Young Writers Society

Hey there klennon14!

This piece is so lovely! You definitely had me at your first line "If I engulfed your love any more

I would become the sea." This poem perfectly painted an image of a love as vast as the ocean. Not only were your words tranquil, peaceful, calming, and restful. I did notice you used "ocean eyes" which is kind of a cliche' in my opinion but, I do feel that it worked in that part and was somewhat essential in order to leave your reader feeling a certain way. Another thing that I found interesting was the way you ended it with two words in their own stanza. "Head first" are words that instill a feeling in most people that is similar to fear which was a good break from the overall serenity of the poem. I also thought that the use of those words were appropriate in order for the reader to understand the risk in falling in love. When you become involved romantically with someone, there is definitely some scary moments in the beginning and this poem depicted the fear as well as the thrill of falling in love. (Apologies for the repetitiveness.Therefore the ending was basically perfect to me.

The only section that I have any suggestions for is where you wrote,
"I swim far from uncertainty.

You throw me an inflatable,

rubber tube, filled with

all the things a girl desires."

(This part is so relatable by the way). For some reason, and this could just be me but, an inflatable rubber tube kind of ruined the romantic feel. Other than that, I really enjoyed this piece!

-BubblegumGoddess

I thought we'd make it through without Ocean Eyes! So close!

This is a lovely piece that is soothing, serene, and relaxed in all the proper ways; and it just absorbs me, takes me in, and brings me to that wonderful warm depth of love where you get these feelings that just won't leave.

Aren't they remarkable?

Your flow is quite admirable as well, though in the first several stanzas it almost seems like you break your lines for symmetry instead of breath or flow or any sort of intentional causation. I want to be able to match my breathing with the rhythm of the poem and really move with it, feel every aspect and beat as the words roll through--particularly since the aquatic imagery is so lovely here.

I definitely want to nix 'ocean eyes' since it's a cliche description, but I think all poets have it somewhere in their repertoire, so you can PROBABLY get away with this one.

Your ending is solid and isn't a flashbang, but rather a whisper, which I appreciate. Same for the opening. Generally I'm just appreciative of the piece and am glad you showed your chops with water and sea imagery, even pouring into the sentiment delivered in the speaking stanza when he's holding you. It all just WORKS, and that's delightful. I look forward to more from you. Lots more. As in you gained a follower.

Hope this helps,
Ty