*This story has a preface, but it's not ready yet. It will make more sense with a preface, but I just want opinions on the first chapter.
My hands are numb, so I flex my fingers. I’ve been in the same position all morning, waiting. A fleck of dust tickles my nose, and I swipe it away with the back of my hand. A dry, stale breeze picks up, and now I’m on the dangerous verge of sneezing my brains out. I actually wish my brains would blow out of my nostrils- then I wouldn’t have to think about what the world has become. I nearly blow my cover (rather than snot-brains) squatting here on the dried up Earth.
A crow suddenly croaks in the distance, and I nearly jump out of my own skin. That’s what forty-eight hours of sleep deprivation can do- make you flinch at the sound of a God damn bird. That’s what my life has become- stay awake, Ronnie. Stay awake or you die. Stay awake or innocent people around you die. Stay awake or someone is going to die.
I rub my eyes and a snarled lock of hair falls into my vision. I brush it to the side and attempt to run a single shaking hand through my tangled up mane. I haven’t combed out my hair in days. And forget about makeup- the presence of smudges or powder on a girl’s beaming face has long faded since the first incident.
Okay, maybe a week. I haven’t detangled my hair in week. And I kind of smell like a mix between sweaty socks and a cat urine. Or maybe it’s squirrel piss? The woods have been my dearest friend for far too long…
I snap back to attention when I hear him. A slight rustle in the leaves lining the little house a few dozen steps out of reach. I duck closer to the ground behind a tall Evergreen, completely out of sight.
I can see through the foliage. He’s so young. Only twelve. Twelve years old.
What are you thinking, Ronnie?! I cry out in my head. When did you turn into this monster?
The boy ambles along the front porch, stacking up freshly cut wood logs. His parents are farmers, but they’re gone for the day. He’s home alone. He’s toast.
I cringe, looking into that innocent, round face. So much potential, so much life coursing through his presence.
Then I think about the disease spreading through his thin, spider veins.
I think about the undetectable bomb ticking away, monitoring his every move. I think about the excruciating pain, the brainwashing, the torture. I think about his parents returning home to a son who’s no longer human. He’ll be something much more sinister- ruthless, volatile, and irreparable.
The sunlight is creeping in now, the early morning pushing us on the verge of a new beginning. Silent tremors run through my body, every single time, without fail. Now he spots two squirrels wrestling, and he’s giggling with a smile that stretches across his flushed cheeks.
I ready my gun, steadying it on my shoulder. I inhale- a quick intake of clean, unmarked air, and aim-
I turn away when I pull the trigger.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
I may not had understood right but I think that female is trying to kill the boy because he is infected and soon will become a monster, a beast. There is a lot of mystery in this work but I do not mind it at all. Some other reviewers had already told you about mistakes they had found and things that you can correct but I will still tell you my own opition about this.
I really this first part and I actually found it because the next part is still in the green room and I wanted to read this first part first of all so I understand at least something. I hope this sounds logical. I will be interested to understand more about this story and I hope you add more details connected with the illness these people like the young boy have. Thank you for reading till now. Now, for the corrections.
This is really optional but you do not need the comma befor 'and' because you do not change the tense or say something different, you only complete the firts part of the sentence.
Person can not die more than once. So you can not say 'Stay awake or you die.' Well, it may seem logical, yes, but we talk about what may happen in the future. So, make them like the last line 'is going to die' or 'will die'.
Maybe you had put - in the wrong place because it needs to be before 'and aim'. The comma will not be needed if you correct it this way.
Overall, good job and I will check the following part. Keep on writing.
Thank you for the thoughtful and helpful reviews you wrote for my story!
Liked it! Even though it made me cringe too... but sounds good!
Thank you! I'll take the cringing as a compliment.
Hello klennon14, steampowered here with a review!
Wow, this was definitely a very unique first chapter. You open with a huge sense of mystery, and end this section on such a cliffhanger I simply must read on to find out what happens next (you are planning on uploading more, right..?) I also really want to know why the main character’s been living in the woods, and why she shoots the boy. I mean, I have a bit of an idea, but I don’t really know just yet.
This implies some kind of post-apocalyptic scenario. If this is the case, I’d advise changing your genre to “science fiction” instead of “teen fiction” so people who are interested in science fiction can find it more easily, and those who aren’t don’t feel cheated when they start reading.
This is both tense and hilarious all at the same time. Small nitpick – Earth should probably be earth, unless you’re referring specifically to planet Earth.
Shouldn’t this be “goddamn”?
You don’t need the “a” here.
I feel like your second hyphen is in the wrong place. I’d put it after “clean, unmarked air” like this:
And finally, one little thing that got me thinking:
How does she know this? Has she been watching the house? I’m aware that you’re trying to keep a sense of mystery here, but one or two sentences explaining how Ronnie operates might help.
Apart from that, I thought it was really good. It was definitely a manageable length to read and review, and is the kind of story I love – especially since I also love Ronnie’s type of character, a person you can’t pigeonhole into either “good” or “bad”. Feel free to let me know if you ever want any more reviews!
-steampowered-
Thank you so much for the review! The tip about categorizing this as science fiction is a good point, and all your advice is great.
And don't worry, you'll find out about the boy and his parents...that'll be part 2
Hello klennon14! CHRISSY321 here to review your first chapter!
*Warning, this review will not be very long!*
Overall this was just a great beginning! The sense of mystery and detail you provide is just wonderful! I certainly cannot wait to read more! Now, I am guessing she is going around try to execute people because a disease is going around causing human to turn into beasts? That is what I sort of gathered with what you provided. The great thing is that you can answer all of these questions later, just make sure you keep writing!
Now as far as grammar and spelling and other technical parts of this chapter, I saw none! Great job when it comes to there!
I again want to point out all the great detail you gave, especially at the beginning! It was amazing and every little bit helps! I jut love it when writers spare no extent on detail and really show the reader everything there is, and making the reader feel like they are part of the story too! You just did really great with that!
I really did enjoy this first part of your story and I really hope to read more of it from you! Keep Writing!
~Chrissy <3
Thank you so much!! Don't worry, I will posting more soon this week.