seemed to contradict each other.
Overall, this is shaping up to be a page turner and I'm excited and interested to see where this story goes! Please let me know when/if you post another chapter!
-tgirly
It's not that he is going to war, but more like leaving a war with horrible memories. this will be revealed in the second chapter.
thanks for the review and I hop you will be around when chapter 2 and 3 come out.
A/N: Hey, guys. This is Kman134. This is just another attempt at creating a fantasy story and I am not sure if this is any good. Hopefully, it might be a little better than the others I have been working on. When writing my fantasy stories, I was always revered the works of Tolkien and his beautiful and imaginative world-building. However, I am fully aware that the works of Tolkien and the elements within it have become incredibly cliche. While I do love the tropes and have incorporated it in my story, I do add elements that help deconstruct it and feature some relevant tropes that could hopefully bring the story to life. I hope you all enjoy it and feel free to provide suggestions that could help improve the story. Also, if you are offended with some stuff in this chapter, then I apologize.