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Young Writers Society


Language

Chapter 2, Part 1 The Facility

by klennon14


Ronnie

The street lights fly across my window one by one as we cruise down a dead end road. The night is quiet, yet inviting. I’m both terrified and ecstatic about what is to come. Should I trust these people who I have just met? Probably not. But what do I have to lose?

Landon hasn’t said much. We drive for several more minutes, a dozen more shadows popping up in the night. Those shadows, I realize, are huge Evergreens. The air that surrounds us is silent as we turn off the street and head for an unmarked building. The trees and brush that surround us begin to grow denser as we make our way further into the forest of trunks and limbs.

I wouldn’t have noticed the building if it was a normal day and I was walking along. Anyone would assume the building is abandoned anyway, considering it’s in the middle of nowhere. The place is rickety, old, and it appears to be broken down.

I’m dying for answers about who this boy sitting next to me really is, and what he’s a part of. I mean, this is what I’ve been waiting for my whole existence- to become part of something bigger. Something that may actually matter and make me less insignificant. If I could do something that saves people- like Darrell- then I’d feel like I have a purpose. I wouldn’t be a no-nothing ambling around without a clue.

Dave hasn’t said a word either. But the way Landon and him have been making eyes with each other- it’s like they’re leaving me out of a silent conversation. I want my answers, and I want them now.

Dave cuts the engine when we arrive at our destination. Landon nods to the door, signaling for me to jump out, finally! Before I can worm my way towards the building, he has second thoughts and grabs my wrist.

“Ronnie,” he says seriously.

I prod at him to go on with my eyes, while Dave decides to leave, giving us some privacy.

“Whatever happens in here- whatever you decide to do, I hope we can still…”

“I know. You hope we can still do whatever this is,” I gesture to his hand wrapped around mine.

“Just keep in mind- just because you set foot in here doesn’t mean it’s all a done deal-“

“I’d like to know what it is-“

“Let me finish,” he hurries, “You don’t have to agree to work for this…organization. If I can call it that,” he scoffs.

“Okay,” I assure him, “I’ll be sure to think about it.”

“It’s- it will change your life. You won’t be able to come back from this, you understand? So, think long and hard before you make a decision.”

“I will,” I grab the door handle once again.

“You promise?” he asks.

“Promise.”

I push the door open and begin to follow behind Dave. Landon swings around the car in an instant and falls in step with each stride of my legs. He gives me a small grin, but I can sense a grimace underneath the surface.

What am I in for? I wonder.

All three of us stand before the grand doors of the building, heavy metal that creeks in the wind. I can barely see out into the night now. There’s only a faint glow emitted from the keypad that Dave is staring at. He begins to type in a series of numbers, causing an orchestra of beeps. Once the night is quiet again, Dave presses his thumb against the screen.

The doors hiss once then slide open easily, beckoning me to come inside.

Everything is glass.

Glass cubicles, glass tables, glass sectionals. The shimmer and sleekness seems to stretch on for miles. You certainly can’t judge the damn thing from the outside- it’s like all the god damn Kardashian mansions and trinkets rolled into one massive edifice of all things rich! It’s not homey though. It’s…techy. Sophisticated. Elite.

Men and women and a handful of people my age roam about. Most of them are dressed in suits and fancy designer brands, but a few hang around in jeans and t-shirts, seemingly out of place in such a breathtaking room. Some sit at computers, others are examining paperwork, while a few clutch coffee mugs and hold up stressful conversations. At least, it seems like tension poles are pushing between some people here.

“Am I still awake?” I pinch myself for effect.

“Ms. Ronnie, welcome to ARFnumber twelve,” Dave practically ravishes.

“Anti-Rebel Facility number twelve,” Landon clarifies.

“I- what- how-“ I’m speechless.

“Don’t worry, there’ll be plenty of time for questions after the tour, young lady,” Dave tell me.

“I’ll do the honors,” Landon volunteers.

Physically, I can only nod. I’ve gone into shock. How does a place like this even exist in our little town?

Landon steers me over to an empty corner where a glossy table and cushy chairs await us. There’s a complex-looking coffee maker staring me in the face, along with stacks of electronic tablets that could supply our whole school.

Landon hesitantly grabs a tablet, fires it up and looks at me.

“Let’s sit down,” he lets go of my arm and furiously types away at the tablet.

“This place is amazing…” I’m still awestruck.

“Don’t get too cozy,” he warns, “you’ll learn to hate this room just as much as you crave the French espresso.”

When Landon is content with whatever he’s pulled up on the tablet, he eyes me again.

“There’s a backstory,” he mulls over something in his head, “so I guess we’ll start at the beginning.”

I bob my head once.

“Remember the pipe explosion on Beveer Street in 2025? The elementary school? I believe we both of us would have been in middle school at the time.”

“Vaguely,” I recall, “that was an accident, wasn’t it?”

“Far from it,” he shakes his head, “and it wasn’t a pipe bursting. It was a small bomb set off in the depths of the basement. Someone planted it there around Christmas- jolliest time of the year- and set it to go off on New Years Day.”

“Oh, yeah! I do remember this now.”

“You remember the guy at fault being Dan Shooin,” he pulls up a picture, “but it wasn’t just good old Dan who set off the bomb.”

Landon swipes to the next screen. He shows me a teenage girl and a very young boy, all teeth and dimples.

“It was a whole family. They were paid to do it.”

“Why? And how did this go unreported?”

“They were paid by the Rebels,” Landon spits out, “and they were paid well. Whoever instructed the father to plant the bomb- he was never found, not even to this day. Were convinced he’s one of the hardest Rebels to catch, which also means he’s the most dangerous. The biggest threat not only to our town- but to the state, the country…the world.”

“It all began with this little blip back in 2025. Then it never ended. Each group of Rebels started to get stronger, more complex, more difficult to pick apart and take down the source. Just recently they figured out a way to wire their own facilities to be untraceable. Our hackers have been trying to break into the system for days, while surveillance hasn’t caught anything on camera.”

“So…are they like terrorists? Bombing up schools?”

“They’re almost worse,” Landon explains, “because they suck innocent people into their web. And not just anyone. They turn your family, your friends- anyone they can sink their claws into. We’ve exhausted all of our resources trying to take down the heads of these groups. We need more man-power, and we need more brains to lead us. Our whole facility is falling apart.”

“Where does that leave me?”

A woman passing by smiles at me, then shakes her head. She eyes Landon and he does the same.

“We need you. We need a fighter- someone who’s willing to go all or nothing. This ARF- it needs reform. It needs to up the ante before we fizzle out, because Dave and I-“ he lowers his voice to just above a whisper, “are pulling all the weight around here. They’re all losing motivation.”

“The thing is,” Landon goes on, “someone with natural instincts and brains can save us. I know you’re more than capable, Ronnie, but there are sacrifices you have to make. Dave may be open to willing you into this, but I’m not.”

Landon takes my hands between his warm fingertips and gives me a critical stare.

“I need you to understand that the situations we deal with are life and death. There’s no one foot in the door with ARF’s. You’re all in or you’re out. I know how dangerous it is, and I know all of the risks. That’s why I was so frustrated with Dave when he even suggested-“

“You think I can’t handle myself?” I narrow my eyes at Landon.

“That’s the problem,” he gives me a crooked grin, “I know you can. I know you would change this place, but it scares the living hell out of me. I’m scared that I could lose you when I’ve barely started hanging on.”

“Hey,” I squeeze his hand, “you won’t lose me, I swear. I’m going to be right here. Trust me, we’re just getting started.”

“I was afraid you were going to say that,” Landon grins at me anyway.

“I sure as hell wasn’t, boy,” Dave chimes in from out of nowhere.

He waltzes over to Landon and me, and radiates a genuine ear-to-ear grin. Dave claps my shoulder, shaking me a little in the process.

“Welcome to the team, Ms. Ronnie.”

***

“First things first,” Dave begins, “we need to introduce you to everyone, then we need to train ya. Now, you’re a smart girl, so I have a feeling you’ll catch on fast.”

“I’m planning on it.”

“That a girl, you’ve got the right idea,” Dave winks at me.

We walk through the crowded room, and stop before a string of computers and blinking lights. A girl about my age and an older man are working on a program, Landon explains, and I try to absorb everything.

“They have to tap into this Rebel facility’s firewall, and break through about a dozen more technical obstacles. These two are the best hackers and programmers known to man.”

“Oh, hush,” the girl whisks Landon away as he continues to type and click and scan through numbers like it’s natural. It looks anything but natural.

“You have any questions about hacking your way through a Rebel facility’s files, these are the two you ask.”

“I’m Dina,” the girl finally pauses and moves away from her keyboard, “and that’s Eric over there.”

Eric barely gives a grunt. Dina shakes my hand, and her smile is warm and genuine. She wastes no time getting back to work, so I turn back to my tour guides.

We make our way towards a mammoth display of monitors. They’re all mounted against the back wall, and dozens of workers swarm around pointing and analyzing.

“These are the surveillance cameras we were able to set up outside a handful of facilities in the surrounding area. There’s even fewer cameras that are set up to monitor the inside of buildings, but it’s better than nothing.”

I stare up at the blurring screens- they all seem to blend together after a while. The same angles of the camera, the same dull grey paint that’s focused on, the same Rebels in black roaming about.

“So these must have helped solve tons of cases?” I ask.

“It’s the only way we know the ins and outs of their buildings. We try to pull a fine-tooth comb through their scheming, and these cameras are definitely a blessing.”

“Hola, friends,”

A short, stubby man stares up at me. He has huge bulging eyes and glasses that only emphasize this.

“Ronnie, meet Pete. He’s our main surveillance guy,” Landon fist bumps with Pete.

“Nice to meet you, Pete,” I smile.

“Likewise. I hope you will be joining our facility, because we need someone who can swivel kick their lobsided heads off!”

He motions to a screen with a bald, gruff-looking Rebel picking at his ear. I laugh and everyone else joins in.

Landon steers me away from the surveillance team while no one’s paying attention, and whispers in my ear, “Can we go somewhere and talk?”

“Okay.”

“Don’t take too long kids! We have a lot to cover tonight!” Dave’s shout carries through the hallway Landon leads me down.

“Don’t be fooled by the dumbass look the Rebels put on for show,” Landon shuts the door and flips on a light switch.

“They’re more menacing than they appear in those cameras,” he warns.

We stand in a small room with a bed and night side table. Landon’s face is grave once again, a flat line etched just under his nose.

“Landon,” I sit down next to him on the bed, “I’m not stupid. I know I’ll be taking risks by joining this facility. You’re going to have to accept that I’m not built from porcelain. I’ll learn how to use a gun right. I’ll learn how to defend myself. I’ll learn how to be one of you.”

“I have no doubt in mind that you’re the one for the job. I just wish it wasn’t the case. I can’t stand to know I’m putting you in danger.”

“Stop that!”

“Stop what?”

“Guilt-tripping yourself!” I shout, “This is my choice! It’s my life, and if I want to be part of this. I want to save people like Darrell in the supermarket, before it’s too late. I want the Rebel’s to learn their lesson.”

Landon has this look on his face words can’t describe. He’s full of pride and hope and fierceness.

“If I hadn’t introduced myself at that party, I wonder what I what have done without you.”

“You’d have one less crazy bitch to deal with,” I joke.

“But I like a good challenge,” Landon counters.

“I hope you’re in for the long haul,” I inch closer to him.

He pulls me in until our noses practically touch, and whispers “Oh, don’t worry, I’ll stay for the whole ride.”

Our lips collide for the second time, but it’s different. I know Landon, and he’s not one great mystery itching at the back of my mind. He’s real, he’s here, he’s now. Our mouths part and dance against each other for one song.

We finally part, and Landon’s face is flushed. His hair sticks on end in the front, and I smooth it down, grinning at his smitten face.

“Ready to shoot up some targets, Ron?”


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User avatar
1085 Reviews


Points: 90000
Reviews: 1085

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Sat Feb 06, 2016 6:36 am
Mea wrote a review...



Hey there! I've pretty much decide to review the whole thing at this point, since it seems that nobody else is going to, and it's a pretty enjoyable story. Let's get straight to it.

I can tell you're improving - this part was also better than the last one.

Again, my only issues are plausibility. Interestingly enough, I'm starting to see a sort of similarity between your novel and the one I happen to be currently working on. In it, my main character needs to be inducted into a sort of high-ranking position in this secret society, similar to what Ron is going through here. (Though may I add that your introduction of the secret society is a lot better and more descriptive than mine was. xD)

And as I am writing it, the thing I keep coming back to is plausibility. Why on earth should they bring her into their confidence, when she has so little experience and is only a little bit older than your main character? Unfortunately, I still haven't figured it out entirely to my satisfaction. But that's the question you need to ask yourself, and then provide solid backing for, because it's the question all your readers will be asking as well.

So, I ask you. Why exactly is Ronnie being let in so easily? I understand that Landon likes her, but he's still in high school himself. No way is he in charge of this place. Shouldn't there be someone he has to go to to get Ronnie accepted? Some form of interview, or test. Figure out the command structure, then incorporate it.

The other thing that confused me a bit was the whole surveillance of the Rebels. You say don't be fooled by their appearances, because it's just for show, but if that is the Rebels' base, they would think they're safe and wouldn't keep up appearances because there'd be no way to get anything done. Also, how on earth did the anti-Rebels get surveillance cams in there in the first place? These sorts of things should probably be explained.

The final thing I could say is that I kind of feel their relationship is progressing too quickly - kissing already? - but eh. If it suits your style, it doesn't really matter.

Anyway, on to the next part!




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325 Reviews


Points: 689
Reviews: 325

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Sun Jan 31, 2016 5:15 pm
tigeraye wrote a review...



ah, this was a fun read. Let me reiterate again that I love your characters, they have so much life to them, and seem very realistic to me. Your description is also always improving, I thought it was much better than the other chapter I reviewed. I had no trouble envisioning where the story took place, with brilliant descriptions like the glass cubicle area.

I guess we're starting to get into why this is listed as Action/Adventure as well. This was rather gripping, and I thought the dialogue was great...for the most part.

“Ronnie,” he says seriously.

I prod at him to go on with my eyes, while Dave decides to leave, giving us some privacy.

“Whatever happens in here- whatever you decide to do, I hope we can still…”

“I know. You hope we can still do whatever this is,” I gesture to his hand wrapped around mine.

“Just keep in mind- just because you set foot in here doesn’t mean it’s all a done deal-“


I wasn't too big on that portion, it felt a little flat, like you weren't sure what to have the characters say...I'd suggest you to slow your writing maybe, try to not sound too unmotivated.

On the other hand, the dialogue once they get to the end sounded very immersive, I enjoyed it greatly.

You introduced a lot of characters at the end, I'd be wary of that if they're important to the story, because I sort of started to lose track of who was who.

Overall, this was a very ambitious chapter, and there was a ton of information given out. Have you considered moving the character introductions to another chapter? That might help with pacing.

Once again, I think this is a good story, even though I'm kind of skipping around a bit with the chapters. Don't get discouraged with the lack of reviews, they'll come eventually (hopefully).





You won't know the outcome of something unless you try it.
— manilla