Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.
I walked to my tent, which, which sat in the middle of the row. Its small triangular shape looked to be made for two. I laid down on the right side, tucking myself under the ragged sheets while I stared at the tent’s ceiling.
“You’re my roommate for the night, huh? What a small world.”
I lurched up and gasped. Standing at the entranceway was Nia who waved and smiled at me. She entered and sat in the sleeping bag beside me. “Well, we better hurry and get some sleep. Don’t want to be too tired to stand at our masters’ side.” She waited for me to respond but there was only silence. She turned and saw me staring at her with a nervous look while my body trembled. I couldn’t believe that I was all alone with a girl, not to mention sharing my tent with one for the night.
“What? This your first time sharing a tent with a girl?” she joked. It was both that and we were on a battlefield where the enemy could spring up any time soon. I simply nodded.
“Well, we have the whole night to get to know each other.” She sat cross-legged as she scratched the top of her head. her free hand twirling a small stick between her fingers. “Tell me about yourself. Where are you from?”
“S-Sage Port. I’m from Sage Port.”
She arched a brow. “Sage Port? Never heard of it.”
“Not Surprising. It’s a small town in the sticks. Not many people in the kingdom have heard of it,” I stated. my body was starting to get less tensed around Nia. “The ironic part was that the town isn’t even a port. It’s just a small town with n almost dried up lake. I was glad when destiny came knocking at my door when Sir Stewart traveled by to restock on supplies.”
“What about your parents? Weren’t they upset when you left?”
I got out of my bag and pulled my legs up to my chest. It was getting uncomfortable underneath the fabric as memories of the past started resurfacing. I embraced them tightly and looked down at my knees sullenly. Taking a deep breath, I answered Nia’s question, “I have never met my parents.”
Nia’s eyes rose in response. I assumed she felt bad for asking and her averting her gaze away was out of guilt. “Oh, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“That’s okay. I’m quite use to it. besides, I’ve come to terms with it.”
Nia pursed her lips. I watched her twiddle her fingers while her tone sounded lowered. “You know, you don’t have to tell me anything. We can just forget about it.”
“No. it’s okay. like I said, it doesn’t really bother me that much anymore.” taking a deep breath, I gathered my thoughts.
“I’m not really sure what happened to them. I lived in an orphanage in Sage Port since I was five-years-old. When I was eight, Sir Stewart took me in as his page, raising me and training me to become his successor. Since then, he became like a father to me and I am truly grateful for everything he has done.” I smiled, turning my gaze at the ceiling. I looked back at my roommate and sighed. “I have seen Sir Stewart fight monsters, save damsels-in-distress, and faced tyrants for the crown. That’s why I want to work hard and make him proud. So, that I can become a proper successor and continue his legacy.”
She couldn’t help but laugh in response, which was high and nasally. I was taken aback, my brows raising. Her laughter died down as she coughed. “At least you get to follow your dreams. I didn’t want to be a knight until my parents forced me to be Sir Richard’s squire.”
“What did you want to be?”
She pursed her lips while scratching her cheek. “It’s kind of embarrassing but I’ve always wanted to be a watchmaker. I have always been fascinated by the intricate designs of clocks and I’m really good with my hands.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. such a dream is difficult to achieve as such a job is only performed by the watchmaking guild, which is extremely difficult to get in. Nia glared. Her arms crossed over her large bosom.
She asked, “Are you making fun of my dream?”
“N-no. I’m not. I’m just laughing at the thought that you didn’t become one. The way you twirl that stick says it all. I think you would make a wonderful watchmaker.
Nia’s eyes rose. She moved a strand of hair away from her face while her cheeks turned red. She crawled over and got close to me. The way her arm touched mine made me fluster.
“Hey, you want to try something really daring?”
“W-what?”
Without any warning, her luscious lips pressed against mine. I was flabbergasted but slowly fell halfway.Time around us slowed down. However, we stopped and pulled away from each other as we gasped for breath. I thought that was it.She smiled affectionately. I backed away, trying to comprehend what just happened.
“Why did you do that?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, why did you kiss someone you just met? It doesn’t really make much sense, to be honest.”
Nia took a deep breath.
“The reason I did this is because of the way you treat others. You are always polite and helpful, and whenever people like Sir Richards treats you badly, you just brush it off and go back to work.” She turned to her side, trailing her finger onto the ground and made swirls on her futon. It was very cathartic for her, spilling out her thoughts and feelings to me, but she couldn’t bring herself to look me in the eye. “I mean, when I deal Sir Richard, I couldn’t stop thinking about punching him in the face. Then when I’m alone, I scream and punch my frustrations out on a tree.” That explained the bruised knuckles. “However, when I saw the way he treated you earlier, you just kept calm and ignored him as you continued following Sir Stewart while your mentor berated mine.”
“That still doesn’t answer my question. Why would go through all of this for me?” I repeated the question.
“Look. What I’m saying is that…I like you Michael. From the first time I saw you until now, I wanted to get to know you and…get a little bit closer.” Hearing her say all of that struck my heart. My cheeks glowing hotter than before as we lean in and kissed softly before pulling away.
“I-I think I feel the same way.” I smiled.
Unfortunately, our tender moment quickly came to an end as a loud boom was heard outside. Nia and I were shaken up as we felt the earth beneath us trembled.
“What the hell was that?” Nia gasped.
“I’m not sure. Whatever that was, it’s trouble.”
Getting up off the ground, the two of us quickly ran out of the tent. However, our jaws immediately dropped. The camp was set ablaze with the horses running amok while their comrades tried to regain their bearings. Beads of sweat fell from our brows as we were frozen in place. We wanted to know what was happening and tried to get the attention of the others. Finally, we got our answer. Looking over to the horizon, an army began to descend onto the campsite. Their appearances were indescribable and incomprehensible, taking on a variety of shapes and forms that mock nature itself. Dark protoplasmic creatures that reflect all forms and organs and processes—viscous agglutinations of all types of nightmarish proportions and sizes with a myriad of eyes and mouths ready to tear the flesh of whatever is in their way.
“The Eldritch Lord’s forces are coming!” one of the pike men shouted.
We saw the fear and dread in the soldier’s eyes. nevertheless, the soldiers stood their ground. The knights acting as the vanguard in the front, the pike men in the middle, and the spear men in the back.
Sir Stewart looked to his forces, raising his claymore to the air and shouted in a commanding voice. “Stand ready, men! this is where our years of training has led us to!”
At that very moment, the battle was ensued with the soldiers charging at the nightmarish hordes as a blinding light erupted. “For Teradore! For the king!” The dream came to an end. My eyes fluttered open and I winced from the sun’s beam. Morning came but I didn’t want to get up. I just wanted to lie down forlorn in my own misery.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hiya, kman! Happy Review Day and end of RevMo! Sorry in advance that I haven't read the previous chapters of this, but it's been in the Green Room a long time so needs must. I'm going to start with small comments and then round off with my overall thoughts.
Small Comments
This is needlessly convoluted and hard to process. Why not go for something like this?
I walked to my tent, which sat in the middle of the first row.
I agree with scribbles that this wouldn't be my first assumption. There could be any number of reasons why he's nervous, especially seeing as he's in some kind of war camp.
This is such a weird thing to say. Hanging out with your mother is hardly the same as hanging out with girls you might be attracted to - even if he did have a mother, it wouldn't necessarily calm his nerves. This just felt like a cumbersome excuse to get them onto the topic of the protagonist being an orphan.
If she's feeling bad about bringing it up, why does she press further? Even if the MC says he's come to terms with it, he could easily just be being polite. It didn't seem very sensitive on her part.
'In awestruck' makes no sense - I think you mean 'in awe'. Even so, I'd get rid of it. It's over-the-top.
You don't need to tell us he's confused - that's clear from his facial expression. Also, I'm not sure about this habit you have of almost using 'with' as a conjunction. You did it in the last quote as well, but it just reads quite strangely to me. I feel like it would be more natural if you used a comma, like this:
I smiled, turning my gaze back to the ceiling.
I was taken aback, my brows raising.
It just seems to flow better, plus it cuts out unnecessary words.
Cause to fluster? That sounds weird. You can cause a person to get flustered, though. The word is usually used in a more adjectival context (i.e. 'he was flustered'), and when it is used as a verb it seems to take only sentient objects (i.e. 'the sight flustered the man'). I don't think you can fluster a face.
Sorry, kman, but I rolled my eyes here, and they didn't really stop rolling throughout the whole sex scene. It's just so out of place and doesn't have any realism at all. They're both virgins who barely know each other and yet they have mindblowingly good sex the very first time? Come on, man. That's not how life is. It'd be awkward and cumbersome, even if they did enjoy it. Though I seriously doubt it would happen at all. If Nia kissed someone as nervous as the MC - someone who could barely handle being alone in a tent with a girl - I don't think his response would be to jump straight into French kissing. He'd be completely thrown off and probably back away from her. Plus they've just been talking about his dead parents? Why would you initiate sex with someone who's probably still feeling vulnerable?
Also, dude, I hate to say it, but you really need to think about how you portray women in your stories. I've read a lot of your work by now, and it seems like every female character you write is more of a male fantasy than an actual person. Nia is a case in point. She's a 'pure' virgin, but somehow she's also great at sex, she climaxes from minimal effort on the MC's part, she listens to his plight, she thinks he's brave and calm and admirable, she's been watching him from afar. Plus she seems to have no real goals or personality of her own - she never talks about her own interests or history, just orbits around the MC and his awesomeness. Maybe she's more interesting in the other chapters, but that's not enough. Characterisation needs to be present throughout a story, in every chapter, and evident even to a reader like me who's come in late.
You don't need to say that their jaws dropped at the sight before them if you're going to immediately describe that sight in the next sentence. The reader will put two and two together.
'One' shouldn't have a capital letter. You don't capitalise the beginning of a dialogue tag even if the dialogue closes with an exclamation mark or a question mark.
...what? Was the whole thing a dream?
Overall Thoughts
The most interesting part of the chapter is towards the end when the forces start attacking - there's some cool description there, and you manage to capture the chaotic atmosphere and the menace of the descending army pretty well. However, the revelation that it was a dream has really wrong-footed me. If it's all a dream, what's the point of having it in the story at all? A dream can't affect the overall plot. It's okay if dream scenes are brief, but dedicating an entire chapter to a dream just feels overkill. Unless it's a kind of flashback dream? But the chapter isn't really written like either. Dreams are usually fractured and choppy and fleeting and weird - they don't follow this kind of precise linear order. It's also pretty rare that people can recall a sustained portion of their life with this much specificity, which is why I tend to not like flashbacks that much.
I guess that it being a dream would explain why the sex scene was so fantastical. But other than that, I don't get dream vibes at all.
Moving on to other aspects of the chapter, I'm quite intrigued by the MC's relationship with Sir Stewart. It borders of hero-worship, and I can't help but wonder if that's going to come back and bite him. I'm always wary when a character shows signs of undying loyalty, because it makes me wonder if the person they're loyal to truly deserves that kind of praise. The MC seems like a pretty naive guy - it's probably his most interesting trait - so I wonder if he's going to have his worldview shattered at some point. Maybe I'm completely wrong about that, but it's the impression I got.
I think that concludes my thoughts. Overall, I wasn't sure what to make of this chapter. I find your characterisation of women tiresome, if I'm honest, and the sex scene in general was jarring and way too rose-tinted. My biggest concern, however, is the fact that the chapter was a dream. In my experience, readers don't like that. They don't like being made to invest in something that wasn't real in the first place. I do think that you did a good job writing the attack at the end, though, and I think the MC has the potential to be an interesting character.
Keep writing!
~Pan
Thanks for the review, Pan.
To answer your questions. Yes. It's a flashback dream, which was stated in Chapter 2. It is suppose to symbolize Michael's depression and shows who he was before he sets off on his own adventure. People who've experienced traumatic events would remember everything, even when dreaming. In hindsight, the sex scene was too early and I should have added that later in the story. I wrote that scene at 3AM in the morning and now regretting it. You're not wrong that Michael is naive but you are wrong about Sir Stewart. Sir Stewart is a good man and a positive influence on Michael's life until tragically after the battle.
Also, saying that all of my female characters in my stories are a male fantasy is just generalization as there are female characters like in Magician's Wars who aren't like that. While most of the female characters in Magician's wars are physically like that, they are mentally and emotionally realistic compared to my other works.
I don't think having some realistic female characters in one of your many novels is enough, personally. It's a base requirement in my eyes. But I know you draw a lot of inspiration from anime, which has never been great for female representation, so maybe we just want different stuff from fiction.
Yeah, that's going to be hard.
Hey kman134! Happy RevMo! Hope you don't mind if I skip by for a review today
I haven't read the previous two chapters for this, so I apologise if I don't understand something, or something I say would have been clarified had I done so. Still! I hope that I can be of some help to you!
Twenty in that first row or twenty rows of tents after that?
If my roommate was staring at me nervously after I had said something like this, I wouldn't assume the first thing was that it was the first time he'd spent the night in a tent with a girl. I'd probably think he was scared of or something. But this is, of course, situational so I suppose that's up to you how you want your characters to react to it. Seemed a little specific though.
Why did he get out of the bag? We he feeling suffocated by it? Was he too hot? I feel like there would be a reason to get out of the sleeping bag if he was already in it, but I guess that's also conditional.
Isn't this in the protagonist's point of view (I don't know his name?)? Why do we suddenly have how Nia feels? Also, even if this was in her perspective, don't tell us she feels bad. We already can take that away from how she looks away from him. It's clear she feels bad, and you even say "out of guilt". You don't need to repeat yourself, and you don't even need to tell us what she' feeling if you can show us how she reacts.
So she feels bad about asking him about his parents, and says she shouldn't have said anything, but even after he says "that's okay", she immediately presses on without, seemingly, any guilt? That doesn't make sense?
Her...eyes rose and felt a sensation in her chest? This? doesn't make sense in general, but? Again with the perspective switch. Don't describe how she's feeling if this is from a first person point of view.
Wait, what?? They went from talking about his background, something he seems both sad and passionate about (why he's here?), but then suddenly they're kissing? And if he's never been around women before, how does he suddenly know how to do any of this?
Why is she suddenly deciding to have sex with someone she's only just met, for the first time??
This doesn't make...any sense.
Don't tell us she's going to talk. If you need to say she's pausing, or just even leaving it at "She took a deep breath", don't add on more to it! That's all you need to say.
I'll just slide this one last perspective change in- I don't want to repeat myself too many times haha.
Okay but...they just had unprotected sex. Is that not a concern? Are they not worried she might get pregnant, or some other disease might be transferred her? That was just, super sudden and it felt very jarring and out of place to me. And not to mention all the concerns about unprotected sex and stuff.
The transition from seemingly acquaintances to lovers is way too fast for me. Like I said, I haven't read anything before this, but from the information I have gathered, and judging based on this is only the first chapter, this seems way too early to be bringing this in. Especially considering they were both virgins, and Michael was fretting about just being around her. Why didn't Michael ask why she wanted to do that before they actually had sex? It just feels far too rushed for me, unless it was meant as a fling or something. But based on the way she's saying all that and his reactions, it seems to be that they're both trying to be more genuine?
Neither of them are sore at all?
I've noticed this a few times, but watch out for the capitalisation at the start of your sentences. Because there's been a few times where the beginning of a sentence hasn't been capitalised.
they? You mean, "we got our answer"? Or "I got my answer"? The tense/perspective changes are jarring here, since it's supposed to be in a first person point of view.
...what?
I'm...not sure where I stand on this. I don't really understand what was going on after you said he woke up from a dream? Is that what all that was? A dream? I'm...not entirely sure. I don't know if I have much to say about it in the way of anything else, but I'm still not quite sure what the ending was?
I think that's all I have for you today! I'm sorry I couldn't offer more haha. Still, I hope there's something in there that's helpful
I hope you're having a wonderful time!
Thanks for the review.
to answer your question of the sex. they're in a fantasy world where magic and alchemy dominates science. pregnancy tends to be sporadic due to a lack of pregnancy tests and the only form of safe sex is doing it in the back door. Also, this is not the first chapter. this is the third chapter and takes place in a flashback, which was explained in the second chapter. Michael and Nia have only known each other for 10 days and their sex is meant to be something genuine but also brief but since this is the character's dream, it would be quick.
For the record, this chapter was a rush job and there was bound to be grammatical errors. Microsoft word doesn't really point that out.