Note: I know this definitely needs some work. Not sure if it will be a short story or incorporated into my novella. Go ahead and butcher me! I need some honest reviews.
“Hey?” I shout to the car on the right of me.
I was driving along the parkway and pulled up to a stop at a random intersection. All of a sudden there’s a guy sobbing his eyes out at a green light beside me. He’s been still for the last five minutes, and I don’t think he’ll be moving anytime soon. I can sense the alarm and frustration in the people sitting behind him. Well- us, because now I’m at a standstill too.
A look of shock and hurt crosses his face when our eyes meet. Then he begins to cry harder, his shoulders quaking in rapid spams.
“Listen,” I shout again, “why don’t you pull up to that Starbucks over there?” I motion across the street.
A grouchy, old man lays on the horn behind me and I curse him out.
“I’ll follow you,” I tell the guy when he won’t look up again.
I’m pulling out my phone to call the police when he finally goes quiet. Then his head snaps up and he sniffles, blotchy red patches smeared across his face. He nods and I do the same.
I was on my way to have lunch with my best friend, Peyton. I’ll have to text her that I’ll be late because no one else would help the poor lunatic but me. I shouldn’t say lunatic- that’s pretty harsh. I’m the last person who should be judging a complete stranger when I can’t even figure myself out.
As I drive into the Starbucks parking lot, I don’t spot the sobbing stranger, and it makes my heart jump for some reason. I’m just afraid he’ll do something stupid like ram into a tree and off himself. I mean, you never know. I would have felt like a complete jerk for ignoring the guy.
Now I spot his dark blue Honda, headlights dimming. He stares at me blankly, but nods again.
I approach carefully- again, you never know, today- but he starts crying again. Shaking and hiccupping, the whole works.
“Hey, hey,” I stick my hand out awkwardly and the boy lets me rest it on top of his, “what’s wrong?”
“I-“ one barely coherent syllable. It’s a step in the right direction.
I slowly release my grasp and swing around into the passenger side. I rub his shoulder and let the boy fold into himself, allowing him to grieve for whatever has happened. I’m just glad he’s not breaking down while speeding down the street at fifty…
In a cracked voice, he tries again, “My- my- I just found out…I- I found out…”
He takes in a jagged breath and sniffs a few times.
“My…family was murdered.”
“Oh my, God,” escapes my lips.
That sends him into another wet slip-and-slide episode, dancing in his eyes. Poor guy.
“I’m so sorry-“
I just sit there with a hand resting on his shoulder, letting him feel for his lost family members.
“I just- I just talked- I…I talked to my sister ten minutes ago. She…”
He can’t go on. And that’s okay. It’s going to be okay.
“You’re gonna make it,” I tell him. I give his shoulder a quick rub and he eyes me.
“How- how…do you know?” the boy starts to calm down.
“I just do.”
“Oh- I…um, thank you. I’m really sorry- sorry you had to snap me out of this. I’m…just…”
“…in shock?” I finish for him.
“Yeah…that’s it.”
I give the boy a small smile.
“I’m Ronnie.”
“Landon,” he murmurs.
He wipes away his tear-stricken face and exhales a loud puff of sadness, anger, loneliness…
“I think we should grab a cup of coffee, Landon. What do you say?”
Landon blinks and shuts his eyes, then he sighs.
“Uh- sure. Okay.”
“Okay,” I smile reassuringly.s
“I promise, you’re gonna make it. You’ll make it through this.”
“I know,” he says as we hop out of the Honda and step into the light.
End of chapter
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140,238 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
I think this should totally be part of a longer story! This intro (if you choose to use it as one) has such great potential to be part of something greater!!
Nevertheless: the dreaded review.
I think the "-" should either be a comma or "..."
This comma isn't needed.
Generally "-" is used if you have a bit of important -but irrelevant- information inside a sentence. Or if you have a thought inside the sentence -I think that this a stupid sentence- that the speaker is thinking instead of saying, or vice-versa. If you're just using one, consider replacing with a comma.
If he's done talking, this should be a period.
AHH! That's horrifying! He wiped away his whole face?!?! I'm impressed that she didn't freak out :O Just kidding, but some readers might actually think he sjust *shoop* wiped his face off
This sentence isn't very fluid compared to the rest. Try maybe "Landon blinks, shuts his eyes, then sighs."?
The s after the period
[quote]“I know,” he says as we hop out of the Honda and step into the light.[quote]
Again, if they're done talking then it should be a period.
Well that's all the evil I'm willing to inflict right now! Again, I really like what you've written so far, so try and read my review in the un-harshest light possible.
Keep writing!
Hey there klennon14. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
1. I read you story very late last night and was attempting to review it when my better judgement kicked in. Maybe I should save my review for tomorrow and now that it is tomorrow, here I am. You have a nice little short story here so my discussion is going to start on length today. I usually dislike stories where the author tried to pack so many things into so few lines but for some reason I did not disagree with this habit in your piece. Though the events escalated quickly and questionable decisions made in such a short period of time, I think the length of you piece was just about right. Now troops that we have conquered length, onward to spelling and grammar.
2. I guess if you read the last line of the above paragraph, you know exactly what little topic I will be discussing now. If not, please go back to the area where I gave your piece a clean bill of health on length. I didn't see anything major just this one little typo where I think there was too many spaces. I think this would be a nice place to stop and chat about the dialogue. The dialogue is a little rough and the flow is off. The timeline of events also puzzled me but I'll get back to that in the next paragraph.
3. How did the kid know his family was murdered so soon if he had just talked to his sister ten minutes ago? Who had told him? If the police knew so soon that the family was murdered, did they catch the guy? Where were they when they were killed? Was it like a hostage situation where the police would know immediately if the family was dead or did a family member make a 911 call before being killed? If you had said he talked to his sister two hours ago, the story would have been more believable and realistic. The family's death also leaves the readers with a lot of unanswered questions. I think by answering the questions, extending the story, and maybe even the amount of time, the story would become more interesting and dramatic.
4. The main character also makes quite a few questionable decisions. He sees a guy stopped in the middle of the road so naturally the Good Samaritan he is, gets out to help the guy but at what risk. This guy is stopped in the middle of the road delaying traffic and your mc could get killed trying to cross the road. After that he climbs into a car with the kid not knowing if he may take his anger out on him. The situation does not seem at all realistic or relatable so you may want to think about this when you write the next chapter or sequel.
5. Sorry for such a quick review but this was a quick piece. I really did like you story and I think it would be better if you extended. That's all for now.
-lizzy
Hi there, Lizzy. Wow, if this is a "quick" review, I'd like to see one of your thorough ones! All jokes aside, I really appreciate the feedback and I agree with everything you've said.
As for your point labeled number 3, don't forget I categorized this under novel/chapters. I plan on answering all of those excellent questions you asked in point number 3, though I didn't make that clear. This is most likely meant to be a flashback scene, which I should have mentioned, but I just wasn't completely sure at the time I posted this.
I will have to clear up when the guy talks to his sister, because I meant that he had a normal conversation with his sister 10 minutes ago, then the murderers did a clean sweep. When all is revealed about this snippet of the past, including exactly who murdered his entire family, then it will all make sense (especially how they were killed so fast and how Landon was notified so fast).
Thanks again for the review, it was very helpful!!
P.S. Ronnie is actually a girl, but you wouldn't have known that if you didn't read chapter one of my novella.
P.S.S I'm really thinking about the point you make that Ronnie shouldn't climb into Landon's car without knowing bigger details about this stranger and his predicament, but Ronnie is an impulsive character. She thinks with her brain not her heart, but it's still kind of out of place...I'll have to fix that.