Young Writers Society

Since this is very personal in its nature, I'll try to be thoughtful in this review.

First off, let me start that I liked this. I really did. It wasn't a story, really, but it doesn't need to be--a little narrative of internal conversation is enough to incite a lot of emotion in others. That's the fun thing about human, isn't it? You can relate with a lot of things, whether its on a piece of paper or otherwise.

You mention that you might make this a novella, which makes this a little strange. I can't imagine what kind of novella you'd be aiming for. Perhaps a little book of diary entries? Or an autobiography? It'll be interesting to read, definitely.

If I have any complaints, its that sometimes you use an inflammatory word that often comes off as a little inappropriate. Not as in "Oh my god don't say that around the kids" inappropriate, I mean "Well, it isn't bad, but why is it there?" inappropriate. Sometimes you use it exceedingly well--for example:

"Isn’t time such a bitch?"

Yes. Yes it is. I have no complaints on that, power to you.

But then you use it again:

"I know time doesn’t stop for anyone, that bitch."

And it loses a bit of its power. You no longer have the reply of "hell yeah times a bitch", you now have the quiet response of "um well I guess you're still right but you said it a second time". And it isn't repeated for any notable purpose. Repetition is fun, but like everything else it has to have a reason to be repeated. You can either add that purpose, or try and decrease the bitch metaphor for the sake of the power of your word.

But otherwise, this was a fine piece of work.

Signing out,

--EM.

Hi, Klennon14

Darkthorn here to leave you a little review .

First let me just start by saying I love the little before hand note. Being honest enough and straight to the point about this piece being, as you say, 'word vomit'.

But, lets get down to the the reason for my being here: the review.

Firstly, 'As hard as crisp, clean metal'.
The simile feels disjointed because of the use of the word 'crisp'. It implies that something is hard but easily broken, unlike metal (especially steel).

Secondly, 'Even then, I keep it all inside. The parts and the thoughts and the feelings down deep want to inch their way out, but I keep pushing back, pushing back.'

Those two sentences are a slight muddle in my opinion. I think you must have made a comma splice error and without noticing just carried on into an unnecessary double up. Also, have a look at the part of 'want to inch their way out'. Stress the verb a bit more there as it would play nicely into the whole situation of being trapped beneath a ton of steel, desperately trying to find relief.

Instead of using inch, try claw : 'The parts and the thoughts and the feelings down deep want to claw their way out...' It adds that feeling of harried desperation, after all the feelings want to fight until they're let out.

There are actually quite a few mistakes. Most of which are grammatical, some of which are due to semantics. But I suppose you were more about the idea itself than the language structure. If so, then Let me tell you this:

This entire piece is quite well done. It is something people can relate to, something that is written to climb deep into the hearts of its readers because, maybe they've gone through something similar.

I enjoyed reading this, regardless of the mistakes (after all, to err is to be human).
Continue doing what you've been doing all along.

~Darkthorn