z

Young Writers Society


Language

Chapter 2.2 The Facility (continued)

by klennon14


Landon

Ronnie bites her lower lip when she’s anxious. She stares at me with hard eyes and a determined face. I’ve led her to the indoor shooting range on the ground level floor. It’s musty and dank down here, but I get sweaty when I hold a gun, even to this day. The cold air helps calms my nerves. You think I’d be used to it after five years.

My father taught me how to hold a gun properly when I was twelve years old. It was my birthday, and he decided to take me on a hike through the woods. Suddenly, my father stopped in the middle of the wild oaks surrounding us. He looked me straight in the eye and said “Landon, you need to learn to defend yourself.” At the time, I had no clue why I would want to learn how to shoot a gun. Now, it’s no question- I sleep with one at my bedside half of the time.

Still, I get the jitters. I can hold it steady, I can take the recoil. But my insides shake and sweat pools down my face. Who will be the next wasted life on the other side of the barrel? Who will I have to kill next?

I’ve never liked guns all that much, but do I have a choice? No. If I hadn’t trained with my father, then I’d be dead tens time over.

I take a single deep breath, hold it, and then let it out in a fast whoosh. The practice range is empty when we reach the end of the hall. Ronnie takes in the high walls, the echo of our footsteps, the walls of weaponry before us.

“So many choices,” she practically purrs, strutting over to an AK-47.

“That thing’s bigger than you-“ I warn as Ronnie pulls it down, excitement running through her every pore, “please be careful.”

“Oh, hush, I’m not a baby. This sure is one pretty baby though.”

“Never pegged you as a gun enthusiast.”

“Never pegged you as a pussy, Landon White.”

She sneers at me, then lets out a laugh that encompasses the room. I shake my head at her enthusiasm, and proceed with caution.

I wrap my arms around Ronnie, and start with the basics.

“Rest the butt of the gun here,” I lightly press it against her shoulder and she stills.

I lace my finger with Ronnie’s, guiding her in the right direction.

“Be prepared for the recoil, because the momentum can-“

I feel her forefinger finger release the trigger before I can process my next word. The bullet escapes the barrel, the butt of the gun jabbing us both backwards due to the slightly unsteady grip. I watch the little black dot soar across the room, and burst through the dead center of our target.

“- the momentum can…” I’m speechless, “Jesus, Ronnie, have you done this before or what?”

She turns to me with a dramatic eye roll, then screeches “Why, yes, yes I have! I’ve been handling AK-47’s all my life. I just wanted the opportunity to canoodle with you down here.”

“Don’t give me sass,” I warn, “or I’ll lock you down here with the rats for the night.”

Ronnie’s eyes bulge for a split-second, and I start to laugh. She knows I’ve caught her girly weakness- terror of rats- and her face turns bright scarlet.

“Don’t mess with me, Landon,” she fires up the gun again and aims at the next target.

This one spirals through the air in as straight of a line as the first, just brushing the outer ring of the bullseye. Her steadiness with the recoil is even better.

“Just a little more practice and you’ll almost be as skilled as me.”

“In your dreams, White, it’s the other way around,” the corner of Ronnie’s lip tugs up.

Ronnie

After hours of practice, I’m completely beat. My shoulder is battered and bruised, my back is drenched with sweat, and Landon put up one hell of a good fight. He gives me a run for my money.

“Time to call it quits, cupcake?”

“If your wimping out, buttercup.”

He touches the small of my back and tells me “We make a good team, Ron.”

“We do.”

We put our equipment back where it belongs and lock up the practice range. When I turn around to head down the hall, Dave is standing there glowing.

“I heard a lot of shots fired up there,” he smiles, “sounded like my lucky 47.”

“Might not be so lucky after she got her hands on it,” Landon points his thumb in my direction.

“Oh, please. I made more shots than you, liar!”

Dave shakes his head then clasps me in the arm.

“I’m glad you’ve decided to stick around, kid. This ain’t the safest, most sane place in this town, but I’ll tell you- it’s where the true, human heart is. It’s where all of us have learned to fight, to stick together as a team, to work our tail feathers off until we take down every single Rebel’s sorry ass.”

I don’t know how to reply, so I just nod as we all head up the stairs. One by one, each step bringing me closer the heart of my new world.

Landon

“You see this here?”

I point out a nearby Rebel facility to Ronnie. It blinks red on a virtual map, flashing across the screen on my tablet. I watch the red dot bounce around a few times, then disappear altogether.

“What is it?”

I sigh. “It’s a Rebel playing tricks on us. They’ve found us out. See, when we first launched this facility, one of our main goals was to plant trackers on all of the immediate facilities and even some farther out of range. The problem is, if any one of them realizes we’ve planted these devices, then they’ll throw it out of whack. They’ll lead us around like lost mutts, searching and circling and then realizing how stupid we really are.”

“So they mess with the technology, you’re saying?”

“Oh, they don’t just mess it anymore,” I shake my head, “they can reboot our whole system. If their tech experts hack into our database, which by the way is protected by technological mountain lions, then our whole plan goes to shit. They fool with us. They lead us to believe Rebel leaders are closer or farther than they truly are, that facilities are being destroyed and relocated, that more or less casualties are occurring than the real numbers.”

“You need a new plan,” Ronnie says plainly.

“Exactly,” I turn to her, “and maybe you can help us.”

“I’ll sure as hell try,” she assures me, “but I’m not the greatest with technology and hardware and software. I know the basics but I’m no-“

“It doesn’t matter,” I shake my head, “we have classes for that. Our tech experts can show you the ropes, and you’ll be amazed at how quickly you can learn. Our guys know their stuff.”

“I’m your girl for the job!” Dina shouts across crowds of people and waves her arms around.

Ronnie smiles her way and I can’t help but become giddy myself. Ronnie’s becoming part of the team. We work fantastically together, even as much as we banter and joke, I know deep inside me that she will change us. She has the smarts, the attitude, the leadership qualities. If someone like Ronnie can’t save us, I don’t know who will.

Dina starts to make her way over, and I can tell this will be the beginning of our facility’s next great move.

“You know anything about coding Ronnie?”

Ronnie

“Bits and pieces,” I tell Dina.

She’s almost intimidating with her radiant smile and grungy haircut. She has an edge but somehow there’s still this stunning quality about her. What am I, developing a girl crush now?

Jesus, Ronnie, focus.

“Tell me what you know,” she slides into a chair and leans in.

“Okay,” I take a seat in one the cushy chairs and pull up something that resembles Java. I begin to code, starting with “http” and backslashes and simple commands.

Dina nods, encouraging me to go on.

I begin to code in more complex ways, and I also show Dina how I can trace back a server’s sources in a few web browser windows. I steal a glance at Landon and he’s practically glowing.

“I’m impressed. You didn’t seem like a coding girl at first glance, but I have a lot to work with here.”

“Thanks,” I’m not sure this is the appropriate reply.

“We have truckloads of work to, Ronnie. You’ll have to schedule classes with me at least five times a week if I’m going to bring you up to speed.”

“Whatever it takes, I’m in.”

“Let’s get this party started,” Dina gives me a sly grin.



***

After nearly two hours of coding and learning new commands, my brain is about to bust open. Numbers after letters after numbers after letters after dots and dashes and slashes…

“You hanging in there, trooper?”

Landon snaps me out of my own head, and I groan in response.

“Too many numbers,” is all I can manage.

He laughs quietly and I recline back in my computer chair.

“I think we’ve put in enough work for one day,” Landon’s whisper is suddenly very close to my ear.

“I think so…” I stifle a yawn.

“It’s four a.m., Ron. Time to get some shut-eye.”

“It’s that late?”

I force my body back up into a sitting position and look around. I realize that Dina has made an exit without my knowledge, and one lone hacker stares at his computer screen in the corner.

Now, I actually do let out an enormous yawn.

“Am I dreaming, or did tonight actually happen?”

“Oh, it’s happening, Ron. It sure is real- as real as it gets.”

The tone of Landon’s voice sits on the verge of haunting, and it almost scares me. But then he suddenly swoops me up in his arms, supporting me under my knees and lightly pressing into my back.

I bind my tired arms around his chest and rest my head against his sweet smell. It’s like instant headache relief, the way were tangled together and I’m wrapped up in Landon in this perfect mess of night. Or morning. Whatever God damn time of day it is.

Landon’s footsteps feel heavy as we pad down the hall, but I know it’s in my head. The events of the day are finally catching up to me. This morning, I would have never expected my life to change in so many ways.

I just have to figure out how I’m going to tell Peyton. Or if I am going to tell her.

Right at the moment, I’m deciding to put that away for now.

“Landon?”

He opens the door to my room- my room- and carries me over the bed like I’m an infant. He uncurls the blankets beneath me, and tucks my body into the warm covers.

“Yes?” he sits next to me and tucks a lock of hair behind my ear.

“Why me?”

“What do you mean?” his brows knit together.

“Why’d you choose me? Out of all of the people you could stick in the facility. And out of all the girls that would fall head over heels for you?” I add on the last part without thinking straight.

He lies down beside me and takes my hands. His fingers lace their way through mine, and tingle all the way to my heart. Every nerve-ending between us is on edge, every breath I take feels ragged.

“Because you’re perfect,” he whispers.

Landon’s lips meet mine and my heart flutters in my chest, threatening to rip open my chest and fly out and away.

“Because you’re brave, and strong and you’re the most resilient girl I’ve ever met.”

His lips touch my forehead and I close my eyes.

“Let’s not forget beautiful,” her murmurs as I drift away.

“Stop with the flattery. I like it better when we fight.” I smile and bite my lip, still feeling his touch linger against my mouth.

“Okay, Ron. The truth is you’re a pain in the ass. You question authority, you make your own moves and your badass ways can come off as pretty cocky sometimes, you know.”

“That’s more like it,” I barely hear Landon’s voice as I begin to crash.

“Goodnight, Ron,” paired with a melodic laugh is all I hear as I sink father and deeper into the blackness.


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Sat Feb 06, 2016 7:08 am
Mea wrote a review...



Hey there! Back again.

So, I had a couple more problems with this part than the last part, again mostly with plausibility issues.

Something I'd like to say first is that I only just noticed that this novel is in present tense, so kudos to you, as present tense is usually glaringly noticeable and often bothers me a lot.

I continued to like the dialogue and the strong sense of character, and I also like that you don't just wallow around after she winds up there.

Here are the main list of questions/concerns I have.

1. You're switching characters too often again.

2. How can Ron just randomly leave her old life like this? What about her things, her parents, etc. Whose clothes is she going to wear tomorrow? Will her absence be reported to the police? You have to think about the logical outcomes of the events here.

3. Be wary of making Ronnie too good with a gun, especially her first time out. Also, she's taking this all rather calmly. You'd think she'd be scared of having to kill people.

4. I like what you're doing with Landon, making shooting a gun hard for him psychologically, but it would be more plausible if there was a reason for it. Despite movies and things, the damage guns can do is not going to be "real" enough to most people to make their hand shake the first time they pick up a gun, unless they've known someone who was injured/killed by one, or has had some other traumatic experience. I'd recommend not making him shake from picking up a gun until after he first has to kill someone with it.

5. This was probably the biggest concern for me - you're falling into the Hollywood Hacking tropes. Unless you're a computer scientist, hacking does not work like you think it does. For one thing, just because the Rebels know a camera is there does not mean they can hack the system. Furthermore, there's absolutely no way Ronnie can learn enough about code to be useful in a matter of hours. Most people, especially high schoolers, have about zip understanding of code or even what code does or how computers "think." Even if she does know a bit about code, often that knowledge is practically useless if they're using a different programming language.

Do your research about hacking and code. Learn the basics of what code is and how hackers can get in to a system. I don't know a lot about it, but I do know a few things - it's not about typing in lines of code really quickly, whatever Hollywood says. More often than not, it's using programs to run hours of brute force attempts to break a password, or disguising malware in seemingly innocent files. Do your research.

I hope this could help you a bit, and good luck!




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Tue Feb 02, 2016 3:17 pm
Steggy wrote a review...



Hi!

I haven't read the previous chapters so ignore my constant babbling about anything wrong- in other words, correct me if I get something wrong. I've been meaning to review your chapters, but never got around to them, so I thought what about now in math class? c:
In the beginning of this chapter, it seems to run slow. Like molasses. It doesn't have the hook that could get the readers to start reading. In reality, it seems just sudden and abrupt and to the point almost. You do a nice job of describing the room the narrator's in, though.

My father taught me how to hold a gun properly when I was twelve years old. It was my birthday, and he decided to take me on a hike through the woods. Suddenly, my father stopped in the middle of the wild oaks surrounding us. He looked me straight in the eye and said “Landon, you need to learn to defend yourself.” At the time, I had no clue why I would want to learn how to shoot a gun. Now, it’s no question- I sleep with one at my bedside half of the time.


Even though this is some nice father/son bonding time, we don't need to know it. Also it just goes up to the point quickly. Like riding a roller coaster then it stopping at the top. It just confuses me, that's all. If you want to keep it, however, try doing the past perfect way because as of now, this scene happened in the past but yet you brought it back. It is almost like a memory you get a random times. Leave it or dispose of it- completely up to you. ^^

I can hold it steady, I can take the recoil. But my insides shake and sweat pools down my face.


Pools doesn't feel quite right here. Maybe pours?

You seem to have some repeated content in here. An example would be:

I’ve never liked guns all that much, but do I have a choice? No. If I hadn’t trained with my father, then I’d be dead tens time over.


It's nice to know that if the narrator's father hadn't trained him to hold a gun correctly, he would be dead. It just feels... out of place to put it suddenly right there. Also, I think we can predict that Landon doesn't like guns. ;)

I like Ronnie. She seems like the kind person I love to be friends with. Landon's just the friend that doesn't want to get into trouble- a thing too precious for this world. XD
When they are speaking to each other, try adding some description of how they speak/talk to each other. It seems Ronnie is the sassy person while Landon is the careful, caring guy or something. However, adding some dialogue description can come in handy.

She knows I’ve caught her girly weakness- terror of rats- and her face turns bright scarlet.


Terror of rats doesn't need to have the extra hyphens. When using hyphens, think about it as a sudden realization. For the most part, everybody's afraid of rats. However, maybe you could put:

Terror of rats. Every girl's weakness.


There or something quite similar.

(use of dashes)

I like how you change point of view from Landon and Ronnie. We can see how Ronnie thinks/speaks when with Landon and Dave. It seems they're all close knit group of friends who like to have a good time. ^^

One by one, each step bringing me closer the heart of my new world.


Bringing instead of brought? This sentence seems to be worded weirdly.

Awwwwwh. I love the scene where Landon and Ronnie are adorable!

Overall, this was a nice little read. If you continue this, I like to know what happens! :) There seems to be some good plot ideas. Like meat in a stew. I definitely like you character interactions with each other.

If you like me to go over anything, let me know!

Steggy





Beware of advice—even this.
— Carl Sandburg