The world is very different now. I never thought I’d see days like these, days that run into each other and never seem to end. There are children with robot arms and legs wandering the Earth, their hearts clinking around in solid, steel chests. At first glance, they appear normal. They speak like humans speak, their mouths and eyes crinkle into fake smiles, they look like humans do. But inside, their minds are hollowed out like a gourd whose guts you’ve just mangled and tossed over your shoulder, disposing of the leftovers without a moment’s hesitation.
The virus progressed slow and steady, like a bead of water trickling down steamed up windows. The droplet starts at a crawl, then an unexpected momentum propels it down, racing towards the bottom until splat. The little water droplet has fallen and managed to cause a mini-explosion, and our government is a hoard of trickling drops, luring us in. We take the bait. They reel us in, pulling, tugging, gently…gently. Then suddenly they all let go at once and burst, dragging us down into the chaos with them.
Our government is a disgrace to mankind. They have drained our youth and beaten us down until we’re too weak to retaliate. As shattered as my heart and mind and body are, I must fight for the last shred of hope lying in pieces before me. They have created an army of deranged, abused puppy-dogs. Innocent creatures who have fallen into the enemy’s arms far too easily.
So I must become a monster to kill the monster.
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well that seems rather desolate there, oh dear, certainly not a good world to be a part of there, ahh, everything I run into seems to be predicting a rather bleak picture
and I suppose my own story does much the same...soowell this is ominous. Also this truly appears to be one of the more unique things I've see, something that is causing folks to be hollow machinery, like I'm assuming just mindless robots at this point, well its certainly an idea that I have yet to encounter elsewhere.Okayyy...well that is a very interesting little analogy that you've used there, almost seems to be taking us to a different matter entirely there, the transition between the first paragraph and this particular isn't the smoothest there, but other than that, well that does tell you pretty much all you need to know there, doesn't it? The government appears to have come up with sinister plans and that seems to have lead to whatever horrible affliction this is here. Well its certainly an interesting detail.
And hmm, well, so it is as it appears totally the fault of the government, initially I thought perhaps negligence of some sort, but this appears to be some genuine malice at the hands of the government, and well that last declaration by our protagonist here is certainly an exciting one, it appears he is going to turn himself into perhaps one of these monsters....either that or he's about to go on some sort of murder spree of some sort. At any rate, this is a pretty exciting ending to this here preface. I would certainly read this story...
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
hey, this is kman134, here, with a review for you.
I love the "Man vs. Machine" concept in the first paragraph. though people are not entirely aware of this, technology is slowly consuming us and, in the future, when we have augmented and change ourselves with prosthetics and genetic changes, we will lose what it means to be human. we would become soulless and our empty of a void within us. though this is merely metaphor for today's youths, it still reflects where mankind is going.
i agree that our government is a monster and is turning us into monsters through their influences. the military is a joke; they do not fight for our country, they are merely dogs who serve the pigs and are blinded by rage and greed to see that they are puppets.
I love the metaphors and the similes in this short story. so much emotions and realism that reflect our world and tells us we must vaccine the virus and we must purge the tumor that is ruining our country, nay our world, before it spreads. anyways, love your work and hope to read more in the future.
I would agree with Jedd. There seems to be potential with this idea already. Of course it would all depend on how you continue to develop the plot here, but I would definitely be captured by this idea. However, I do think that trying to play with so many metaphors in only so few paragraphs can be a little risky. I think that it's creative, but the metaphors to hinder the flow. The reader is caught trying to understand what is being meant by the metaphors, and I think that it deviates the attention of the reader. I know this would be completely scratching this preface, but I definitely do like the idea.
Thank you! I know the base is fairly strong- I just need to iron out my odd metaphors...
I was trying to be unique with both the concept of the preface and the idea behind the story as well, but I have realized this is a bit of stretch. I will have to do some major reconstruction.
Woah.
I thought it was going to be a lil' ol' virus-infection dystopian cliche but this completely blew my mind. A new breed of apocalypse, perhaps?
The writing style's tense and not too quick I presume, it goes nice and easy while building the feeling presupposed. And the metaphors are strong with you. But maybe a little too strong. Just some suggestions for next time.
1. A gourd as an example? Ah well, alright. Because if you're going to set the mood to this serious do-or-die kind of atmosphere, then you might as well be a bit gory. I'm a big fan of these serious action novels, least thing I would expect for an example is a vegetable.
2. Water trickling down steamed up windows. Another big metaphor? I don't know about others, but I think it hinders the flow. And is it just be or are the metaphors kind of hard to relate? I can't seem to forge a connection between water droplets and a tyrannical government.
But anyways, the concept is fresh and powerful, a potent combination. I can see lots of potential with the idea in creating action, adventure, a little love maybe, some sad moments, some inspiring moments and all those times when readers go "Oh. My. God."
Be daring, go wild with your words. And keep writing!
-jeddthedoge
Thank you for the review! I knew I was pushing it with the metaphors, and I am glad to hear a reader's input on them. I will take all of your advice into mind, this was very helpful.
P.S. I have no idea why I chose to used a gourd. I thought "pumpkin" would sound misplaced, but I think these metaphors are stretching it...XD
It is very true but the government actually helps those people but the world did change. The world use to be able to be trusted and now you can't really trust anyone with out them lying to you or scamming you. Everyone abuse stuff now in days like animals or kids and sometimes their own family. The days seem that they are forever especially when you are in hours