My cloudy little island, I write to you in shame
It’s been awhile, I'll admit, still empty my thoughts came
My cherry blossoms whisked away in a stroke of death
Has left me by the bedside spinning pools of wet
Breeze sweetened with flowers blowing through the park
Daydreaming and tragedy caused these memories to spark
Tears like knives scar down my cheeks and shrieks of angst give way
As I watch my little heaven slowly blow away
Guilt sinks down my chest as I stare out at the bleak
Those far off cries that scream of chance are what I now most seek
If choice were on my side, I'd trade my soul for pain
For my Cherry Blossom Heaven, I'd endure everything
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139,521 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Thank you so much! Much appreciated! It was great, and I started drawing manga which I should post sometime!
-Klotrox
That sounds like a very deep experience for you, and the poem sunds even better with knowing that!
Ad witht hose two lines corrected it flows oh so much smoother.
-Renn
Thank you so much! I agree my rhyme was off, but I tried. Not to spoil it all for you, but what the poem is about is when I was eight years old I visited Tokyo and I remember it vividly. The trip made a big impact on me even though I was only there a week and I was very young. When the earthquake in Japan hit, I felt for all those people suffering. It devastated me but at the same time I felt numb, so it was a confusing experience. I felt guitly that I didn' reallly have the power to do anything to help, and at the same time guilty that I couldn't understand what they were going through because it wasn't happening to me.
Beautiful prose! Highly enjoyable! You just us just enough for us to use our imaginations and I'd call that successful writing. You're rhyme was a bit off in these three stanzas:
However, the content of them made up for it! Great job, I really liked it!
Note: I edited the lines Renn commented on above a little so it makes more sense
This was really pretty, I must admit. The prose was solid, the stanzas were of perfect length and beat, and it was easily understandable. The poem gave away what you were feeling and what you were thinking, but it remained mysterious in the way that you shaded what the island meant to you and why. I liked it
Although I think these lines were kind of hinky in the way it was worded, or maybe in the way it flowed:
Guilt reeks from my chest as I stand here idly
All I can do is listen for those cries to comfort me
Wishing you the Best of Writing,
-Renn