There’s a girl
and a guy
they don’t see
eye to eye.
He’s much taller
but that’s how
she stands
so high above
the ground.
Fragments of thoughts
thumbed out words
amount to everything
she could have dreamed
and more.
Electric currents
run over their veins
through shaky fingers
straight to the
heart of it all.
The future is blinding
to those who can see
into the light
past the darkness
straight through.
So he grabs her hand
squeezes tight
and she laces their fingers
intertwining their
wanting souls.
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138,364 Literary Works • 672,109 Reviews
This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review!
The first aspect that I noticed about the piece is that the first stanza is a bit longer than the others, which I suggest fixing if you want to keep the general meter or aesthetic the same throughout. Though if you don't care for that, I guess it's not much of a problem. I found that this poem hops through ideas with each stanza, and I wouldn't mind this as much if you had more of something that held it together. Sure, the first and the last stanzas connect in a way, but the three in the middle have nothing in common with each other, almost. Write this in a way to intertwine these ideas together, or dissect the different sections and make them into their own poems entirely.
I believe that you included references or similar imagery throughout the subsequent stanzas to the first that held them together, it would work well enough as a whole poem, but right now it feels fragmented. The flow of this piece, whether it be of the actual reading of the lines, or how the stanzas connect, is the main flaw in this poem. In retrospect, I find the imagery and emotional impact here to be your strong suit and that could be the marrow that connects these bones or ideas together.
I'm a little curious as to why you wrote this in the third person perspective, though I'm not saying I dislike it, because I believe that this was a smart choice on your part. Is this the speaker reflecting over their own life or relationship, or is the speaker someone else? Is the speaker even important to know to understand this piece? And the likely answer is: probably not. Overall, this is a solid piece that could use some refining and revision.
If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped, and have a great day.
Wow! I really liked this. I love how sometimes it rhymed and sometimes it didn't. That's an interesting and a good stylistic technique. I love the language you use and they way you have set this out.
I really like the story behind it as well. How they don't see eye to eye because he is taller. I was expecting an argument but instead received a beautiful love poem. I really enjoyed reading this, and hope to read more of your writing in the future.
*clap clap clap clap clap* Bravo!
I would leave a review, but i have a headache right now, so how 'bout an IOU?
Thanks!!
hi,friend this is really super i like it