Dark cars
stolen kisses
running around
behind the rents
I feel small,
a little kid
the world
so wide and tall.
Possibilities
that are endless.
Limits that
can’t be reached.
I want you
Only you
Your crooked
smile
Your lip
curling up
in the corner
tugging
at my heart.
I’ve never wanted
anything, as much
as I want you.
Words don’t begin
to do us justice,
but lips can suffice
if just for tonight.
Kiss me
like you mean it.
Bite me
like you want to
do bad things.
I’ve always liked
trouble.
And that’s your
middle name.
It’s written everywhere
in heavy black marker,
but I smudge away
the warning bells,
silencing their call.
I don’t care
what it takes,
I will be yours,
and you will be mine.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Very deep and sensational piece of writing, @klennon14. I usually don't admit this, but I really enjoy reading this kind of theme of dark love and deep messages under that. Your poem contains that, and I really feel it. Like your poem, my writing sometimes has this kind of romance and dark...meaning in it.
I have one minor concern. I'm not sure if "Bite Me" is a good title for this piece. Maybe you could change it to something general that prevails throughout the whole thing. Other than that, I loved everything! Keep up the great work!
Thanks a lot for the review!
Yo, klennon!
While this piece certainly captures the attention and draws in the reader for the full content, I believe the major flaw is the lack of dimensions and nuance presented. You venture a bit out of carnal desire and into the realm of craving trouble (because hey, who doesn't love a little risk?) However, as far as takeaway material goes, this leaves me lacking, just understanding that the narrator wanted to make out--badly.
I did appreciate the concept of silencing the warning bells, i.e. saying to the narrator's self that 'no matter what I need this guy/gal right now.' But that begs a question: why were there warning bells in the first place? Is that a second dimension I'm smelling? It's close. If this were explored a bit more, or perhaps given a bit of forward context, this statement could be very powerful and turn the tide of the entire poem--because it was strong enough already for me to pick up on on first read, so if you just juice it up a bit, who's to say you won't have a masterpiece?
But I do want to know: are there tones of abuse? Self-hatred or neglect? Explore these things in your head during revision and see if anything comes of it. Experimentation is always worth the while.
Hope this helps,
Ty
Thank you so much for your advice! I suppose I was trying to be elusive. I didn't want the reader to be let in too much, much like how the narrator in this poem doesn't want to let anyone in. She's built up walls and is afraid to let someone love her, but she's trying. I definitely need to emphasize this more and explore, as you said, a second dimension.