Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
I think I made a huge mistake.
I press my thumbs against the keyboard slow and steady, but my heart is racing. My fingers are shaking and my pulse is beating through my chest, pushing my stiff skin's limits, stretching out my hardened, plastic outside.
I sit in my quiet car, with death and heartbreak and uncertainty sitting on the edge of my tongue and spilling out the sides of my mouth. I don't know why I texted Terrance, of all people. When in reality, I barely know him. But deep down, I know why. Even though I don't want to admit it.
Text me back, Terrance.
Don't text me back, this is stupid. Why did I text you?
No, really please don't text me back.
But, I want you to respond...
Why did I do this?
What do you mean? What happened?
The message pings through and startles me, I nearly jump ten feet in the air. I look down at my phone in my right hand, the words on the screen, and my lips go numb. My mouth is dry and I want to vomit.
I did something really stupid. And I don't know how to take it back now, but at the same time, I don't really want to to take it back.
I stare down at my left palm, the syringe teetering along the ridges, it's point glistening back at me with a devilish smile.
I wait a few moments. My phone pings again.
Are you okay?
No. I finally type back after a minute.
What's wrong?
I don't know how to tell you. And I shouldn't be putting this problem on you, because it's really selfish of me and reckless and I barely know you. It's so personal and definitely not your problem to deal with but for some reason I hit send on that message before I could take it back.
It's okay. Please tell me, I'll help you. Lights up my screen in seconds.
There's a syringe laying in my palm right now that shouldn't be. There's something running through my system right now that shouldn't be. There's something wrong with my head that shouldn't be.
My phone starts to vibrate and Terrance's name flashes across the screen. Incoming call.
I answer.
“Ronnie, what did you do?” Terrance's voice is strained and rushed. “I'm coming to you right now. Where are you?”
“I...” My mouth refuses to form words.
“Ronnie, are you there?”
I cough and clear my throat, pushing up the lodge sitting at the surface.
“I- I shot myself up with insulin. Not much, but enough to make me sick or faint or something, I don't know and I'm freaking out but I wanted to do it but at the same time I didn't want to and now I-”
“WHERE ARE YOU?”
“I'm- I drove to the cemetery. In Clearview. Near Walmart.”
“Do you feel faint? I'm calling an ambulance.”
“Please don't.” I shake my head to myself. “This is so embarrassing and they're going to send me to a nut house in a padded room with no windows or something.” I can't control my shaking at this point.
“Ronnie, I'm like five minutes away. Don't you dare move or do anything stupid. I'm here with you, okay? I'm here.”
“Okay.”
A moment passes and I say “I read online the effects of insulin don't kick in for at least an hour.”
“I didn't call an ambulance,” he says, “but I'm taking you to a doctor. We'll make up a story if we have to.”
“Okay,” is all I can really manage.
My stomach starts performing Olympic flips and hurtles, and I really start to feel sick. I open my door and the chill in the air hits me in the face. I'm feeling a little dizzy, but the cold wakes me up.
I grip the door handle for support, and my breathing becomes rapid. It's not my blood sugar- it's in my head. I'm panicking. What have I done? How am I going to explain this to anyone?
Terrance's white truck barrels up the weaving pathways of the cemetery. My heart kind of sinks but flutters back up inside my throat
“Ronnie.” He breathes out and rushes towards me.
I feel faint and I nearly fall on the pavement trying to stand up, but Terrance grabs me by the elbows. He stares me in the eye then pulls me into his chest and I breathe him in.
“We have to hurry, because your blood sugar could drop in quicker than an hour. I've seen it happen before.”
He places one arm across my back and the other on the backs of my knees, suddenly lifting me up. He swings open the door to the backseat, and set me down. I feel the hardness of leaning on a seat buckle, but let it dig into me for a second, punishing myself for doing something so foolish and calling Terrance.
I shift my weight and curl into myself while Terrance starts up the engine and pulls out of the lot.
“Eat this.” He unwraps a candy and hands it to me. “It'll help your sugar levels go back to normal. I hope.”
I take the candy and chew mechanically, the disk cracking between my teeth.
“You shouldn't have done that.” He puts on his left blinker and looks out for traffic. “There must be someone you can talk to about what you're going through. Anyone. A counselor if you can't turn to a family member. Even me. If I knew you we're gong to do this- well I could call you everyday if you want. Never let it come to this.”
“It's a lot easier said than done, Terrance. I...it's hard to explain to a person...who's hasn't gone through depression themselves.”
“I don't care. Never feel like you have to stoop to that level. Your life is worth living.”
I feel the car turning and then a speed bump.
“It doesn't feel like it is most of the time. Not anymore.”
“Ronnie.” He pulls into the hospital parking lot and scoots into a spot in seconds. “Never say that. Event though we just work together- I could never imagine my life without you. I couldn't imagine a world without Ronnie Sinclair. Never feel like you don't belong here, because you do. You belong here to bring light into my day and make me laugh and make people smile. Everyone around you smiles because you're such a... a bright soul. Don't burn out, alright? Please hang in there.”
With that, he jumps out of the car and helps me slow-walk to the front door. His arm is snug around my shoulders, and I feel electrified, brought back to life by his touch.
You idiot. We've been through this. He has a girlfriend.
HE'S OFF LIMITS YOU DUMBASS. STOP.
“You're not off the hook yet. You need to get help after this- psycho-therapy, talk-therapy, a counselor, a support group, seeing a psychologist- anything and everything you need to get better. Understand?”
I nod. I do understand that I need help. I just never knew how to ask for it or I thought I'd be looked at as crazy or no one would understand me. But I can't keep living like this.
“So, you were hung over and you injected yourself with too much insulin. You looked at the numbers wrong.” He lowers his voice when a man waiting around outside stares at us. “You've been a diabetic for a year and you realize that you should know better, but it was an honest mistake.”
I nod and he rubs my shoulder for support.
The sliding doors make way for us, and I step into the bright hospital light, the smell of scrubs and old people and fear fill my nose.
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138,424 Literary Works • 672,118 Reviews
Hey there klennon14. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
Quick note. I was directed here by someone so I don't really know what to expect from the story. The simple title of 'A Mistake' leaves open a lot of possibilities in my mind for mistakes. There are thousands upon thousands of ways to make mistakes so I guess that sparks the reader's attention a bit. If I had come across this like a normal person in the green room rather than taking a recommendation from a friend, I guess I would have clicked on it anyways.
^ And as you see above, I like to move very quickly when writing reviews. Try to stay caught up and don't choke on any of the dust I'm kicking up.
Let's discuss how this is classified. This story really feels like it could go either way, totally completed short story or the best is yet to come novel. You have it listed down as a novel which leads me to believe there is going to be to add onto this story. The ending is pretty good if you plan on extending it because of the nice little setting change there. Creating a mood of something different and unknown to the character is always a good turning point. It does sound a little bland when read aloud and some parts of it are not easy for me to relate to. Then again I'm not a teenage boy so what would I know? But then the reader has to get set in the mindset of a teenage(?) boy and what his opinions of a hospital would be.
So getting into this story I'm assuming they're both guys but I guess you never actually state Ronnie's gender. I mean Ronnie could be used as a girl's name but the idea that Terrence has a girlfriend and your mc is freaking about that, implies that the character is not a woman. If it was a girl's mind, it would be more along the lines of "I shouldn't flirt with him because he already has a girl." rather than the "omfg he has a girlfriend and you shouldn't be flirting with him." Just saying though those thoughts are a bit stereotypical and judgy.(I know it's not a real word but it's the closest I can find to my opinions.)
We should probably start at the beginning, now that I've spent the last three paragraphs discussing everything but the beginning.
1. The thing about short stories or any story really, is that you can almost always judge them by the first couple of lines and decide whether you want to read more. I admit that this line is pretty gripping as far as opening lines go. To me as a reader, it shows the author is dedicated to the title that they've established and they're not going to use some symbolic meaning. The character is really making this long string of mistakes and I quite like that for some reason.
2. The comparison at the end is a bit odd but I think I know what you're talking about. 'plastic outside' gives off the feeling of a fake emotion or that the character is faking things a bit. Like he's pretending that he's perfectly alright but on the inside he is having some sort of mental/physical breakdown. Is that what you were aiming for with this description.
3. I had a couple more things to say but I see the previous reviewer already mentioned some them. I don't like to step on anybody's toes so I'm just going to move this along.
Okay you should know that I'm writing this review in pieces as I dash between different things I'm doing for school. I started this nearly an hour ago and I haven't made that much progress on it because of one, school and two, the other reviewer went really in depth to a lot of the points I was going to cover. This next paragraph of opinions and such is probably going to be my last because I've said nearly everything I wanted to say.
Lights, Camera, Final Opinions!
1. Overall (and don't be offended by this) I didn't like your story. But I really don't like much of anything these days so it's not a specific, only targeted towards this work, hatred. It just wasn't eye-catching enough and didn't hold up all the way through. You leave open a lot of holes and questions in the story. Sometimes those are good, sometimes they are a bad idea. I can see where some of the questions unanswered were necessary but others, eh I don't know. It just seems like you're leaving open a lot of possible spots to trip yourself up and fail. The questions and holes in the plot will eventually catch up and tear the story in half. Maybe you planned on answering them in the next chapter or even farther down the road, but I'm not interested enough by what is here to find out more.
2. You should also know that this doesn't fall within one of the few genres that I read anymore. I'm not good at judging these types of stories and books because I don't read much of it. Therefore you can do what you want with the opinions on the story.
Well that's about all I have for today. Hopefully something somewhere in this big blob of weird opinions is helpful to you in some way.
Have a nice day
Lizzy
The Queen of the Book Clubs
This is labeled a novel chapter, and while I see how it could go other places after this one, I feel like this would actually make a good short story on its own. Granted, that's because I'm a sucker for unresolved short stories--the sort of stories that leave you just unsatisfied enough for it to actually make sense, the sort of stories where knowing the answer isn't as comforting as asking the question. I'd actually like to make an essay dissecting what makes a good unresolved short story, but that's for later.
In any case, though, I thought this was pretty well done overall. I will admit, I had a hunch from the beginning that the guy was attracted to men (assuming it's a guy we're talking here--if Charlie is now unisex I have no idea what the state of Ronnie is), but I did like how you never explicitly stated it. Stories dealing with sensitive subjects like these are best written in tiptoes, and you tiptoed well enough. However, I'll be real; I've complained about the "I Didn't Kill Myself Because I Loved You" trope when it regarded straight couples, so I'm treating same-sex couples the same. Be very, very wary. Love doesn't necessarily conquer all, and I do think it would be insensitive to suggest that all a suicidal person needs is a romantic partner. We're not even getting into the unfortunate implications of a person's happiness depending on another person's admiration. However, I feel like you have a good grasp of the situation (I don't know if you've been through it, really, but from the text it reads like you have), so you wouldn't veer too far off into that direction. Just a reminder, nothing more, nothing less.
The Beginning
Let's analyze an actually pretty good opener, and why it is a good opener (so that you may replicate it in later works): I've always thought that while a good beginning is the most difficult thing to write, the best beginnings always seem effortless. For example, the somewhat overused 'start with an interesting line' device. Plenty of works have started with an eye-opening and dramatic line, a peep into the main characters' troubled psyche or the main conflict or the quirky nature of the story, and its not necessarily wrong. While it gets predictable, it's a tested and true method, and makes for a solid foundation in less than five sentences.
A good beginning must capture the readers attention and introduce or foreshadow the main conflict of a story, in less than two paragraphs. That's why it's mostly difficult to write it. However, you definitely succeeded, as not only was the first sentence intriguing, it also sets up the main conflict in an intriguing enough way that leaves question marks in the readers brain.
And I've always said that if you want to make us feel for the character, you have to make us like them first. I've never explained why, though, and I think the answer is simple enough; make them seem human. Vulnerability is the most human trait, something that I think everybody is capable of empathizing with, which is why the reader is automatically enticed when they see the main character in a frightened state of mind. A horror story that starts with a teenager cockily walking into a haunted house is doomed to have the readers dislike the teenager, because the main character, instead of being honest about his vulnerability, is untruthfully proud--thus, we want to see him get killed. Granted, vulnerability is a pretty cheap shot too, but I think that's what you proved here; that the basic tropes can still make an emotionally captivating beginning (and overall story).
The Gaps That Speak My Name
Let's get this out of the way, your story is pretty bare bones. Don't take that as an insult. In any emotional work, the best route to take is the straightforward one, because emotion is complicated enough as it is. You want your work to be understood by everybody, and the best way to do that is to avoid an overly complicated plot.
That brings me to the one thing that could easily be a plus and a minus for you; the gaps in the narrative. I don't mean plotholes, I mean spaces where there are unanswered questions. For example:
Has he ever been through it himself? Has he lost someone because of suicide before?
Did Terrance buy that candy beforehand, or did he have it on hand? What does either say about his character?
What did Ronnie plan to do in a cemetery?
Its these unanswered questions that tell us a lot more about the story than any explanation ever could. It gives the story more depth, as if it had an entirely separate world going on behind the scenes, as if the reader could walk into the story and explore the scene to find more than what the author describes.
For the most part this is a plus, but it's also a slippery slope. If you leave too many gaps you might accidentally puncture a hole into the plot, thus leaving out important details the reader really ought to know if they want to understand the character fully. Its a game of connect the dots, basically--you can't have a blank paper if the reader wants to see the full picture, so you have to leave some dots.
Imagery
Imagery is an important part of any prose. It sets the scene and suggests to the reader how they're supposed to feel about a certain scene, which is why generally speaking you don't compare a children's' book characters' red cheeks to the color of blood or fresh meat. It's the writers color pallette, so to speak--which is why its a very delicate matter when it comes to topics like these.
Let me bring up one example of where it didn't work out as well as it should've.
Using metaphors and similes is always tricky, especially in cases like these. Technically speaking, you got the image across--he's panicking, and his stomach feels horrendous. However, you also brought me back to my PE class where I once hurled myself over 125 cm pole, bounced off the matress, and smashed head first onto cold concrete. It's painful, yeah, but it's not exactly what you want the reader to think about in a story about suicide.
However, I'll give credit where credit's due. The following is a pretty good example of when imagery is done right.
Plastic brings up imagery of fakeness, or fragility, or all of the above, suggesting that the protagonist feels 'fake' in their own body, and it's making them more fragile than usual. If one is talking about a plastic bag, it also brings up the image of choking oneself with a plastic bag. Overall, the image brought up by plastic actually works in instances like these.
Which finally brings me too,
Voice?
This is where I get a little confused, because let me get this straight, your voice is actually amazing. It's one of the few good examples of "Shy Protagonist" I've ever seen that doesn't sound like a sorry excuse for bad writing and passiveness. When I read this, I actually believe there's a human out there that thinks like this, and I believe that they deserve to be heard. I don't need to be entertained, but I can definitely understand and sympathize without feeling like some message is being shoved in my face.
With that said, there are times where the power of the sentence is questionable, but it doesn't stray from the actual voice. Read:
Just the addition of these two words makes the text seem less powerful, and yet it's not wrong. The main character is in complete shambles, they hate themselves and everything they represent, so of course they would question their own words. "I mean, I'm sort of sad. Kind of?" But see here, the reader doesn't know how the protagonist really feels. If you want to get across the message that the main character really needs help, sentences like these need to portray the protagonists' desperation and indecision in full light, not dimming it with uncertainty.
On the exact opposite side:
The power of this statement is very clear, but I'm not sure if it matches with the voice that has been established. Maybe it's because this is an incredibly sensitive issue for the main character, but if it was, he would've avoided it entirely--and he is trying to. He's trying to in a very loud, very capitalized manner, and I'm not sure if that matches with his tone. If it were put into italics, or if it was the voice in the back of his head scolding him, that would be a different matter completely. It would match better, in the latter two cases, because it establishes that Ronnie is multi-faceted and has distinctly negative but various thoughts. However, we're still reading this in Ronnie's normal voice, which is why it detracts so much and sticks out (in a questionable way).
That's most of my thoughts on this work, and overall I think it could lead some interesting places. Good job on this one.
--Elliot.